Thursday, April 30, 2015
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Maybe I'll Send This In An Email To My FOO
All I want to do is give them love. "More Love Not Less!"
I Am Sadness; Sadness I Am
And I Am Loneliness; Loneliness I Am.
Oh Why o Why did I set myself up for this again??!! Please Tell Me, someone! (rhetorical)
Why didn't I stay the happier orphan that I was?? I was achieving real peace and contentment as a FOO-less woman. I was free from being abused and neglected by my family of origin. I was able to not feel as much how they withhold their love from me. Like they have for as long as I can remember. It was always a rotation, a steady rotation of them showing me their love then withholding their love. The emphasis was on the withholding which always happened more than the showing.
I look at my college daughters and I learn what it's like to have a steady, uninterrupted flow of love; love was never withheld for them or from them. That's how I know that kind of love exists for me. My FOO doesn't withhold love from one another, but for some reason they can't see that they do that to me.
I'm smart, and I know nothing is going to change in this lifetime... yet at the same time I'm dumb because I did actually expect things to feel differently this time on account of my successfully resolving our soul contracts. Clearly, I am uneducated about what that means and how it would look and feel.
Or, maybe I'm mistaken about them being resolved??
Oh Why o Why did I set myself up for this again??!! Please Tell Me, someone! (rhetorical)
Why didn't I stay the happier orphan that I was?? I was achieving real peace and contentment as a FOO-less woman. I was free from being abused and neglected by my family of origin. I was able to not feel as much how they withhold their love from me. Like they have for as long as I can remember. It was always a rotation, a steady rotation of them showing me their love then withholding their love. The emphasis was on the withholding which always happened more than the showing.
I look at my college daughters and I learn what it's like to have a steady, uninterrupted flow of love; love was never withheld for them or from them. That's how I know that kind of love exists for me. My FOO doesn't withhold love from one another, but for some reason they can't see that they do that to me.
I'm smart, and I know nothing is going to change in this lifetime... yet at the same time I'm dumb because I did actually expect things to feel differently this time on account of my successfully resolving our soul contracts. Clearly, I am uneducated about what that means and how it would look and feel.
Or, maybe I'm mistaken about them being resolved??
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Must I Become A Secret Orphan?
"I think I'm going to be sad, I think it's today." I am hoping writing about it will help me to feel better. I fear I am more lonely now that I've gotten my family of origin back than I was as an orphan. Isn't that SAD?! I know they love me and are glad I've returned to the family because they told me so and I could feel that truth.
But then why, in two weeks, haven't any of them contacted me? With the exception of a phone call from my mom about a week ago; but she has been ignoring almost all of my emails and text messages; they all have; mother, sister, and brother. And my words and intent have been Pure Love, as well as Profound in many respects.
They Are Withholding Their Love For Me. WHY? Is it because it's always been this way and things will never change? Even though I have? (changed) I absolutely can't try to talk to any of them about it, or ask why, or tell them how hurt I feel. It's just not allowed. I have to shut up and take it. And make sure they never know. My new MO is "More Love Not Less!" We all deserve more love not less! If they can't or won't give it to me, I will continue to give it to myself, and to them whenever I can. But for now, I need to be a Secret Orphan. I'm certain they won't notice that they don't hear from me; probably not for quite a while.
Perhaps they don't trust me. Perhaps they wish I would pretend the abuse never happened. Perhaps they don't want me to tell my story, even though it now gets the happy ending I have always wanted, and will bring healing to many.
Guessing and wondering is all I can do. If only they knew how much I love them, need them, and miss them. If only they knew how much a little bit of their time and attention would mean to me. They are all up in Washington, and I am here in southern California.
I don't know if this challenge is happening to further strengthen me and train me as a light worker, but I can certainly choose to look at it that way. I choose to take the high road and just give them space; they apparently need it. I choose, for once in my life, not to try to communicate with them about any possible issues or feelings. That's not the way I roll, but it's the way they roll.
But then why, in two weeks, haven't any of them contacted me? With the exception of a phone call from my mom about a week ago; but she has been ignoring almost all of my emails and text messages; they all have; mother, sister, and brother. And my words and intent have been Pure Love, as well as Profound in many respects.
They Are Withholding Their Love For Me. WHY? Is it because it's always been this way and things will never change? Even though I have? (changed) I absolutely can't try to talk to any of them about it, or ask why, or tell them how hurt I feel. It's just not allowed. I have to shut up and take it. And make sure they never know. My new MO is "More Love Not Less!" We all deserve more love not less! If they can't or won't give it to me, I will continue to give it to myself, and to them whenever I can. But for now, I need to be a Secret Orphan. I'm certain they won't notice that they don't hear from me; probably not for quite a while.
Perhaps they don't trust me. Perhaps they wish I would pretend the abuse never happened. Perhaps they don't want me to tell my story, even though it now gets the happy ending I have always wanted, and will bring healing to many.
Guessing and wondering is all I can do. If only they knew how much I love them, need them, and miss them. If only they knew how much a little bit of their time and attention would mean to me. They are all up in Washington, and I am here in southern California.
I don't know if this challenge is happening to further strengthen me and train me as a light worker, but I can certainly choose to look at it that way. I choose to take the high road and just give them space; they apparently need it. I choose, for once in my life, not to try to communicate with them about any possible issues or feelings. That's not the way I roll, but it's the way they roll.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Honesty And Transparency. And The Power Of Intention.
Lightworker (in training) that I now know myself to be requires me to be Honest. Especially with myself.
I've been drinking quite a bit this year, it's taking a toll on my body and being, and I am wanting and needing to stop. I'm having a lot of resistance to stopping, but nonetheless, the time is now.
In 2012 I was alcohol-free. In 2013 and 2014 I successfully drank sporadically and sparingly. In 2015 I'm going through a drinking phase for some reason. True: because of this I got my FOO back; so there was clearly a positive, giant, miraculous Gift in my drinking; and if I hadn't been drinking that night, Monday 4/13/15, I never would have called my mother and my sister (thus breaking my orphaning myself last year). That fact alone makes my ego question why give up something that created a Miracle---the biggest miracle EVER as a matter of fact!
But my BODY knows better. My body knows drinking is not good for it... no matter how much Structured Water I drink!
Both my body and my mind, and certainly my heart, knows that what I need is More Love. To let Love replace booze. For me, drinking is of the ego. And as a writer, and as a born Acton, drinking is important. But it's up to me to give my ego Love instead of white tequila or Guinness Draught or Wilson Creek Almond Champagne.
I LOVE being a Sobrietist though. I have always loved it more than being a drinker. I have lots of years of sobriety off and on.
Lately, drinking has been giving me bad diarrhea, and also, my thyroid numbers are worse.
On a positive note, medical cannabis is my friend. It's helpful, healing, and often fun. It's under my control now and always. It's easy to use it sporadically and sparingly. But sometimes using it makes me want to drink; like a trigger; so I have to be careful.
I no longer see myself as an alcoholic and know it was an erroneous label placed on me by AA all those decades ago. I know I'm not an alcoholic, and I know that there's probably no such thing as addiction either; not when you listen to spiritual teacher, Matt Kahn, talk about it. I need to immerse myself in his knowledge about this. Lighworkers on the path always lose interest, naturally, on using substances that are not in harmony with their bodies and their spiritual paths.
He says that with our Intentions we give new meaning to things and therefore unwanted behaviors stop on their own!
It's not about control.
I decide the quality of my experience by deciding what my actions mean.
I'm waking up so fast, and evolving so fast spiritually, my ego is freaking out.
From Matt Kahn:
Instead of trying to change anything in your life, ...
The more ashamed you are of something, the more you reach for it for a false level of comfort.
"May every time I <drink>, may all beings be liberated from their personal prisons."
It raises your vibration so you soon no longer resonate with <drinking>.
It's not about getting your shit together and kicking the habit, it's your giving such powerful meaning to the things you're embarrassed to admit that you do, it's going to purge it out of your field on your behalf!
It's not about, "oh my god! there's that choice! I can't do that!" That's nonsense! When you're done with something, you don't resonate with it. It could be right in your face and: "No thank you!"
You're playing it out right now, but up ahead you're not going to be doing this <drinking>, = what your intuition knows.
What most beings try to do is they try to stop doing <drinking> at the wrong chapter. Instead, start setting really radical intentions every time you do it, and you're one step closer to being out of resonance with it.
Otherwise, you're going to hate yourself for the things you can't stop doing.
And this thing of "people must be addicted to things because they keep going back to it." That's not addiction. You know what that is? That's the soul saying, "You have a soul contract and you're going to keep playing out this self-destructive habit because it's actually helping you unravel your spiritual judgments." So, "My God, why am I doing this?! This is not who I'm supposed to be!" And what will get you out of that hellish loop is, "Well, if I'm going to do this atrocious activity, let me set positive Intentions to it."
"Oh, it's time to <drink> again. Every time I do this may _______________." Like, "May all beings be liberated from their personal prisons." or truly radical ones, "May human trafficking stop!"
You can take Intention as deep as you want to go.
Despicable behavior manifested to show you what you can so radically eradicate. The Power Is Yours.
It's not about beating yourself up for how often you forget this. It's about how often you remember to return to Intention. "May every time I forget to set an intention, all beings be free."
I've been drinking quite a bit this year, it's taking a toll on my body and being, and I am wanting and needing to stop. I'm having a lot of resistance to stopping, but nonetheless, the time is now.
In 2012 I was alcohol-free. In 2013 and 2014 I successfully drank sporadically and sparingly. In 2015 I'm going through a drinking phase for some reason. True: because of this I got my FOO back; so there was clearly a positive, giant, miraculous Gift in my drinking; and if I hadn't been drinking that night, Monday 4/13/15, I never would have called my mother and my sister (thus breaking my orphaning myself last year). That fact alone makes my ego question why give up something that created a Miracle---the biggest miracle EVER as a matter of fact!
But my BODY knows better. My body knows drinking is not good for it... no matter how much Structured Water I drink!
Both my body and my mind, and certainly my heart, knows that what I need is More Love. To let Love replace booze. For me, drinking is of the ego. And as a writer, and as a born Acton, drinking is important. But it's up to me to give my ego Love instead of white tequila or Guinness Draught or Wilson Creek Almond Champagne.
I LOVE being a Sobrietist though. I have always loved it more than being a drinker. I have lots of years of sobriety off and on.
Lately, drinking has been giving me bad diarrhea, and also, my thyroid numbers are worse.
On a positive note, medical cannabis is my friend. It's helpful, healing, and often fun. It's under my control now and always. It's easy to use it sporadically and sparingly. But sometimes using it makes me want to drink; like a trigger; so I have to be careful.
I no longer see myself as an alcoholic and know it was an erroneous label placed on me by AA all those decades ago. I know I'm not an alcoholic, and I know that there's probably no such thing as addiction either; not when you listen to spiritual teacher, Matt Kahn, talk about it. I need to immerse myself in his knowledge about this. Lighworkers on the path always lose interest, naturally, on using substances that are not in harmony with their bodies and their spiritual paths.
He says that with our Intentions we give new meaning to things and therefore unwanted behaviors stop on their own!
It's not about control.
I decide the quality of my experience by deciding what my actions mean.
I'm waking up so fast, and evolving so fast spiritually, my ego is freaking out.
From Matt Kahn:
Instead of trying to change anything in your life, ...
The more ashamed you are of something, the more you reach for it for a false level of comfort.
"May every time I <drink>, may all beings be liberated from their personal prisons."
It raises your vibration so you soon no longer resonate with <drinking>.
It's not about getting your shit together and kicking the habit, it's your giving such powerful meaning to the things you're embarrassed to admit that you do, it's going to purge it out of your field on your behalf!
It's not about, "oh my god! there's that choice! I can't do that!" That's nonsense! When you're done with something, you don't resonate with it. It could be right in your face and: "No thank you!"
You're playing it out right now, but up ahead you're not going to be doing this <drinking>, = what your intuition knows.
What most beings try to do is they try to stop doing <drinking> at the wrong chapter. Instead, start setting really radical intentions every time you do it, and you're one step closer to being out of resonance with it.
Otherwise, you're going to hate yourself for the things you can't stop doing.
And this thing of "people must be addicted to things because they keep going back to it." That's not addiction. You know what that is? That's the soul saying, "You have a soul contract and you're going to keep playing out this self-destructive habit because it's actually helping you unravel your spiritual judgments." So, "My God, why am I doing this?! This is not who I'm supposed to be!" And what will get you out of that hellish loop is, "Well, if I'm going to do this atrocious activity, let me set positive Intentions to it."
"Oh, it's time to <drink> again. Every time I do this may _______________." Like, "May all beings be liberated from their personal prisons." or truly radical ones, "May human trafficking stop!"
You can take Intention as deep as you want to go.
Despicable behavior manifested to show you what you can so radically eradicate. The Power Is Yours.
It's not about beating yourself up for how often you forget this. It's about how often you remember to return to Intention. "May every time I forget to set an intention, all beings be free."
I Guess My Simple Life Is Complicated When It Comes To Romantic Love
Things haven't been the way I have wanted them to be for a really long time. Things have been confusing, so confusing. It's super difficult to write about. I don't know what to say because I don't even know what to think.
I love my husband with all my being. We have been happily separated for over a decade. The first part of the separation was while we were still living together, so that was not the happy separation part. Both of us think we can't be happy as a traditional married couple. But that still breaks my heart. I still wish it could be otherwise. It's those irreconcilable differences that get you, ya know? And for us, sexual incompatibility as well.
Then there's my long-distance friendship with my star-crossed lover whom I'll very probably never see again, and haven't seen for 10 years. How we've managed to stay friends and talk on the phone almost every week is beyond me, but I'm so grateful for it; and it must be a testament to our very true and strong bond.
I love both these men with everything in me.
I often wish I had a lover though, but it doesn't feel right to me to take a lover. Very grateful for masturbation. I'm also very grateful that this aloneness has brought me into more Self Love, and deep self awareness.
As much as I love and miss sex with a man, sex without love is something I haven't done since my 20s and I'll never do again. Been there done that, type thing.
...to be continued...
I love my husband with all my being. We have been happily separated for over a decade. The first part of the separation was while we were still living together, so that was not the happy separation part. Both of us think we can't be happy as a traditional married couple. But that still breaks my heart. I still wish it could be otherwise. It's those irreconcilable differences that get you, ya know? And for us, sexual incompatibility as well.
Then there's my long-distance friendship with my star-crossed lover whom I'll very probably never see again, and haven't seen for 10 years. How we've managed to stay friends and talk on the phone almost every week is beyond me, but I'm so grateful for it; and it must be a testament to our very true and strong bond.
I love both these men with everything in me.
I often wish I had a lover though, but it doesn't feel right to me to take a lover. Very grateful for masturbation. I'm also very grateful that this aloneness has brought me into more Self Love, and deep self awareness.
As much as I love and miss sex with a man, sex without love is something I haven't done since my 20s and I'll never do again. Been there done that, type thing.
...to be continued...
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
My Working Title and Cover Page (It's FUNNY!! :))
PK Pariah
Gets Her FOO* Back
A Memoir
A Preacher's Kid Who Spoke Up About Incest And Emotional
Abuse With Further Consequences And The Journey Of Healing
By
Judith Acton
Ayala
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