Tell
Your
Truth
Monday, November 30, 2015
Friday, November 27, 2015
I AM FREE
In large part to having snail-mailed this letter to my my FOO (family of origin) --- and I mailed it inside my hand-made mandala cards for healing --- it was one of the best Thanksgiving's my little family and I have ever had together : ). After months and months of torment, I'm healing again and feeling happy and at peace : ). A copy of the picture was included in the letters:
11/21/15
May You Be Blessed. May You Be Healed.
Dear
FOO (family of origin) ~
For what it's worth, I feel
compelled to write you this letter. There's absolutely nothing more important
than family; whether that be birth family or extended family. Our story is a
tragic one, that is, for me it is. The emotional suffering I am experiencing is
unbearable and the worst pain I have ever known. To have your mother (and the
rest of you, and all your relatives) turn her back on you, minimize the abuse
by my father, deny the abuse by her, and call me crazy because of what ALL of
it did to me... How Does A Person Live
With This ??? Richard says NO mother would turn her back on her child if she
loved her.
Profound, healing books, such as the
one I've been begging you all to read for decades, "The Courage To
Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, as well as many other books about
abuse, as well as every therapist I've ever talked to, say that THERE IS NO
EXCUSE FOR A PARENT TO MINIMIZE OR DENY ANY ABUSE OF HER CHILD. And so, that is
where are left, for that is exactly what is happening to me. And, dear souls,
that ain't love.
I just needed to get this out of me
and onto you where it belongs.
From
my book:
“We forgive by letting go of blame
and opening to the pain we have tried to push away.”
~
Tara Brach
And:
"We are
told"..."that until we forgive we will never heal. We forget that
forgiveness is a grieving process that often includes the expression and
release of negative emotions, especially disappointment and anger. It's no use
trying to avoid these painful feelings. Forgiveness that is insincere, forced,
or premature can be more psychologically damaging than authentic bitterness and
rage." ~ Sharon Salzberg.
This is where I'm at. My goal, my
desire, my intention has never wavered my entire life: Only to bring Truth,
Communication, Forgiveness, Healing, and Understanding to my FOO and me.
You've finally gotten through to me
by finally showing me your true colors; that that is NEVER EVER going to
happen. So, I will continue working on healing my life, and on forgiveness, as
an orphan.
You are not welcome to contact any
of us again unless it's to (also from my book):
·
Own your “stuff”
·
Validate the person’s feelings
·
Explain to understanding
·
Apologize when needed
I am readily and easily willing and
able to own "my" stuff; to take responsibility for my mistakes and
actions, to apologize and all the rest of it --- always have been always will
be. That's another way I am completely different from all of you.
Thank you for showing me what I was never meant to
become.
Thank you for teaching me what I am strong enough to
survive.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
I Guess The Advice I'd Give People Is "Just Get Out And Don't Look Back"
I wasted my entire life trying to bring healing to my abusive FOO (family of origin), as I've been talking about lately. The more I tried to reach-out and ask them for communication, truth, and reunion, the worse it got. I'm absolutely shattered and will be for a very long time.
Monday, November 16, 2015
Sunday, November 15, 2015
How Do You LIVE With Something Like This??!
I go to bed every night, and wake up every morning with my heart broken to bits, and every waking moment my thoughts constantly drift back to the Deep Pain I am in over my unfathomably abusive family of origin (FOO), whom I wasted my entire life trying to bring love, healing, and forgiveness to. And not only did I miserably fail, but things spiraled way out of control, to where there is absolutely nothing left of me due to learning much more of the truth of how they truly think of me.
People CAN change and DO change which is why I never gave up, because I love them and believed they love me. And because my father and I were starting to achieve some healing between us before he was killed in 1999. But now, even my heart-wrenching book that was supposed to save us, has turned their cold hearts even colder towards me. And they are spreading lies that it is full of "HATE" and making me sound like this monster who lives to make up abusive stories about her FOO because she's delusional and full of hate.
No one even read my book but my sister, and she's the one spreading more lies and everyone believes her; even though she was my bully my whole life. I poured my entire heart and soul and being into that memoir. The people that read it; Richard, an editor, and my psychologist, all said it was full of love for my FOO+; it was about my desperate need and hope to bring healing and reunion to my FOO+ (I basically lost all my relatives too when I first spoke up only within my FOO about the abuse back in my mid 20s). It told the truth: all the abusive stories by my FOO to me; how that made me feel; what it did to me; how I was struggling to understand it all; how I begged them to talk to me about it but they refused. The book wants to tell the TRUTH so communication and love can come in. ....But only Karen read it, or says she did. If she's not lying, then she really IS satanic to have NO compassion whatsoever for that poor, innocent, abused little girl that was me. And how that pattern of abuse and neglect by them continued my whole life. There's no other way to describe it but satanic.
They are constitutionally incapable of hearing the truth, of telling the truth, of talking about issues, of owning anything they did, of apologizing, of taking responsibility for ANYTHING.
And where there was always hope before, because they are good people, and they kept telling me they love me (and we always had great Christmases together and other holidays), now there is none and I have been cut-off by them, and it's the first time in my entire life they won't allow any contact from me.
On a spiritual level I know how much PAIN they all must be in but don't even know it to treat one of their own so horridly, and to make me expendable. And I only want forgiveness and mercy for all.
But the fact that they must really hate me is what I can't live with. And that they turned my beloved nieces and nephew against me (utter destruction of my heart). That they don't care that they hurt me, that they don't care about bringing truth and healing and forgiveness... that's the part that has me drinking myself to death, so to speak. To be told your whole life "I love you" a million times by each of them and then to finally realize it was a LIE? And I fought my whole life for them for NOTHING?!
HOW do you live with that??! HOW do you not drink over that??!!
And I've been drinking too much for a couple months. Not everyday and never more than 6 - 8 drinks--which for me is alcohol poisoning big time with my sensitive system. And I didn't start drinking 8 drinks until a couple weeks ago, most of the times I drank this year I kept it moderate 0 - 4 standard drinks.... but the last two weeks I haven't been able to drink moderately, even though I didn't drink everyday.
I want to drink moderately, but haven't been able to return to that lately and decided to stop drinking altogether again. I didn't drink yesterday, thinking it was the start of becoming alcohol-free. But I'm wondering HOW I do that when all this is still so fresh and the pain is at it's highest. Deep down I still believe I can become a regular moderate drinker because I have proven to myself I can; I did that successfully all of 2013 and 2014 and most of 2015. But when I get drunk, I end up trying to reach-out to my FOO to bring love and togetherness, which is continuously insanely hurtful to me, and must be continuously reinforcing in their minds that I'm crazy without cause.
People CAN change and DO change which is why I never gave up, because I love them and believed they love me. And because my father and I were starting to achieve some healing between us before he was killed in 1999. But now, even my heart-wrenching book that was supposed to save us, has turned their cold hearts even colder towards me. And they are spreading lies that it is full of "HATE" and making me sound like this monster who lives to make up abusive stories about her FOO because she's delusional and full of hate.
No one even read my book but my sister, and she's the one spreading more lies and everyone believes her; even though she was my bully my whole life. I poured my entire heart and soul and being into that memoir. The people that read it; Richard, an editor, and my psychologist, all said it was full of love for my FOO+; it was about my desperate need and hope to bring healing and reunion to my FOO+ (I basically lost all my relatives too when I first spoke up only within my FOO about the abuse back in my mid 20s). It told the truth: all the abusive stories by my FOO to me; how that made me feel; what it did to me; how I was struggling to understand it all; how I begged them to talk to me about it but they refused. The book wants to tell the TRUTH so communication and love can come in. ....But only Karen read it, or says she did. If she's not lying, then she really IS satanic to have NO compassion whatsoever for that poor, innocent, abused little girl that was me. And how that pattern of abuse and neglect by them continued my whole life. There's no other way to describe it but satanic.
They are constitutionally incapable of hearing the truth, of telling the truth, of talking about issues, of owning anything they did, of apologizing, of taking responsibility for ANYTHING.
And where there was always hope before, because they are good people, and they kept telling me they love me (and we always had great Christmases together and other holidays), now there is none and I have been cut-off by them, and it's the first time in my entire life they won't allow any contact from me.
On a spiritual level I know how much PAIN they all must be in but don't even know it to treat one of their own so horridly, and to make me expendable. And I only want forgiveness and mercy for all.
But the fact that they must really hate me is what I can't live with. And that they turned my beloved nieces and nephew against me (utter destruction of my heart). That they don't care that they hurt me, that they don't care about bringing truth and healing and forgiveness... that's the part that has me drinking myself to death, so to speak. To be told your whole life "I love you" a million times by each of them and then to finally realize it was a LIE? And I fought my whole life for them for NOTHING?!
HOW do you live with that??! HOW do you not drink over that??!!
And I've been drinking too much for a couple months. Not everyday and never more than 6 - 8 drinks--which for me is alcohol poisoning big time with my sensitive system. And I didn't start drinking 8 drinks until a couple weeks ago, most of the times I drank this year I kept it moderate 0 - 4 standard drinks.... but the last two weeks I haven't been able to drink moderately, even though I didn't drink everyday.
I want to drink moderately, but haven't been able to return to that lately and decided to stop drinking altogether again. I didn't drink yesterday, thinking it was the start of becoming alcohol-free. But I'm wondering HOW I do that when all this is still so fresh and the pain is at it's highest. Deep down I still believe I can become a regular moderate drinker because I have proven to myself I can; I did that successfully all of 2013 and 2014 and most of 2015. But when I get drunk, I end up trying to reach-out to my FOO to bring love and togetherness, which is continuously insanely hurtful to me, and must be continuously reinforcing in their minds that I'm crazy without cause.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Do You Remember How I Was Certain I Was Losing My Twin Soul?
Do you remember my utter heart-wrenching devastating pain over that?
Dude! Not only did I not lose him, he's sorta into Matt Kahn now!---and he's a Devout Atheist! : )
He listened to this video on Radical Acceptance I sent him and he liked it a lot. : )
He is still my bff.
I have successfully released my desire for more than a platonic friendship with him too!
More on that another time.
I so totally lost my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) for life, but I didn't lose him!
THEY are abusive to me. HE is not!
He deeply cares about me.
He is a very good friend to me. : )
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh8mZxAkScw&inf_contact_key=46aab95b2d49a3866d9d81b5a636280f32f497411f85897368ba34f040a626af
Dude! Not only did I not lose him, he's sorta into Matt Kahn now!---and he's a Devout Atheist! : )
He listened to this video on Radical Acceptance I sent him and he liked it a lot. : )
He is still my bff.
I have successfully released my desire for more than a platonic friendship with him too!
More on that another time.
I so totally lost my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) for life, but I didn't lose him!
THEY are abusive to me. HE is not!
He deeply cares about me.
He is a very good friend to me. : )
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh8mZxAkScw&inf_contact_key=46aab95b2d49a3866d9d81b5a636280f32f497411f85897368ba34f040a626af
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
I'm Certain On Some Level My Mother And I Are In Love With Each Other
Or, as Richard now cleverly calls her: MINO = mom in name only !
I'm intending to be free (orphaned) while fully letting her go in forgiveness, love, and understanding(as much as I can achieve)
I'm intending to be free (orphaned) while fully letting her go in forgiveness, love, and understanding(as much as I can achieve)
She Finally Drove Me Over The Edge Last Night, And I Took My Daughter With Me!!! :'(
I just couldn't handle that my so-called-mother shut me out of her life, and she finally drove me over the edge last night on her birthday. I took my dear daughter with me and hurt her very much. This is tragic. But I DO BLAME my mother AND my FOO (family of origin), and I know I am not wrong in doing so. And I take responsibility for hurting my daughter and will do everything in my power to make it up to her.
I think it may be time for both my daughters to know the whole story of my abuse, especially by my mother; and the degree in which I have fought my whole life for communication, truth, and healing with my FOO because I loved them and believed (wrongly) that they loved me. But I digress.
Last night I got very drunk over my so-called-mother. While drunk to escape the pain she put me in, it was a total shock and surprise to me that I wanted to call her to wish her a Happy Birthday. I was high and full of love and light. I begged Bethany to let me use her phone to call her Grammy (because my mom blocked my numbers weeks ago, and as Richard said, no mother would ever turn her back on her child if she loved her child) and Bethany finally reluctantly agreed. I put the phone on speaker so we could both say hello to her and listen to her. I was oblivious to my daughter's pain regarding this action, I'm so sorry to say. I was so blinded by my own desperate pain and need for my mother's love---which I will never get.
My so-called-mother answered because she thought it was her granddaughter. (I mean, she actually still thinks either of my girls would actually want to call her after everything she has done to their mother! In other words, my mother thinks she's totally innocent and that the only reason she doesn't hear from her granddaughters is because of me.) When she heard it was me she acted like nothing was wrong. I wished her a Happy Birthday, with love, and made Bethany do it too (shame on me!). Several minutes into listening to my mom talk about her great day, Bethany abruptly got up and left her room. I was drunk and stupid, and being very loving and happy to my mom, and I didn't know what I had done to Bethany. Bethany was clearly hurt and upset by the entire experience on many levels.
I immediately told "mom" that I had to go and hung up and went after my daughter to see if she was OK, and what was wrong. I was simply so far-gone over the edge by then that I couldn't even understand how much Bethany didn't want to be talking to her Grammy, and didn't want me to be either, and that Bethany didn't want to talk to me in my condition. She knows that woman emotionally abused and neglected me my whole life yet claims to love me, and claims she never abused me and that I'm crazy.
I really regret ever bringing my FOO (family of origin) into my daughters' lives in the first place because they formed loving bonds with them, and this permanent new orphan status for me (that I'm still trying to adjust to and make real) means they lost their family too (by their choices as adults), who was only ever loving to them, showed them lots of good times, gave them expensive presents.
It's tragic that my girls don't want to have relationships with their relatives, especially their Grammy, because I know deep down they really wish they could and they miss them.
I know in my heart I was trying to do the right thing last night by bringing love and healing and togetherness; But Drunks Are STUPID that way!!!
My so-called-mom is and will always remain OBLIVIOUS to my pain, my torturous pain over how things are. She and the rest of them will NEVER EVER get it, nor will they EVER care. They're happy in their denial, they're happy with me not in their lives, and they're happy thinking of me as crazy-without-cause.
May I Be Healed. May My Loving Little Family Here Be Healed.
I think it may be time for both my daughters to know the whole story of my abuse, especially by my mother; and the degree in which I have fought my whole life for communication, truth, and healing with my FOO because I loved them and believed (wrongly) that they loved me. But I digress.
Last night I got very drunk over my so-called-mother. While drunk to escape the pain she put me in, it was a total shock and surprise to me that I wanted to call her to wish her a Happy Birthday. I was high and full of love and light. I begged Bethany to let me use her phone to call her Grammy (because my mom blocked my numbers weeks ago, and as Richard said, no mother would ever turn her back on her child if she loved her child) and Bethany finally reluctantly agreed. I put the phone on speaker so we could both say hello to her and listen to her. I was oblivious to my daughter's pain regarding this action, I'm so sorry to say. I was so blinded by my own desperate pain and need for my mother's love---which I will never get.
My so-called-mother answered because she thought it was her granddaughter. (I mean, she actually still thinks either of my girls would actually want to call her after everything she has done to their mother! In other words, my mother thinks she's totally innocent and that the only reason she doesn't hear from her granddaughters is because of me.) When she heard it was me she acted like nothing was wrong. I wished her a Happy Birthday, with love, and made Bethany do it too (shame on me!). Several minutes into listening to my mom talk about her great day, Bethany abruptly got up and left her room. I was drunk and stupid, and being very loving and happy to my mom, and I didn't know what I had done to Bethany. Bethany was clearly hurt and upset by the entire experience on many levels.
I immediately told "mom" that I had to go and hung up and went after my daughter to see if she was OK, and what was wrong. I was simply so far-gone over the edge by then that I couldn't even understand how much Bethany didn't want to be talking to her Grammy, and didn't want me to be either, and that Bethany didn't want to talk to me in my condition. She knows that woman emotionally abused and neglected me my whole life yet claims to love me, and claims she never abused me and that I'm crazy.
I really regret ever bringing my FOO (family of origin) into my daughters' lives in the first place because they formed loving bonds with them, and this permanent new orphan status for me (that I'm still trying to adjust to and make real) means they lost their family too (by their choices as adults), who was only ever loving to them, showed them lots of good times, gave them expensive presents.
It's tragic that my girls don't want to have relationships with their relatives, especially their Grammy, because I know deep down they really wish they could and they miss them.
I know in my heart I was trying to do the right thing last night by bringing love and healing and togetherness; But Drunks Are STUPID that way!!!
My so-called-mom is and will always remain OBLIVIOUS to my pain, my torturous pain over how things are. She and the rest of them will NEVER EVER get it, nor will they EVER care. They're happy in their denial, they're happy with me not in their lives, and they're happy thinking of me as crazy-without-cause.
May I Be Healed. May My Loving Little Family Here Be Healed.
Monday, November 9, 2015
No Wonder I Woke Up So Sad -- It's My So-Called-Mother's Birthday
And of course, she and the rest of my FOO+ (family of origin and some relatives), are up there in Washington (I'm in California, they all moved up there ages ago, leaving me behind), whooping it up, having a celebration; as always oblivious to my pain and suffering and my very existence.
There. That was a pretty good vent for the morning.
I have no reason ever again to hold back my true feelings now that they have let me know unequivocally their true feelings for me, which are: contempt, disappointment, disgust..... I mean, I have always felt, my entire life, that they didn't like me, but they never admitted it. Is that why they abused me? Even as a child?
I'm full of anger, hurt, and even hate for them this morning. I don't even love them anymore. I have loved them desperately my whole life until now. I only have the kind of love for them that I have for humanity in general.
I have a lot of venting to do over time. I have a lot of recovering to do.
My life-long dream of healing and reunion with my FOO is now annihilated forever.
I can't even believe what horrible, hateful, hurtful, sick people they really are.
I DON'T wish them ill will. I ONLY wish them HEALING. I don't think they have a CLUE to how much pain they are in due to the incest and emotional abuse that they have always denied.
I'm told by Spiritual Masters that I Am A LightWorker, and I'm very interested in fully discovering myself as such and pursuing that path.
Part of that includes HONESTY. Especially being honest with yourself about how you are truly feeling and thinking. For lightworkers, feeling discordant feelings and thinking discordant thoughts transmutes them not only for self but for humanity. Thank GodGoddessUniverse!!! Contrary to popular belief, these negative thoughts and feelings don't manifest more negativity.
Fuck! If you repress such things you'll get cancer or depression, etc.
I'm rightly hurting and sad and devastated, but I'm not depressed. I know because I experience JOY, and clinically depressed people can't.
I Do NOT wish my so-called-mother a happy birthday today, but I don't wish her a bad one. I wish for her to Wake Up is what I wish for her, and to take responsibility for something for once in her life.
FEEL DEAL HEAL
I know I am!
There. That was a pretty good vent for the morning.
I have no reason ever again to hold back my true feelings now that they have let me know unequivocally their true feelings for me, which are: contempt, disappointment, disgust..... I mean, I have always felt, my entire life, that they didn't like me, but they never admitted it. Is that why they abused me? Even as a child?
I'm full of anger, hurt, and even hate for them this morning. I don't even love them anymore. I have loved them desperately my whole life until now. I only have the kind of love for them that I have for humanity in general.
I have a lot of venting to do over time. I have a lot of recovering to do.
My life-long dream of healing and reunion with my FOO is now annihilated forever.
I can't even believe what horrible, hateful, hurtful, sick people they really are.
I DON'T wish them ill will. I ONLY wish them HEALING. I don't think they have a CLUE to how much pain they are in due to the incest and emotional abuse that they have always denied.
I'm told by Spiritual Masters that I Am A LightWorker, and I'm very interested in fully discovering myself as such and pursuing that path.
Part of that includes HONESTY. Especially being honest with yourself about how you are truly feeling and thinking. For lightworkers, feeling discordant feelings and thinking discordant thoughts transmutes them not only for self but for humanity. Thank GodGoddessUniverse!!! Contrary to popular belief, these negative thoughts and feelings don't manifest more negativity.
Fuck! If you repress such things you'll get cancer or depression, etc.
I'm rightly hurting and sad and devastated, but I'm not depressed. I know because I experience JOY, and clinically depressed people can't.
I Do NOT wish my so-called-mother a happy birthday today, but I don't wish her a bad one. I wish for her to Wake Up is what I wish for her, and to take responsibility for something for once in her life.
FEEL DEAL HEAL
I know I am!
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Woke Up With The Mantra, "I Can't Live Like This Anymore"
But when I added, "They are KILLING me!" to that mantra, it became much more real.
They ARE killing me, my so-called family of origin (FOO), and it's got to stop, NOW!
I've been drinking myself sick most nights lately and it's because of them. And it's got to stop. But they've been slowly killing me my entire life, and it's probably why I have ME/CFS.
They have proven they are not worth it. I used to love them, but now I see clearly that they are horrible people who have abused and neglected me my entire life, and won't take responsibility for anything ever. I have fought my whole life for truth, healing, and forgiveness with them. I have begged them my entire life to listen to me, to talk to me. They refuse, and tell each other and the world I am crazy.
I wrote my heart-wrenching memoir with love; telling my tragic story; seeking understanding in my mind; praying that somehow it would open the door of communication and bring us back together. My childhood was love and abuse in the same package, which as phenomenal books like, "The Courage To Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis explains is even more crazy-making than just abuse.
My husband read my book, an editor/therapist read my book, my psychologist read my book. They all said the same thing, that it was beautiful, not unkind, a tragic story, but full of love for my family.
I FINALLY shared my book with my FOO. Guess what I got back?? Only threats of being sued, and calling it full of HATE and how ASHAMED they are of me. My brother didn't even read it yet threatened to sue me, my sister sent the hate and shame and said she would not allow our mother to read it.
They all have always claimed that I was never abused. They have told me my whole life they love me, yet they continue to lie, deny, and abuse.
To me, that they have ZERO compassion for that innocent little child is worse than hate, it, strikes me as satanic.
My book is filled with my mandalas as chapter headers. I wanted them to infuse my book with healing. I drew this one for my mom once upon a time. Original size is 6 inches diameter.
They ARE killing me, my so-called family of origin (FOO), and it's got to stop, NOW!
I've been drinking myself sick most nights lately and it's because of them. And it's got to stop. But they've been slowly killing me my entire life, and it's probably why I have ME/CFS.
They have proven they are not worth it. I used to love them, but now I see clearly that they are horrible people who have abused and neglected me my entire life, and won't take responsibility for anything ever. I have fought my whole life for truth, healing, and forgiveness with them. I have begged them my entire life to listen to me, to talk to me. They refuse, and tell each other and the world I am crazy.
I wrote my heart-wrenching memoir with love; telling my tragic story; seeking understanding in my mind; praying that somehow it would open the door of communication and bring us back together. My childhood was love and abuse in the same package, which as phenomenal books like, "The Courage To Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis explains is even more crazy-making than just abuse.
My husband read my book, an editor/therapist read my book, my psychologist read my book. They all said the same thing, that it was beautiful, not unkind, a tragic story, but full of love for my family.
I FINALLY shared my book with my FOO. Guess what I got back?? Only threats of being sued, and calling it full of HATE and how ASHAMED they are of me. My brother didn't even read it yet threatened to sue me, my sister sent the hate and shame and said she would not allow our mother to read it.
They all have always claimed that I was never abused. They have told me my whole life they love me, yet they continue to lie, deny, and abuse.
To me, that they have ZERO compassion for that innocent little child is worse than hate, it, strikes me as satanic.
My book is filled with my mandalas as chapter headers. I wanted them to infuse my book with healing. I drew this one for my mom once upon a time. Original size is 6 inches diameter.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Not Too Shabby At All For A Woman Who...
Has ME/CFS and sits in bed ("My Throne")
20+ hours a day, eh?
20+ hours a day, eh?
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