2016 Update: I care more about this blog than I do that "they" can read it, otherwise I'd stop writing it and create a new one. As long as they finally leave me and my little family alone, there should be no problem, even though I requested that they don't read it. Since they have no interest in my writing, I'm probably safe. I hope so hard they will finally respect our wishes of no contact. I care so much about telling the truth and bringing healing. I fought my entire life to bring communication, truth, and healing to my FOO. There's nothing left to fight for so I have given up, at age 59. I can now only bring healing to myself and other survivors through my words. I finally went back to work on my heart-wrenching memoir that I wrote in 2012 that I originally wrote for them as my last Hope of getting my beloved family of origin and relatives back. But, There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See

Sunday, December 7, 2014

I Don't Know How To Consistently Love Myself As A Fat Woman; And I Hope Publishing This Helps Me

It's not my fault I'm fat. I don't deserve to be fat. I see fat women sucking down Big Gulps and I think to myself they deserve to be fat. But I don't. I don't eat junk food. I eat health food. I don't overeat. I eat normally. I'm not a puritan though; I allow treats on holidays and stuff.

I look horrible in my clothes. It really gets me down. I look disgusting naked. It kills me.

No matter what foods I cut-out or how long I limit calories, I remain fat.

I don't want to be fat. I don't like myself fat because it's not who I am.

I'm all about health and healing don'tcha know.

I don't know how to make peace with and love my fatness that is caused by illnesses.

I want to feel pretty in my clothes.

I want the outer me to reflect the inner me. The inner me is beyond words Wonderful and getting Wonderfuller.

I will never find love as long as I'm FAT.

I'm doomed to be alone and fat for the rest of my life?

How do I live with that?



I want to learn how to love my fatness and my body as it is. I want to surrender. I want to embrace myself the way I am. Not just some of the time as I do, but all the time. I'm sick and tired of feeling bad about my looks. I really am.

My health IS healing. WHY isn't my fat melting off in the process??

20 EXTRA POUNDS IS A LOT ON ME! I need to throw out all my short-sleeve shirts!!!

I need a Fairy Godmother to make me fit and trim...

You know who has the perfect body? Kate Winslet. She's womanly and not skinny and not fat.
Then there are amazing women thinkers and leaders and teachers like Jean Houston who is my size and seems completely at peace with her body; seems to adore her body and self.



Maybe I'm being a little hard on myself, but I think the fatness really shows in the following pictures from last Thanksgiving because I didn't FEEL that big until I saw the pictures with my thin family!



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