I have good reasons for being anonymous to the public, as I explained in my beginning posts. But I can see that changing in the near future because things are blossoming for me as a writer. I hope to put my name out there and connect with other writers, even authors.
I found an editor who is going to help me with my book. I found her in my own backyard at San Diego Writers, Ink. I'd love to post her name, and once I'm not so gun shy, I will. It feels surreal to have written a book. You sometimes don't know how bad you want something until you get it. Or in this case; do it.
Something happened last Sunday that makes me feel still nervous about revealing too much about myself or my life in here. Of course, my book depicts why I've orphaned myself from my family of origin. (That still tears my heart out.) We've been estranged for so long, almost a year, that I really didn't expect to hear from any of them. I was counting on them respecting my wishes for estrangement. I was hoping against hope that they actually heard me for once when I explained what I needed.
It's proving hard to write about this, and I wish I wasn't. My sister called me Sunday night. First she called the home phone and my heart sank and raced at the same time. I'm strong. I'm convicted in my commitment to myself. I didn't answer. She didn't leave a message. That is a first in our entire long lives. Then she called my cell phone. No message. Then she called the home phone again. She nervously choked out a message that she was coming to San Diego at the end of the month and wanted to see me. She said, "I love you." Less than 30 minutes later she called the home phone again and left an almost identical message. Drunk dialing?? I thought she was done drinking like me.
Luckily for me, my ex-husband-to-be and co-parent and best friend was here at the time. If he hadn't been, I'm certain a panic attack would have been in order for me. He held my hand--literally, and listened to me talk about the situation, and guided me in how to handle it. I chose to send a very brief, to-the-point email to my sister because I thought it would make her stop calling--which was causing me a LOT of stress, and it would prevent her from coming over to my house when she's in town. The email said I didn't want to see her or talk to her, please don't contact me again. That I made it very clear to mom in our last conversation what I needed from my family. That I wish her well always. I ended it with goodbye, and deliberately not with I love you because I finally figured out that those three words have been way too abused in my family.
Well, I already pretty much know that what I said to my mom back in June never was shared with anyone in the family, let alone registering in her mind; she didn't hear me, I know. Nonetheless, I had to say that to my sister for clarification about my mindset.
