Waking Up Is Hard To Do

That's why most people remain in denial

I sure did

Unlucky In Love---Part 2

Simply:
When most of the people you love more than life itself don't love you,
including your family of origin, and your supposed twin soul,
what do you do?

Unlucky In Love--Part 1

I have the best relationship ever with my separated husband (that sounds funny, huh! he's not separated; he's not a separated person! WE are separated!), and we have long since found the perfect expression for our very real love as platonic best friends, co-parents, and life-partners. Our bond and relationship keeps deepening over the years. It lacks true emotional intimacy and sex; but those things can't be found between the two of us. I think I tried to force our marriage, and so did he, when we were a married couple.

I'm very lucky and blessed to have him and our two college girls. :D
I never take them for granted!

I've been openly in love with a man whom I had an affair with that started when Richard and I were separated-but-living together (he eventually moved out when our youngest turned 13) in 2003 and ended in 2005, and we only met-up four times; but we've somehow managed to stay long-distance friends. He calls me regularly, but we haven't seen each other in over 10 years, and probably won't again. His wife and he were living separate lives, but they are closer now, although still pretty much doing their own thing; yet our affair, when she found out about it way back then, ended up bringing them closer.

I was truly happy about that. All I've ever wanted is for him to be happy, and I never wanted to break-up his marriage. I have thought we were twin souls, and from what I've read, twin souls could never even want to let alone aspire to break-up the other's marriage, and that's been naturally true for us; but it's hard when your twin soul is married, ya know?!

He is the first man I've ever known whom I felt like I could have true emotional intimacy with. When I met him (after not seeing each other since high school 30 years prior), I sensed immediately that we were both emotional intimacy virgins. He and I are also perfectly and completely sexually compatible, and neither one of us had ever had that before either.

So... see how Powerful the connection and bond?!

OhMyGod and he knows how to and loves to banter!!! What a plus!!!

I haven't even wanted to be with another person since him, and I haven't.
Even to me that is beyond weird.
Well, you know what they say, when you find the Perfect Cock!... haha

He ruined me for other men! Or is that he ruined other men for me? I never can remember the correct expression!

So, we've been having this mostly lovely, healthy platonic friendship for a decade. But it's been very difficult for me, given my strong feelings for him.

Anyway, I'm now wondering if my feelings are starting to change??
I hate long blog posts so I'm going to stop here.

To Be Continued

Dude!, This Says It All!! : ) (click on the link)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jS9V_A_0eQk

 

Definitely Grieving HARD But Feeling My Spirit Slowly Getting Lighter

It now bugs me, though, that my FOO (family of origin) knows about my blogs.
I wish they didn't.
I don't want to have anything to do with them ever again, and I don't like the feeling of knowing that they may be reading them. : (
But, I reckon, every time they may, unbeknownst to them they'll be giving me some of my power back that they took from me by trying to silence me, and always making me feel expendable -- and they'd Hate that. : )
Thinking of it that way helps a bit.

The Pain Is Too Great

I'll truly never recover from getting the whole truth
but at least I have the truth now
And I will keep remembering how my psychologist made me feel:

Strong, Sane, Confident, Smart, Self Respect, Self Love, OKAY, Survivor, Liberated, Free...

Regardless of my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) making me feel Crazy and basically telling me as such my whole life, and even more so this year.

Emily, my psychologist, emailed me, "You certainly are a misfit in your FOO - and I mean that as a compliment!!!"

Learning that my cousin, Cheryll, whom I grew up with-----we were so close and had so much fun together and did so many creative things-----DOESN'T BELIEVE ME about the abuse.....

I'm STILL in shock and that was five days ago.
It's unfathomable
It's unbearable
It's senseless
It's non-understandable
It's insane!

Did ANY of my FOO+ EVER love me??!
I really doubt it.

Emily says things about my mother like, "Won't That Woman Take Responsibility For ANYTHING??" The answer is No.
And she points out how SNEAKY and often SUBTLE my mother's abuse of me is.

My mother and my deceased father are the LIARS that manipulated and turned my entire FOO+ against me!
And THATs the Cold Hard Truth

But to me, it doesn't excuse that not one of them believes me anyway.

OMG, I've WASTED MY ENTIRE LIFE ON PEOPLE UNWORTHY OF MY LOVE.
I'VE WASTED MY ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO BRING HEALING AND REUNION WITH THOSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T REALLY LOVE ME. BY DOING THIS I'VE MADE MYSELF CRAZIER THAN THEY MADE ME.

BUT HERE'S THE THING: I'M NOT CRAZY, I'M THE ONLY SANE ONE!
I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THE TRUTH AND TELLS IT.

They are INCAPABLE OF CHANGING so I am truly DONE with ALL of them FOREVER.

I will slowly rebuild my life without them and without any hope of them.

But I will NEVER Recover. You can't recover from something like this.

And I'm TIRED of and DONE making excuses for them too, as I have my whole life. There IS No Excuse For How Badly They Treat Me.

Cross-Posting Again!

Link:

    Thanks Kids! : )

Things Got Even Worse Yet

Just learned that the cousin I grew up with and who came back into my life this year after years of estrangement doesn't believe me about the abuse.

I knew she and everyone else didn't want to talk about or deal with it, but this year I learned the colder, harder truth.

I'll Never Recover From This