Everything Happens For A Reason

I know I'm not nearly as bad as my friend thinks I am
But I sure am grateful for his help in my being able to take a closer look at myself
Maybe he was a little harsh on me
Maybe his reaction to me had more to do with him than with me
Maybe it's better that we take space from one another

It's All Good

Wonder if he has a clue how ill I am in the ME/CFS that I've been challenged with for 18 years?
Wonder if he has a clue what kind of a toll that takes on a soul?
Wonder if he further understands what it's like to be an orphan?
Wonder if he really believes that I'm a "Toxic person?"
If he does, then, well, I'm better off without him in my life
But I wish him only Love

www.forgottenplague.com

My Friend Has Chosen To Block Me On Facebook

<sigh>
He did it before I could send him this pm:

Thank You For The Wake Up Call! OMG, did you make me THINK. I asked my daughters, in their young 20s, if they thought I was a Toxic person, and they said no. And I'm grateful because I ALWAYS tried to protect them from my dark side, and I was successful. But when I asked Richard, over the phone, if he thought I was a Toxic person? He PAUSED (!) He Had To Think About It! Then he said, "In what way?" All I could do at the time was hang up.

Let me tell you, I went to bed last night thinking very hard on this subject. And let me tell you, I withdrew in my bed until 1 pm today, hiding, because I felt so bad about being a Toxic person. But when I woke up, I Woke Up!

YES, sometimes when I drink too much I become a Toxic person. I swear to Jesus I didn't know. I couldn't see.

You have Helped Me So Much to get my act together, and I know I shall! xo. Thank You So Very Much.

Please stick around and witness my further growth! *I* Am one of the most Nourishing, Loving, Giving, Healing people on the planet. :D As Are YOU

An Open Letter Of Apology To A Dear-To-Me Friend

My Dear Friend ~

   I am so, so sorry I hurt your feelings last night. I truly did not mean to. I was genuinely trying to engage in loving, playful banter that in my mind was innocent; even the subject matter. Honestly! I'm definitely in the camp of outrageous, controversial sarcastic-wit folks. But I never ever thought anything negative about you or your anatomy in any way. And I am still shocked that people in general are still so sensitive about certain things in this day and age.

   As if I'm not sensitive about things though! I was simply thoughtless and careless and rather stupid and insensitive, and it was entirely unintended! Too much booze and pot.

   It's no wonder my type of man is a cop (or retired cop)! These kinds of problems would never come up for us, being that we are immune to being hurt in any way by each other's banter! I keep forgetting that not everyone gets my personality!

  Oh God, I hope and pray that you will forgive me, my friend! I love and respect you so much!

              Sincerely, Judy

IMPORTANT: Nobody but you knows who I'm talking to, and nobody but you knows the subject matter, and nobody but you ever shall! 

I Have To Tell You, It Was The Best 59th Birthday Weekend I Ever Had! ;)

I don't write much on this blog, and my other blog has become more significant and timely for me. : )

My birthday weekend was awesome; with mixed emotions; which is always fine. "The Messy Middle" as SARK says! : )

But, oh my goodness, the play the four of us saw last night, on my birthday day, was perfect for me. I didn't even know until I woke up this morning after a lovely night's sleep with sweet dreams, that the play was about how pedophilia kills!!! It finally all came together in my mind; the subtle messages; the real meaning of the play:

At the Cygnet Theatre in Old Town, San Diego.

I'm in utter awe.

I cried and cried and cried this morning.

You know why.

More Healing Tears.

Life As Perfection

Snappy title, eh?
Misleading to be sure because there is no essay growing here,
I just wanted to say

Life Is Perfect Just The Way It Is !!!
For me,
For you,
For All of us

So just B R E A T H E
And send "I Love You" in abundance to your heart
You Deserve More Love Not Less !

To My FOO If You Are Spying On My Blog

Per my thoughtful letter in November, please stop contacting me. I will not engage with you other than how I clearly requested. Thank You.

11/21/15

May You Be Blessed. May You Be Healed.

Dear FOO (family of origin) ~

            For what it's worth, I feel compelled to write you this letter. There's absolutely nothing more important than family; whether that be birth family or extended family. Our story is a tragic one, that is, for me it is. The emotional suffering I am experiencing is unbearable and the worst pain I have ever known. To have your mother (and the rest of you, and all your relatives) turn her back on you, minimize the abuse by my father, deny the abuse by her, and call me crazy because of what ALL of it did to me...  How Does A Person Live With This ??? Richard says NO mother would turn her back on her child if she loved her.

            Profound, healing books, such as the one I've been begging you all to read for decades, "The Courage To Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, as well as many other books about abuse, as well as every therapist I've ever talked to, say that THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR A PARENT TO MINIMIZE OR DENY ANY ABUSE OF HER CHILD. And so, that is where are left, for that is exactly what is happening to me. And, dear souls, that ain't love.

            I just needed to get this out of me and onto you where it belongs.

___________________________________

From my book:

“We forgive by letting go of blame and opening to the pain we have tried to push away.”

   ~  Tara Brach

And:

"We are told"..."that until we forgive we will never heal. We forget that forgiveness is a grieving process that often includes the expression and release of negative emotions, especially disappointment and anger. It's no use trying to avoid these painful feelings. Forgiveness that is insincere, forced, or premature can be more psychologically damaging than authentic bitterness and rage." ~ Sharon Salzberg.

            This is where I'm at. My goal, my desire, my intention has never wavered my entire life: Only to bring Truth, Communication, Forgiveness, Healing, and Understanding to my FOO and me.

            You've finally gotten through to me by finally showing me your true colors; that that is NEVER EVER going to happen. So, I will continue working on healing my life, and on forgiveness, as an orphan.

            You are not welcome to contact any of us again unless it's to (also from my book):

·         Own your “stuff”

·         Validate the person’s feelings

·         Explain to understanding

·         Apologize when needed

            I am readily and easily willing and able to own "my" stuff; to take responsibility for my mistakes and actions, to apologize and all the rest of it --- always have been always will be. That's another way I am completely different from all of you.

           

Thank you for showing me what I was never meant to become.

Thank you for teaching me what I am strong enough to survive.

P.S. To Previous Post

I'm sooo not leaving my spiritual community!

<happy dance!>

(Even though they did delete that post below as well, and even though Admin. didn't respond to my request-post to them. This TDN (True Divine Nature) Facebook community is run independently and not by my spiritual teacher, Matt Kahn (and Julie Dittmar), but Matt and Julie do post there from time to time.) xo

I Wonder If I'm Outgrowing Another Spiritual Community?

It's perfectly normal to do so, but this time it might not be under pleasant circumstances.

I only gravitate towards spiritual communities of free-thinkers. I was part of Eckhart Tolle's community for many years. Then I naturally gravitated towards Matt Kahn (True Divine Nature) when I discovered him two years ago.

But I'm not happy with the Facebook community that was created by some of his students. I'm feeling hurt and demeaned. They are deleting people's posts without the courtesy or loving kindness of notifying them and explaining why. Matt would never treat anyone that way.

Here's the second post of mine they deleted (I just found out when I went to the group to read more comments):

"Sorry 'bout that! My bad?
Quite a while back I posted -- wondering if Matt and Julie were a couple, and that wasn't deleted. (I learned they used to be!)
Several days ago I wondered out loud here what Matt's sexuality was. It was a natural, normal query out of love, interest, and curiosity. And if he happened to be gay (or straight or bi), how cool that would be.
It got deleted, I see. I'd expect that from the sexually repressed, homophobic world, but not my beloved TDN community heart emoticon, which I've been a grateful part of for nearly two years. xo
Perhaps it was my wording that was misunderstood? I'm not on Facebook much smile emoticon so I only saw the first comment..."

 I'm truly taken aback that so many people found this offensive. These are supposed to be more enlightened people than most. I commented in the comments that sexuality is God-given and meant to be celebrated. I also just shared with friends there (at least I thought those were my friends) that it would be so cool if Matt were gay and how much the world needs a top spiritual teacher who is gay to help unify the world about sexuality.

Stuff like that.

I just posted this there. If it gets ignored by Admin or deleted, I'll leave the group for sure:

"Request to Admin:
Please notify people when you delete their posts. Please have that courtesy and loving kindness to alert them and explain why.
It's very hurtful and demeaning otherwise, and I know Matt and Julie would never do such a thing to a TDN member.
Thank You, and May You Be Blessed heart emoticon"

I won't be leaving Matt Kahn's work and teachings though!