I Might Have To Completely Orphan Myself Again

AAARGH! Here we go yet again! My descent into deep depression caused by emotional upset because of my family of origin and my relatives. I don't know that I have any choice but to disconnect from them on Facebook. I'm relatively new to Facebook and at first it seemed like a good place to reconnect with family, and at first it was. But there have been one or two great accidental hurts for me because of them as well. This latest one is kind of putting me over the edge. Because almost all of the interaction with family the past months has been so present and positive, I posted twice--a plea to family to acknowledge my ME/CFS (at long last), as no one really has in the 16 1/2 years I've been challenged with the devastating, debilitating illness that is stigmatized in the world. Let alone being there for me in any way. I thought maybe just maybe I found the right door to their hearts. Facebook has proven a safe and appropriate way to share important things with people, and it has a very strong ME/CFS community with lots of public advocacy. So I simply shared a humorous website that absolutely nails what this disease is like via joke gifs! http://constantfuckingshit.wordpress.com/mecfs-explained/ It's a great website to help raise awareness! I have to express how deeply it wounds me that not one relative acknowledged my posts. Because of this unfortunate fact, I decided to post in the comments on my FB post to the dear friends who cared---what my brother had emailed me some time ago---to make the point of how it reflects what my entire family probably thinks, apparently:

In one email, "But as you say, since it’s incurable and untreatable, I guess it’s better to pretend it doesn’t exist."
And in an earlier email, "I don't care about your CFS."

David had sent these after I had been there for him during his horrible cancer ordeal last year! Not only there for him emotionally, but I believe I had a key part in his rapid, miraculous recovery! Thanks to the Archangel Raphael! (I had orphaned myself from my family for 1 1/2 years when my mother brought me back in when David got lymphoma. I can't tell you how much I wept when I learned that terrible news. I love my brother with all my heart. I was only too grateful to do anything in my power to help him heal.)

If that's throwing my brother and family under the bus, well, haven't they done that to me my whole life? Starting with the incest and emotional abuse by my parents, prospectively, and then my entire family turning their backs on me and pegging me "mentally ill" after I spoke up about it with the intention of bringing healing to us through the truth?

No wonder I'm writing a memoir! I HAVE to write it. For so many reasons.

But right now I need to nip this onset of depression in the bud so I can get back to my normally happy state of being! I worked far too long and far to hard to achieve happiness to ever sacrifice it again, not even for any loyalty I feel for family, or my strong desire to be a part of the family. And I don't see any other way out than to unfriend all the relatives? Wait, no, I'll start by unfollowing them because that's less harsh. In other words, it is now simply causing me too much pain to see their posts on Facebook. Their happiness is a constant slap in the face to me--I mean, that's the way it feels now. Don't get me wrong! I am genuinely happy for them and I feel supportive towards them! I really do! I love them! 

Forgive me if I'm not representing myself better in this post. That I'm not reflecting all the spiritual and emotional growth I've acquired. I'm feeling too down and too fatigued to do better right now.

I truly wish only peace and love to each and every soul.
We have to follow our own paths.
I also truly believe that each one of us is a future Ascended Master! :)

Damn!, girl!

 Whew! If you haven't seen this you haven't experienced Maya Angelou.

  http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2014/08/19/maya-angelou-bill-moyers-facing-evil/

Had A Dream About Robin Williams

I dreamt that Robin and I knew and cared about each other (even though it felt like we just met) and that I was moving in with him into this dilapidated ranch-style house, that he had apparently lived in for a very long time! It looked like it ought to be condemned and torn down because it was literally falling apart! It was located in my city, El Cajon, on a rural corner right next to the on and off-ramps of the noisy freeway! I was actually excited and enthusiastic about this "great find" of a house and asked him how much he paid for it. He said "$12,000." And that really impressed me! (LOL!) There was someone else in the house with us but I don't recall who. The tone of the dream was that he was super depressed and that I was trying to help him! At one point he just sat in the backyard staring out at nothing. I asked him if there was anything I could do to help, and to please put me to work around the house, but he declined my offer. Then I asked him if I could wash the windows, which were large picture windows! Then I woke up!

I think the dream was telling me, in part, to wash the windows of my own old house, which are very dirty and spotty!

I'm Putting Myself To Work

I'm putting myself to work. Instead of working on my work as the spirit moves me, like I've been doing for years, I'm going to work on my work four hours a day M - F. This means to me that I'm taking my work seriously! This means to me that after nearly two decades of not being able to work outside the home due to illness, I now feel like I've created something I can do -- mostly from My Throne (my bed), that is worthwhile. And that if I commit to it I can generate some needed income. Richard has been pulling his weight by himself for long enough working two jobs to support all of us. Our girls are in college (living at home), and I am desperate to pull my financial weight around here and help us get out of a quagmire of debt (we have a high FICO though!), now that I've pretty much finished my major work of raising them! 

I feel better about myself when I'm working. Oh, and I never wanted to apply for disability insurance for lots of reasons. It would have been a fight to get it for one thing. Now I'll be 65 in 6 1/2 years and can collect SS for the jobs I worked from ages 16 - 34. At 34 I immediately quit working just because I became pregnant with our first baby! It was like I was hardwired to be a Stay-At-Home-Mom and it was triggered upon insemination! Then I was stricken with CFS at the young age of 41 and couldn't work if I wanted to. Anna and Bethany were only in kindergarten and preschool, so I wouldn't have worked anywhere but at home anyway being committed to being a full-time mom and loving it.

I'm proud and excited about my new plan born of self discipline, responsibility to my family. And also born of my love for my work: My book, and my Structured Water business. I believe in both wholeheartedly.

I love that since I work for myself I get to choose my own hours! Ain't no way I'm working four hours straight each day, I get to break it up as I please.

Wow, I feel so spoiled!

It Made My Stomach Turn When I Heard That Robin Williams Was Going To AA At The End

Well, here's the thing---I could write a book about being a drunk, the recovery movement, and sobriety. Being a former drunk myself, I served time in every sobriety organization created, but Alcoholics Anonymous had the biggest impact on me. It gets into your blood like a parasite that makes itself at home. It gets under your skin like a leech and doesn't let go. And it took me as long to deprogram from AAs brainwashing as it did for me to recover from boozing and binge drinking; years and years.

But why it hurt my soul for RW that his suicide followed his attendance at AA meetings? BECAUSE! Hundreds and hundreds of AAs commit suicide, that's why! I wanted to kill myself during the years I was an AA! They make you Dependent on them. They make you feel like there's something Wrong with you if you don't Grasp their "Simple Program"! And AA drives it into your subconscious that recovery without AA is "White Knuckling It!" And on and on I could go about how they did me, and MOST other people in it, more harm than good. Isn't their success rate between 2 - 5%? Yes, I believe that's all it is. I have done a lot of research and reading about AA, but it's been a few years.

I don't care HOW "good" of a cult they are, they are still a cult, and cults harm people. Some people are cut-out for cults and do well in AA. Free Thinkers do not belong in AA. I'm pretty sure, if memory serves, that the Courts deemed AA a religion. I don't recall who deemed it a cult---except for the thousands of people like me who experienced it first hand, that is! But if it's not a somewhat official label as well, it's certainly accepted as one by much of the population.

The truth is, but you won't hear about that in our AA-mentality culture---2/3 of people who quit addictions do it entirely on their own. 2/3!! I can quote you a source of that if you give me enough time to remember and look it up, but one of the sources was the main alcohol and drug recovery administration of the federal government. ...Forget the acronym. Don't feel like Googling it. Sorry.

Recovering from alcoholism is truly an inside job, and it's also great and helpful to have support; I really don't know how any of us could recover without certain support from loved ones, professionals, and more rational-minded recovery groups along the way. But the KEY here is that it is a VERY BAD IDEA to become DEPENDENT on ANYTHING or ANYONE OUTSIDE YOURSELF for your RECOVERY!! And THAT'S how come I FINALLY found MY Recovery; I'm FREE.

I have no need or desire to reflect on the positive things about AA, thank you. I don't know how much more I want to elaborate on the topic of AA in order to make my point. But there sure are a LOT of books published along these lines. And there are organizations like orange-papers.org, and morerevealed.com

I can't say if RWs suicide had anything to do with "the cult" or not, but like I said, it sure made my skin crawl tonight when I made this connection. 

I might write some more another time about how AA did me more harm than good, you know, more details and examples.

Thanks for letting me share!!!

RIP Robin Williams! Even in your very recent departure you are already helping people THINK and TALK and GROW!

Thoughts About Robin Williams' Death

 

As far as I know, I was the first on Facebook to bring up the thought that Rx meds contributed to, possibly even caused Robin Williams' suicide. Whether it be heart medications or antidepressants, or both. Yet, if that's true we'll never hear about it. They'll never admit it let alone talk about it. I know what those  drugs can do. I know Big Pharma's main interest is profit. I know Big Pharma knowingly pushes drugs that they know causes harm or even death, including suicide. I know western medicine is in their pocket. In my mind Robin was yet another victim of Big Pharma. In my mind Robin Williams was murdered. If I turn out to be wrong, I will be the first to admit it. 

On another note, it is not wrong to speak up about what you are thinking and feeling about a person who in part belonged to you too. Share what you think and feel; bring it into the Light where it can be transmuted from the darkness.

I'm Just So Joyous I Slept Through The Night Last Night!

I don't know about you in your life, but this is something I can't take for granted! And therefore I want to spend some time just lingering in the happy thoughts of it! Ohhhh if only I could cultivate it! If only I can recreate this experience again, and again, and again!!

With CFS insomnia is a huge problem, a crummy symptom. With CFS if you don't sleep at night you don't function the next day, like At All.

Last night I didn't wake up even a little bit all night long! That means I woke up happy and not nearly as exhausted. I never wake up well rested, but today made me at least able to imagine what that might be like!

Let's see, I turned off the TV and pc an hour before bed. And I read. Is that what did it? I've done that a lot though. Surely it helped though. I did yoga stretches last night. There was a very healing group meditation at The Unity Center yesterday morning. Was that the key? I'm becoming more and more hydrated from Structured Water. I know that helps a lot. I don't take any meds or sleep aids.

I dunno. And I have to get ready to go shopping at Whole Foods now with my daughter...

An Email I Just Sent To My FOO

Things feel absolutely perfect and on-track just the way they are between me and all of you, and I just wanted to let you know how I feel.

What works works, and for me it works to know you are there and in my life but separate.

This sounds funny when it's verbalized out loud!

Nonetheless, I'll try to say it anyway. I'm grateful that we are not completely estranged anymore like we were when I orphaned myself from you for 1 1/2 years before David got sick.

And I'm equally grateful that we are not connecting with each other on a regular basis and hardly at all; so it feels like we have space from each other.

It simply can't be any other way, can it.

So, I just want you to know that I'm content with our present reality. I already know you are; that no one misses me!

Don't know why fate had this outcome in store for us, but at least the way it is is working!

Love You Forever, Judy