God, I'm So Depressed And I Feel Like I'm Slowly Dying

I just don't think I can take anymore. My FOOs abuse and neglect of me my entire life has been slowly, painfully killing me. And so often I don't even have the will to live and wish I was never born and the only thing I have to live for are my precious, beloved daughters. But that I'm actually slowly dying of heartbreak and disease. And It's All Their Fault. And They Don't Even Give A Damn.

I Fear I'm In Danger

Somehow, I was triggered to get drunk and call my ex-mother last night on my oldest daughter's birthday. This came as a total shock and surprise to me. This morning I understand why I needed to do it though. I needed to learn for myself that if she dies before admitting and healing the abuse it's going to totally annihilate me. She and my now deceased father already destroyed me and my life and turned my relatives against me. She can't see this and she doesn't care.

I thought I was OK and I thought I was getting stronger. It has felt like my FOO is finally going to leave us alone and stop contacting us (unless, as I requested, it's to Feel Deal Heal). This gave me some new energy and life, and I could start visualizing my re-built future without a FOO. But, now I see that I didn't think about what it would do to me if she dies leaving things as they are. And I clearly see that that is exactly what she is going to do.

The conversation last night started out so jovial. I immediately started talking about Bernie. Mom was very surprised to hear from me, of course. I was buzzed on too much wine and cannabis and I was feeling happy. I loved learning that all of my FOO are supporting Bernie.

I was grateful to her for not sending Anna a birthday card----perhaps that's what triggered me to call her. It's the first time in our history she or any of them have honored my request from all four of us for no contact.

But then, when I bravely and gently brought up the reason for not wanting contact except to talk about and heal the abuse. SHE ONCE AGAIN DENIED EVER EMOTIONALLY ABUSING ME. I softly said, Yes, you did, mom. AND SHE HUNG UP ON ME.

She also minimizes the sexual abuse by my father.

ALL the relatives believe her. That's why I'm a pariah, a destroyed, heartbroken pariah. Because, in my FOO it was love and abuse in the same package to me. That is more crazy-making and confusing than abuse only.

The way she looked at me many years ago when we surprised her at her birthday party in Vegas per my sibling's invite. We hadn't seen her for a couple of years. My disposable Kodak caught her involuntary expression when she spotted me: Disappointment and Contempt. Two seconds later she was all smiles like nothing was wrong. I call this picture "Proof" because it's the first time I have some kind of evidence of what she really thinks of me:

The way We looked then:

I Love And Bless My FOO (family of origin) To Infinity And Beyond!

My Parents Is Warped Love

Pleased With The Header Change Above

Updating my blog header is good medicine after having yet another dream last night of being sexually abused by my father.

He's been dead nearly two decades yet he still invades my dreams regularly, as does the rest of my FOO. He appears as if in present-day and it's always mortifying and far too real to be just a dream.

It's part of my burden to bear due to them refusing to Feel Deal Heal with me.

On another note, boy did I score when I found this class!:

  Writing-As-A-Spiritual-Practice

Thank You Matt

The difference between a lightworker and a victim has nothing to do with the situations faced, but how one responds to the circumstances at hand. A lightworker uses their world of experiences to become the change they wish to see, while a victim is hurt by the actions of a world, while waiting for the change they have yet to become. On a spiritual level, a victim is a lightworker in training.  ~ Matt Kahn  

To Breathe

This is me starting to wake up from a very long nightmare and being able to get a glimmer of what a hero I actually am. How courageously brave it was of me to put myself into the lion's den that is my FOO (family of origin)..........

No wonder I'd been practically drowning myself in alcohol. But I'm not anymore.

The grieving and the PTSD would have done me in otherwise.

The suffering from the continued abuse and neglect they doled out on me would have killed me otherwise.

The stark realization of just how true it is that they destroyed me and my life would have been too overwhelming without drinking. (Thank you, alcohol, my friend.)

So, enough time has passed for me to start to really see and appreciate myself.

Oh My God the things I had to go through the past couple of years at their hands, in my millionth attempt to try to bring healing.

I failed at that, but I did finally get the whole truth about them. So now I can really be free.

Oh my god I hope I'll be able to find the words to describe it all one day.

But for now I am gleaning a new appreciation of myself, instead of feeling like a loser and a victim.

 

 

Still Here, For Now

Been so heavily grieving and in PTSD over my FOO (family of origin) for such a long time now.
Haven't been blogging here because my ex-mother and ex-sister read it, and that's toxic to my well-being and hinders my healing process.

There are no words to describe and express my emotional pain over all that is.

I Hate Them All So Much For All They Have Done To Me.
And, it's all SO SENSELESS and UNFATHOMABLE!

They literally DESTROYED me and my life, all the while telling me endlessly that they LOVE me.

It took me SO VERY LONG to get the Whole Truth because of the Love-and-Abuse in the same package, and the great charade they've put on.
I've been trying to bring communication and truth and healing to us for OVER THREE DECADES, but, at age 58 (I'm 59 now), I finally got the true picture of who they are and what they really think of me.

I gave them EVERY chance in the world, over and over again, to work things out. But they only ever refused. I'M EXPENDABLE TO THEM.

Incest, Emotional Abuse, Narcissism, Materialism = My FOO


There Is NO Hope