MY MOTHER'S DAY CHOICE

​   I have come to the decision that I need to let this blog go for my greater good.

   As much as I love this blog (it's my baby), and even though I have a lot of readers (Thank You!),

   There are some readers I simply can no longer abide by, and there's no way to block them from reading my blog.

   It's become imperative for my very life itself that I free myself 100% from my FOO+.

   It's the only way I'm going to recover from them and find peace and wholeness.

   I simply can no longer have them spying on me and knowing about my life.

   I know nothing about their lives and that's the way I want it and need it.

   I orphaned myself from them for good reason.​

   My wonderful little family supports me 100%, and are so relieved!!!

 

   

I Am Blissed-Out Right Now! . . .

Listening to my grown daughters laughing and chatting in the family room working on my Mother's Day gift!

Mother's Day Is The BESTEST Holiday! !!

Remembering Gratitude

Because I love my FOO so much, part of me is grateful my ex-sister left that vm. Mostly, it did a negative number on me though, and I don't want her to call again. At the same time it was good to hear her voice because I miss her, I miss all of them. (It was love and abuse in the same package from them, remember.) My angelic self knows she was trying to reach-out to me, connect with me, and love me. Angelic Self meaning Higher Self. She was doing this the only way she knows how. And I DO feel her love. And, in theory, her suggestion that we start a snail-mail correspondence is a good one.

But me and my little family here are not buying it, because we know it will lead to my going down the rabbit hole again. We know she's not showing any signs of telling the truth, supporting me regarding the abuse, and thus bringing healing to it.

I'm trying not to judge her for that, believe me. I'm trying not to judge her on that because everyone has to grow at their own rate. I think she is doing the best she can, just as I am.

"The Courage To Heal" by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass, states How Important And Crucial it is to give the victim control over the relationships with the abusers; when healing is trying to take place.

May I Forever Live My Life In Peace And Joy As An Orphan 

(knowing that they will never "get" it and reunite with me)

May I Without Haste Recover From Them And Thrive In My New Life

May I Forgive And Let Go

Screw My Phone For Not Blocking Numbers And Allowing My Ex-Sister To Leave Me A VM At 11 PM

FOO, You must think I'm crazy. Of course you do, you all do. Your egos need to believe that I'm crazy rather than admit and heal all the abuse.

Karen, (and now I know you are reading my blogs even though I don't want you to since orphaning myself permanently), you must think I'm crazy to be lured back in by that seemingly loving vm you left me late last night, messing up my needed sleep, suggesting we communicate through snail-mail letters.

I'm not stupid, because I know it will only lead to more of the same ole same ole, and me getting HURT again.

My terms are CLEAR:

NO CONTACT (to any of us) EVER, ABOUT ANYTHING, UNLESS:

• YOU READ "THE COURAGE TO HEAL" BY LAURA DAVIS AND ELLEN BASS
• YOU READ MY MEMOIR-IN-PROGRESS
• ADMIT THAT I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED BY YOUR FATHER AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY YOUR MOTHER
• SHOW ME COMPASSION AND EMPATHY AND APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BELIEVING ME OR SUPPORTING ME
• ADMIT YOUR OWN ABUSE OF BULLYING ME MY ENTIRE LIFE
• APOLOGIZE SINCERELY AND PROFUSELY
• FEEL  DEAL  HEAL

I Have ALWAYS Wanted To, And Tried To Apologize For My Part In Any Of It, But Was Not Even Allowed To Do That Much, Let Alone Get Any Of You To Tell The Truth, Communicate, And Bring Healing.

Your mother, inexcusably, minimizes my abuse by your father and denies my abuse by her, and that means you all do; all my FOO and relatives. Because that's the way she wants it and has to have it. And because I'm expendable to her and all of you.

I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE

I WALKED AWAY FROM YOU ALL FOR GOOD REASON AND I'M NOT LOOKING BACK, BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT IS NEEDED TO CREATE REUNION

 Nonetheless,

Rough Morning

I'm truly not a whiner, nor do I make it a habit to talk about my illnesses or symptoms to people. In fact, I rarely mention them.

Keeping that in mind, let me tell you about this morning.

Three and a half months ago I broke my dental bridge eating popcorn.

For financial reasons I've had to put off getting a new bridge from my wonderful biological dentist, Dr. Yoo. Luckily, there's no pain living like this. I just have to chew mostly on the other side. It's $3600 for a bridge + $200 for a filling.

We finally got Dr. Yoo to agree to allow us to split the payments in half and I have an appointment tomorrow morning.

This morning I was experiencing rather overwhelming fear and anxiety over the upcoming 3-hour work that would be done tomorrow.

In the shower I figured out what was going on. This kind of procedure simply does not mix with ME/CFS. It will entirely do me in. It will be too much for me to endure physically. It will put me into a very big crash where I will be comatose-like. Even getting my teeth cleaned renders me bed-bound for the rest of the day.

As of yet, Dr. Yoo isn't well informed about my disease, so that adds to my fear, because he simply doesn't have a clue what it's like for me. In fact, none of my doctors do. That's just the way it is for almost all ME/CFS patients.

I think I was shaking and crying a little when I called his office this morning to tell them I am not up for this procedure yet and to see if I could come in just to get the filling for now. That alone will take a lot out of me, but I'll still be able to drive myself home.

I'm going to have to schedule the bridge work when someone in my family is available to drop me off and pick me up, for one thing. And at least, getting the filling ahead of time will cut down on the duration and intensity of the procedure a little.

I don't know why I couldn't think all this through before this morning, but it's probably mostly due to the cognitive impairment of ME/CFS. Not to mention that I tend to have amnesia about how sick I really am. That and how I tend to just go along with what my doctors say.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY WHINE!

Again, my ex-mother's voice in my head. I've been ill for 18 years and she nor anyone else in my FOO ever asked me how I'm doing. That's first of all. The few times I volunteered to talk to my ex-mother about my disease, she would say, "Boy, Judy, you sure do have a lot of problems!" in a Very Condescending Tone, and then she's laugh that witch cackle.

I do trust Dr. Yoo to take good care of me when the time comes, and it wouldn't even surprise me if he watches the DVD I lent him in January about my disease. "Forgotten Plague" It's a brand new ground-breaking 1-hour film. info: www.forgottenplague.com

Writing My Way To Wholeness

If I tell myself the truth, and allow myself to blog about it, it will help me.
Tons of people who like to write find this to be true for them.
Right now I am feeling like crap in every way but especially emotionally. <sigh>
Usually when this happens, especially in the morning, I get sort of paralyzed for a while.
Paralyzed in sadness, grief, emptiness, and loss.
My little family and I had a great day yesterday, I slept very well, and I woke up happy.
You know what I mean?
You know how when you first start to come-to and you feel all joyful and peaceful inside?
God, I love that!
And that is the norm for me because despite everything I'm basically a happy person in love with life.
So, I guess I gotta give myself some props right now.
I'm doing great. I'm simply grieving.
I hear my ex-mother's voice all the time criticizing me and telling me there's something wrong with me.
So, when I feel like crap, as I do presently, I'm very unforgiving of myself and I tend to have horrible, self-condemning self-talk.

So, F U C K  H E R !!!!!!!!!!!
There, hopefully that will help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!