MY MOTHER'S DAY CHOICE

​   I have come to the decision that I need to let this blog go for my greater good.

   As much as I love this blog (it's my baby), and even though I have a lot of readers (Thank You!),

   There are some readers I simply can no longer abide by, and there's no way to block them from reading my blog.

   It's become imperative for my very life itself that I free myself 100% from my FOO+.

   It's the only way I'm going to recover from them and find peace and wholeness.

   I simply can no longer have them spying on me and knowing about my life.

   I know nothing about their lives and that's the way I want it and need it.

   I orphaned myself from them for good reason.​

   My wonderful little family supports me 100%, and are so relieved!!!

 

   

I Am Blissed-Out Right Now! . . .

Listening to my grown daughters laughing and chatting in the family room working on my Mother's Day gift!

Mother's Day Is The BESTEST Holiday! !!

Remembering Gratitude

Because I love my FOO so much, part of me is grateful my ex-sister left that vm. Mostly, it did a negative number on me though, and I don't want her to call again. At the same time it was good to hear her voice because I miss her, I miss all of them. (It was love and abuse in the same package from them, remember.) My angelic self knows she was trying to reach-out to me, connect with me, and love me. Angelic Self meaning Higher Self. She was doing this the only way she knows how. And I DO feel her love. And, in theory, her suggestion that we start a snail-mail correspondence is a good one.

But me and my little family here are not buying it, because we know it will lead to my going down the rabbit hole again. We know she's not showing any signs of telling the truth, supporting me regarding the abuse, and thus bringing healing to it.

I'm trying not to judge her for that, believe me. I'm trying not to judge her on that because everyone has to grow at their own rate. I think she is doing the best she can, just as I am.

"The Courage To Heal" by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass, states How Important And Crucial it is to give the victim control over the relationships with the abusers; when healing is trying to take place.

May I Forever Live My Life In Peace And Joy As An Orphan 

(knowing that they will never "get" it and reunite with me)

May I Without Haste Recover From Them And Thrive In My New Life

May I Forgive And Let Go

Screw My Phone For Not Blocking Numbers And Allowing My Ex-Sister To Leave Me A VM At 11 PM

FOO, You must think I'm crazy. Of course you do, you all do. Your egos need to believe that I'm crazy rather than admit and heal all the abuse.

Karen, (and now I know you are reading my blogs even though I don't want you to since orphaning myself permanently), you must think I'm crazy to be lured back in by that seemingly loving vm you left me late last night, messing up my needed sleep, suggesting we communicate through snail-mail letters.

I'm not stupid, because I know it will only lead to more of the same ole same ole, and me getting HURT again.

My terms are CLEAR:

NO CONTACT (to any of us) EVER, ABOUT ANYTHING, UNLESS:

• YOU READ "THE COURAGE TO HEAL" BY LAURA DAVIS AND ELLEN BASS
• YOU READ MY MEMOIR-IN-PROGRESS
• ADMIT THAT I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED BY YOUR FATHER AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY YOUR MOTHER
• SHOW ME COMPASSION AND EMPATHY AND APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BELIEVING ME OR SUPPORTING ME
• ADMIT YOUR OWN ABUSE OF BULLYING ME MY ENTIRE LIFE
• APOLOGIZE SINCERELY AND PROFUSELY
• FEEL  DEAL  HEAL

I Have ALWAYS Wanted To, And Tried To Apologize For My Part In Any Of It, But Was Not Even Allowed To Do That Much, Let Alone Get Any Of You To Tell The Truth, Communicate, And Bring Healing.

Your mother, inexcusably, minimizes my abuse by your father and denies my abuse by her, and that means you all do; all my FOO and relatives. Because that's the way she wants it and has to have it. And because I'm expendable to her and all of you.

I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE

I WALKED AWAY FROM YOU ALL FOR GOOD REASON AND I'M NOT LOOKING BACK, BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT IS NEEDED TO CREATE REUNION

 Nonetheless,

Rough Morning

I'm truly not a whiner, nor do I make it a habit to talk about my illnesses or symptoms to people. In fact, I rarely mention them.

Keeping that in mind, let me tell you about this morning.

Three and a half months ago I broke my dental bridge eating popcorn.

For financial reasons I've had to put off getting a new bridge from my wonderful biological dentist, Dr. Yoo. Luckily, there's no pain living like this. I just have to chew mostly on the other side. It's $3600 for a bridge + $200 for a filling.

We finally got Dr. Yoo to agree to allow us to split the payments in half and I have an appointment tomorrow morning.

This morning I was experiencing rather overwhelming fear and anxiety over the upcoming 3-hour work that would be done tomorrow.

In the shower I figured out what was going on. This kind of procedure simply does not mix with ME/CFS. It will entirely do me in. It will be too much for me to endure physically. It will put me into a very big crash where I will be comatose-like. Even getting my teeth cleaned renders me bed-bound for the rest of the day.

As of yet, Dr. Yoo isn't well informed about my disease, so that adds to my fear, because he simply doesn't have a clue what it's like for me. In fact, none of my doctors do. That's just the way it is for almost all ME/CFS patients.

I think I was shaking and crying a little when I called his office this morning to tell them I am not up for this procedure yet and to see if I could come in just to get the filling for now. That alone will take a lot out of me, but I'll still be able to drive myself home.

I'm going to have to schedule the bridge work when someone in my family is available to drop me off and pick me up, for one thing. And at least, getting the filling ahead of time will cut down on the duration and intensity of the procedure a little.

I don't know why I couldn't think all this through before this morning, but it's probably mostly due to the cognitive impairment of ME/CFS. Not to mention that I tend to have amnesia about how sick I really am. That and how I tend to just go along with what my doctors say.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY WHINE!

Again, my ex-mother's voice in my head. I've been ill for 18 years and she nor anyone else in my FOO ever asked me how I'm doing. That's first of all. The few times I volunteered to talk to my ex-mother about my disease, she would say, "Boy, Judy, you sure do have a lot of problems!" in a Very Condescending Tone, and then she's laugh that witch cackle.

I do trust Dr. Yoo to take good care of me when the time comes, and it wouldn't even surprise me if he watches the DVD I lent him in January about my disease. "Forgotten Plague" It's a brand new ground-breaking 1-hour film. info: www.forgottenplague.com

Writing My Way To Wholeness

If I tell myself the truth, and allow myself to blog about it, it will help me.
Tons of people who like to write find this to be true for them.
Right now I am feeling like crap in every way but especially emotionally. <sigh>
Usually when this happens, especially in the morning, I get sort of paralyzed for a while.
Paralyzed in sadness, grief, emptiness, and loss.
My little family and I had a great day yesterday, I slept very well, and I woke up happy.
You know what I mean?
You know how when you first start to come-to and you feel all joyful and peaceful inside?
God, I love that!
And that is the norm for me because despite everything I'm basically a happy person in love with life.
So, I guess I gotta give myself some props right now.
I'm doing great. I'm simply grieving.
I hear my ex-mother's voice all the time criticizing me and telling me there's something wrong with me.
So, when I feel like crap, as I do presently, I'm very unforgiving of myself and I tend to have horrible, self-condemning self-talk.

So, F U C K  H E R !!!!!!!!!!!
There, hopefully that will help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Pretend Letter To My Ex-Mother To Help Heal My Tortured Soul

 I opened up my soul as a writer and this is what came out

Fay ~

Why?

Why are things the way they are between us? Why did you let this happen? Why do you hate me? Why did you emotionally abuse and neglect me my entire life (while you treated my older sister and younger brother only with kindness and respect, especially your precious son whom to you the sun rises and sets on)? Why do you deny doing it? Why do you minimize the sexual abuse by my ex-father [deceased]? Why do you tell my siblings and my relatives lies about me? Why do you want them to think badly of me? Why do you allow my beloved nephew and nieces to be turned against me?

Why did you constantly tell me that you love me? The way you think of me and treat me is not love.

WHY?!

W H Y ?!?!

I've only ever loved and worshiped you, as all children do their parents. I only ever wanted your love. I only ever wanted you to like me. I know I was a good little girl. I know I was intelligent, with a gifted IQ, and a good student (until the depression over what I was living through caused me to flake-out on getting good grades in high school. And I couldn't even manage getting an education past community college, I was so damaged).

Why do you abandon me to suffer alone? You always have and you always will.

Why don't you want what I want: Communication, Truth, Healing, Forgiveness, Reunion?!

W  H  Y  ????!!!!????

The Way You Looked At Me; Your Involuntary Reaction When You First Saw Me At Your Birthday Party In 2004. You Didn't Expect Me Or My Family To Be There. We Were Invited To Come As A Surprise By My Sister And Brother. We Hadn't Seen Each Other In Over Two Years. Your Expression Changed To A Fake Smile Two Seconds Later. No One Would Have Even Noticed The Truth Of How You Feel About Me: Contempt And Disappointment -- Had My Disposable Kodak Camera Not Caught This "Proof."

Not that you or anybody else in my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) care. But my wonderful little family cares and supports me 100%.

The Way We Looked There (and your granddaughters had no clue about the abuse then. I protected them from the truth until they were teenagers. I tried with all my might to keep them in your life, even as teens, because they loved you and you loved them, and that's how much I loved you, and I wanted them to have their family. But as of two or three years ago, as young adults, They Fuckin' HATE You And Want Nothing To Do With You Because Of How You Treat Their Beloved Mom.)

I can't want Communication, Truth, Healing, Forgiveness, Reunion anymore. I fought my entire life for that, but I was SO WRONG. For whatever unfathomable reason it's not possible because you won't allow it.

So NOW I Need To Hate You, All Of You, and have nothing more to do with you ever. If I don't Hate you, I will hate myself, as you made me do my entire life. My HATE OF YOU is HEALTHY and HEALING for me because I'm finally telling myself the Whole Truth about my feelings, and because I don't deserve to hate myself. But I still do hate myself and now I hate myself for hating you. I Did Nothing Wrong, except for being born, apparently. I must forgive myself for that. It was out of my control.

Eventually I will forgive all of you because that's Who I Am. But I will never understand. I Will NEVER Have Anything To Do With Any Of You Again. My siblings, because of you, always bullied and neglected me, and NONE of my relatives have ever been there for me.

YET, there was love and joy growing up too. There are many happy memories. There was love and abuse in the same package. As ground-breaking books like The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis explains, that makes it more crazy-making, and much harder to recover from, than if it was just abuse.

  At My Methodist Minister Ex-Father's Memorial Service 1999, Fay and Howard were long divorced (that's me on the left. my ex-mother's hand is definitely not touching me. she'd rather touch the rail.)

I Wonder How Long It Will Take, If Ever, To Recover From FOO

Silly of me to think I was over them already. Silly of me to even hope for that. I'm talkin' heavy grieving and PTSD, that, mercifully, is better since my clear decision the other day. See: judyactonayala.blogspot.com/chest-pains-healed-yesterday-after-i.html

But, I need to allow myself as much time as I need to try to find lasting peace and happiness.

This new video from Matt Kahn helped:  Respecting The Shadow