Things haven't been the way I have wanted them to be for a really long time. Things have been confusing, so confusing. It's super difficult to write about. I don't know what to say because I don't even know what to think.
I love my husband with all my being. We have been happily separated for over a decade. The first part of the separation was while we were still living together, so that was not the happy separation part. Both of us think we can't be happy as a traditional married couple. But that still breaks my heart. I still wish it could be otherwise. It's those irreconcilable differences that get you, ya know? And for us, sexual incompatibility as well.
Then there's my long-distance friendship with my star-crossed lover whom I'll very probably never see again, and haven't seen for 10 years. How we've managed to stay friends and talk on the phone almost every week is beyond me, but I'm so grateful for it; and it must be a testament to our very true and strong bond.
I love both these men with everything in me.
I often wish I had a lover though, but it doesn't feel right to me to take a lover. Very grateful for masturbation. I'm also very grateful that this aloneness has brought me into more Self Love, and deep self awareness.
As much as I love and miss sex with a man, sex without love is something I haven't done since my 20s and I'll never do again. Been there done that, type thing.
...to be continued...
