For Example...

When they are in bed together he takes strands of her long hair and makes a mustache on her with it.
He doesn't say anything, he just smiles.
She thinks it's cute and playful at first.
But it happens regularly until she tells him to knock it off!

. . . More On My Fictional Screenplay Idea

He can't even admit it to himself.
He's a poser even unto himself.

It will be a Dramedy. I think that's a word? For Drama Comedy.

....About A Woman Who Thinks Her Husband Is Gay

My idea for a screenplay. Fictional.

Late Bloomer

I'm watching the movie, "The Rewrite" 2014. A washed-up screenwriter takes a college teaching job and finds an unexpected romance. Hugh Grant, Marisa Tomei...

It's re-igniting my latent passion to write a screenplay. (Been told already I have talent by Hal Croasman, screenwriter and teacher.)(But that was 12 years ago.)(When I accidentally found my "twin soul" on classmates.com, I ended up putting all my focus on him and our relationship and forgot about writing a screenplay.)(Hey, it happens!)

I think I could write a lot in here about wanting to write a screenplay. (sardonic)

I saw this book sitting on my floor that I bought quite a while ago with good intentions of reading.

It's now made it to my bed aka my office aka My Throne.

Just Can't Stand The Way I Feel Physically

I don't even know how to put it into words.
But it's like this almost all the time.
Just feeling so physically creepy.
I just can't stand it!
I'm so fucking sick of feeling so fucking sick.
GodDamnedMotherFucking ME/CFS and Hashimotos.

It felt like a good day for a vent like this one.

I'd rather be out and about, not in my bed (My Throne), where I spend on average 20-22 hours a day.
Every single day.
For 18 years and counting.

I Can't Believe It Myself --- But Why Hide It?

It seems like such an important part of my life and who I am; well of course it is; it's my sexuality.

I love it when people talk openly about their sexuality.

I happen to be a very sexual person --- who hasn't had sex in 10 years (with anybody but herself).

It's truly ironic too. For someone who loves sex as much as I do! And who's illness never diminished my libido, like it does to many. Heck, just being 58 can diminish a libido -- no so for moi.

So, I went from incest survivor, to being pretty promiscuous in college the early 80s (Sex & Drugs & Rock N Roll, yo !!), and up until I met my husband, Richard when I was 30 --- which was the mid 80s.

Then I became monogamous, because that's my true nature; to be in love and monogamous. But it wasn't a good sexual connection; we're not sexually compatible; but we were meant to make two perfect daughters together!! :D 

Then, about 15 years ago Richard and I became separated-but-living together.

Several years later I met my high school crush online at classmates.com in 2003 when that website was new. And that quickly became a long-distance love affair, as he and his wife were living separate lives. And the affair lasted for two years. And we've been good friends ever since. (Not smoothly, it took years of patience and work.)

He and his wife are happy in their marriage, but I remain happily separated in mine. And Richard moved into his own apartment over seven years ago.

But something happened to me when I met this man, who I believe to be my twin soul or the next closest thing to him. And the thought of being with another man turns my stomach. Or...

No New Cocks! As I'm fond of saying.

And that's all there is to it! Pretty tame story, yes? 

He and I haven't seen each other for a decade, and may never see each other again. But we truly have developed a very loving, healthy platonic friendship.

All I can say is, it's a good thing I like to masturbate once or twice a week or I'd never get any sexual release at all!

For the past 10 years I've been ADJUSTING to things.

Why I'm wanting to tell this story now, I have no idea; but I trust myself, and I trust that wanting to tell and telling is the right thing to do.

I'm truly learning the Art Of Self Love, and not needing a man, and becoming complete within myself, and finding happiness just the way things are.

I've done a hell of a lot of healing --- in many ways. 

I so totally still get lonely sometimes. My heart's desire is to live happily ever after with the man of my dreams. I've had that fantasy since I was 11. Life Had Other Plans.
I can't seem to give up hoping and waiting. ("Smoke" refers to weed.)

An Important BTW: I Never Ever Wanted Or Intended To Break Up His Marriage. From the get-go, being friends was basically the only thing that mattered. Truly. Well, that's how Twin Souls roll, you know; twin soulship doesn't inspire or provoke divorce; when twins meet when they are married to other people.  I've only ever supported his marriage, he's only ever supported mine. AMEN :D

Major Revelation For My Readers (?)

Hello.

I Haven't Had Sex For Over A Decade.

What?!



Do you want to know the story?

I Can't Give Up Hope

In This Lifetime
Somehow He And I Will Be Together
Against All Odds

God! I Love To Write! -- Late Bloomer Alert

Ahh, blog, you are sooo safe on account of my having so few readers! 

You are my living private and personal journal.

I can say practically anything I want to here.

My late father, the Methodist minister who sexually abused me, used to call me a "late bloomer." Well, he wasn't kidding. I Am a late bloomer.

Perhaps I will truly write something remarkable one day. (My memoir is mostly written, so that's something)(and I hear it's pretty damn fabulous from those who have read it)

Perhaps I will even get published (not that I haven't been published, I have).

Perhaps I will even make Money from my writing one day.
Wouldn't that be something!? !


I have always known that there is something Holding Me Back from Setting Myself Free as a writer
and just Writing. Just Doing it.

Fuck.

In the meantime, there's my used-to-be-a-secret-other-blog, that I did mention before, and that has many, many, many more readers than this blog:

www.jayarainbowangel.blogspot.com

It Can Be Really Hard To Love

I don't mind sharing my secrets
I never did like secrets or lies
I'd never share other people's secrets
Other people's secrets are theirs
  to do with as they choose

I'm hurting a bit right now
I just got to speak to my twin soul
  (or the next closest thing to him if it's not him)
First time in a few weeks I think

Everyone close to me knows about him
I've only recently revealed hints about him
   to the world

We're star crossed
No doubt about that

I may never see him again
Who knows
We haven't seen each other for over a decade

It's the most above-board friendship it could be
   now
It didn't used to be
It used to be quite a bit more than that
Oh How Things Change

I am here writing this like self therapy

I don't think I'll ever have sex or love again.....

My Not-A-Secret-No-Mo! Other Blog!

  Enjoy!
  Learn!
  Share with others struggling with addiction or weakness!

  www.jayarainbowangel.blogspot.com 

For You, Robin

Denial is a finger of blame pointing toward another. 

Conflict is an expectation imposed onto another. 

Frustration is the inability to control the will of another. 

Sadness is a dependency on another. 

Loneliness is waiting for another to arrive. 

Solitude is freedom from needing another. 

Harmony is embracing the uniqueness of another. 

Grace is seeing there is no other. 

Enlightenment is when the subjects of one and another disappear. 

Love is what remains throughout it all.

~ Matt Kahn

 

I've Been Trying To Tell People This For 18 Years. Great Article.

   Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Found Worse Than Diabetes, Multiple Sclerosis, Cancer, etc.

It IS Hard Having ME/CFS, It's Really, Really Hard

And sometimes it feels good to VENT and COMPLAIN and HAVE A SELF PITY PARTY.