Will it ever change?

I just got a huge slap in the face from someone who I thought "got it" about CFS (www.cfidsassociation.org). She was my personal trainer several years ago. I am among the fortunate 5% of cfs patients who can exercise at all. Taking on a trainer was a bold and brave move on my part because of the cfs. I did my best to train her that I could not push myself, that I have to follow my body's lead. As a PT I know that went against her core, but she was as amiable as possible.

I won't go into details about the symptoms or reasons why exercise can be perilous or about post exertional malaise or CFS crashes.

Cut to the present. I'm 55 now (56 this month), my metabolism has slowed even more, my body has changed, etc. I hadn't talked to Nicole for a really long time, but I see her at the gym. I texted her a Happy New Year and an update that after 6 months on no gluten, low sugar, only 1600 calories a day, and exercising about 6 days a week---not one single pound lost. And that I decided to simply embrace my fatness.

She flagged me down at the gym today and we had a conversation. I couldn't believe what was coming out of her mouth. She was spewing the same thing at me that the rest of society thinks about us: we're lazy, we're liars, it's a psychological problem. But she was very kind and non-attacking or judgmental about it. She kept pushing me to exercise more, eat less, etc. etc. She simply could not "hear" me.

I left there feeling defeated, more alone, sad, depressed.

I told my daughter what happened and I instantly felt better because of her love and support.

Since Thanksgiving I have enjoyed the freedom of not having to count calories or worry about what I eat. And I haven't gained a single pound either.
I don't think I'll ever be able to shed this extra 25 lbs. due to my thyroid and cfs. Even doctors haven't been able to help me. I followed their protocols.

Hello, my rebound blog!

I think I want to make a commitment to you (that is, to myself), to post at least once a week. I’m ready to do this for myself to keep tabs on myself because it helps me develop myself as a writer. I’m ready to put the past behind me; the annihilation of my previous long-time blog, not be concerned whether I have any readers or not, and just blog for ME.

Onto random thoughts today.

I never had Facebook, Twitter, a laptop, or a Smartphone!

I have a shared pc with my daughters, and I have my long-time Alphie that I will always love. That’s my AlphaSmart word processor.

This is the year I finish my first book!

It’s actually going to happen!

What I’ll do with it, I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. It only matters that I wrote it because doing so saved my life.

I’m blessed to be part of momwriters.com. It’s sustained me for over a decade—even longer than my previous blog. The women there never judged me, never turned their backs on me, accept me exactly as I am. Momwriters get to go quiet on the list without question. We “get it” because we are all writers. We don’t have to be accountable to the list!

How I love MomWriters.

I’m almost 1-year-in as a Permanent Sobrietist! Which will happen on my 56^th birthday!

The reason I am anonymous on my blog is to hide-out from my core family!

But perhaps in the near future I’ll be able to be unconcerned whether they read my blog or not.

I’m also anonymous, don’t do Followers, or comments this time because of my bad experience with my CFS community. It’s explained in early posts. I may change my mind about that later too when I’ve done more healing.