Let me just start with this picture that says it all. It's my PROOF Pic of my mother's truest feelings for me.
Scanning the photo into the pc diminished her facial expression and frown of disappointment and contempt. This was taken years ago at her 75th birthday surprise party. I was the surprise. Or should I say shock. This is the look on her face the moment she saw me. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of years. My family and I drove up from San Diego to Las Vegas, per my sister's invite, where my FOO had flown to from Washington to celebrate. That expression lasted for only a second, then she switched to being all fake smiles. In other words, her true feelings were revealed involuntarily. I'm so grateful to God for allowing me to capture the truth of that moment on a little disposable Kodak camera. After a lifetime I finally have some validation, or PROOF of my mother's feelings about me. No one in my FOO has seen this picture. But you know what? Even if they had they still would not see the truth.
That is not a face that is happy to see me. But to this day, I am the only one in my FOO who can see--who knows--that my mother doesn't like me. I don't even think she loves me. She says she does, of course. She's always said she does. It's been a great source of confusion and crazy-making for me.
Last Night
The phone rang. Caller ID said it was my mother. She never calls me except when there is a random crisis in the family or something. I was in a zen-like state of mind at the time, which happens to be my new normal state of mind, and my heart felt full of love and there was not a moment's hesitation to answer her call. No matter how much time passes, or how much hurt lives on, she's still my mother whom I love with all my heart and soul. It's instinctual, it's in my DNA, to be there for her.
The phone call started out with great pleasantries and mutual affection was felt. She asked me how I was, I said good! and she said she was good too! Clearly, recent widowhood agrees with her. She didn't ask me about me at all, she talked about her life. That's completely the norm. All I can do is intently listen when my mother talks because she won't let me get a word in edgewise. So I listened last night to her telling me how she only lives in the Now and that she has been thinking about something. And she told me that she thinks about me every day, which surprised me.
I perked up with hope because it felt like she was about to say something personal and beautiful and transcendent to me about how she didn't want to live her Now without me anymore, and that then she would go on to describe an idea she had about how we could be in each others lives. Or something along those lines. I myself had been pondering her recent words to me over the past several months about how she only wants to live in the Now... but huh? I'm not in her life so I guess she's very happy about that, I guess that's the way she wants her Now to be.
But then, on the phone, she surprised me last night by telling me that she wanted to fly my girls up for Christmas so she could take all her grand kids out to a show for one last time. The tradition for my mother and her grand kids (they all lived in Washington) that are not my kids was to take them to a show every year. In 2010 was the first year my kids were included in that tradition, and my mother flew them up to Washington. I'll have to ask my girls what Broadway musical it was because I have forgotten.
So my mom elaborated about her big brilliant plan to me on the phone and I listened. She wanted the cousins to get reacquainted with each other as adults; my girls have not been in the loop ever. There's their four cousins, two sets of siblings, who are close, and then there are my two daughters who have always been very separate from them. When Anna and Bethany went up there that year they all had a marvelous time. It made me very happy to allow them to do that despite the estrangement between me and my FOO. I raised my girls to love their family and to be a part of them. I thought it was the right thing to do. My girls love them and they love my girls.
But as my mother kept unfolding her idea to me last night, I felt smaller and smaller, and my heart sunk a bit in disappointment that my mother wasn't acknowledging me or being sensitive to the real situation at hand. The real situation at hand is complex and convoluted and is of a very sensitive nature. And the bigger part of me was listening with an open heart and an open mind, only wanting love for my daughters and my FOO, only wanting love and reunion for them.
Mom wants to pay to fly my girls up to see a Broadway musical with her and the girls' four cousins, and probably my sister, who is involved with everything. And then my brother and his wife, and all the rest of the clan will probably all go to dinner together. At the end of her speech my mother said that I could come too if I paid my own way. She knows that can't happen financially. But the truth is, we really need to leave my presence out of this equation because I am still an orphan. The sad reality is that I still have to orphan myself from my FOO in order to save my life and my sanity. But the bigger truth is that they orphaned me decades ago.
When mom was done with her proclamation she asked me what I thought about her plan. I took a deep breath and said very honestly, "I don't know" That this was a bit of a shock. She asked me what I thought the girls would say, and again I gave a thoughtful, "I don't know." I could tell my mother didn't like that answer. I'm supposed to jump up and down in excitement and squeal how happy and grateful I am and that of course she can do this for the girls! But again, the truth is it was perfectly logical and healthy for me to not know and need some time to figure it out.
So then mom asked me to explain what I was thinking. Another deep breath. I gingerly started to say that I love the idea of a reunion for all the cousins and that it would bring healing to the present situation of my brother's girls shunning all of us. .....OOOPS, even though I said it with such sincere love and caring my mother IMMEDIATELY cut me off and YELLED at me in that way too familiar overused tone of contempt for me I've heard my whole life. She acted like I had said something totally out of the blue and unwarranted (which isn't true and I'll explain in a moment), that I was being cruel and attacking, that I was lying, that I was a horrible person, that I was crazy... I could go on and on how deep this goes and all the layers to it. She wouldn't let me talk or explain. She yelled at me that, "I'm not going to do this with you, Judy!" Meaning, to her, I was making shit up out of the blue with the purpose of unfoundedly attacking my family with false accusations. In other words, she thinks the very worst of me and I'm too evil to even be heard.
I was DYING inside. My heart and soul being ripped-out for the millionth time by her. I really don't have the language to describe what it was like and how she was being. It was SO AWFUL and INSANE.
The conversation was over at that point, there could be no recovery now. No matter how slowly I breathed and how calmly I spoke, I could hardly get a word in between her screeching at me, I could not calm her down. I tried in vain to ask her to please let me talk, that she asked me to talk, that I am a good person with a good mind, that my intentions are of love... and the whole thing escalated out of control. I am no match for her degree of crazy. The ONLY way out for me was to hold the phone at arms length and SCREAM a Primal Scream. I had no choice. She drove me to it. She was crazy and she made me insane. It was the way she raised me too.
She hung up on me then. I knew she would tell the family that "Judy is totally mentally ill now!" And they will believe her! I was so emotionally disturbed at that time that I continued to VENT it all out with a few more of the loudest and primalest screams I had in me. I didn't even care that I wouldn't grab a pillow to scream in. I didn't even care that my windows were open and the neighbors could hear me. Anna and Bethany were home to witness the entire thing via hearing distance. Maybe a neighbor would call the cops thinking someone was being accosted, I didn't care, I'd explain to the men in blue what happened and they'd believe me! No cops would come; good. In that moment I FELT insane! But I knew I wasn't, I knew I was healing myself in the moment the only way I knew how to. Like a Godsend, Richard had just come over to pick up the pieces that were left of my shaking body and psyche.
The story of my feeling shunned by Kristen and Lauren, my brother David's daughters, is actually a rather poignant story in a way. And in my eyes those young ladies are innocent in it all.
I've only been on Facebook for a few months. Most of my relatives there, whom have not been in my life either at all or for a couple of years since I orphaned myself, accepted my Friend Requests, and we had been harmoniously connected via Liking or Commenting on each others posts. It was really awesome! It filled me with so much hope of reconciliation and reunion. It was a safe way to be in each others lives because it was casual, surface level, and positive. The one on Facebook who would not friend me was Karen, my sister. Others, like my mother, my brother, a couple cousins, Friended me but don't participate on Facebook. Several other cousins do, and so did Sean and Candice, my sister's kids; we Liked and Commented on each other.
Kristin and Lauren have not Liked or Commented on one single post of mine or comment to them on their posts, or to my tagging them. That was a bitter pill to swallow for me. As adults I had no idea they had negative feelings about me? I chocked it up to what their parents and their Grammy (my mom) must have taught them to think about me... and that hurt a lot. I had always thought things were always cool between me and all the kids. I ADORE each and every one of them and thought they have always known that. I have felt that they really adored me too. There was no reason for this not to still be true even with the distance, because our relationships have always been loving and kind, and I always kept them out of the drama between me and my FOO. Remember, I am an incest survivor and an emotional abuse survivor. Who has worked tirelessly and unsuccessfully to bring healing and forgiveness.
But what took the cake? When I Private Messaged the four of them that Anna, their beloved cousin, was graduating from junior college and was headed to SDSU in the fall, and I asked them to please give Anna a 'shout out' text message on her phone, and I gave them her number! I STILL can't comprehend why only Sean texted her a Congratulations! It shook me to my core pretty much, and it broke my heart for my innocent and sweet daughter who has always looked up to and admired and loves her cousins! I decided to be pro-active.
First I acknowledged Sean by Private Messaging him, Candice, Kristin, and Lauren:
"Thanks for your love to Anna, Sean, it put a smile on her face ~smiley face~ I don't think she heard from anyone else here. Sorry to have bothered you?"
And maybe the next day or so I Private Messaged them this:
"May I share my thoughts with you? ~heart~ You guys need to remember that Anna and Bethany came along late in the game because they were born many years after you all ~smiley face~. They always loved you and looked up to you ~smiley face~. You have to remember that a reason they are not more present in your lives is because they were never brought into your circle by you. What was needed was for you to have reached out to them as they were growing up and welcomed them in. But they were rarely contacted by you. I have to believe this has everything to do with the strained relationships between my FOO (family of origin) and me. It's a shame the innocent girls had to pay a price for that. Maybe one day it will all make sense for all concerned. I really hope and pray that one day I can help with that, and be a catalyst for healing and forgiveness. I love you all very much! ~heart~ I'm very sorry things turned out the way they did between me and everyone, but it truly couldn't have been helped. I know we are all very good people though! ~smiley face~"
They all saw it but none replied, and that's OK, and that's what I expected. I don't think I worded it very well. I was very nervous and scared to try to talk to them like that. It was a first.
Because I can never give up hope that my mother will ever change and start to include me in the loop in the family, I decided to set an example and kept her in the loop and sent her an email explaining the whole story. This was what I said in the beginning of the email:
"Mom, In the spirit and desire for open communication between all in order to bring reunion between all (unless it really is too late), I keep you in the loop and hope you will do the same for me. I'm braced for this to come back and bite me though. But I was put here to be the one to try to talk about what is real. It's a Very Lonely position to be in. I pray so hard you recognize how much I love and respect you as my only reason for opening up to you here. Yesterday I sent this to my nieces and nephew via a Private Message at Facebook:"
And that was that. No reply from mom, of course. Three months later last night happened. I mean,
she couldn't listen to her daughter with compassion and help bring light and
healing to the matter last night? Where I was going, if she'd have let me, was to simply
acknowledge the present situation and shine my gratitude on what this get
together would do for everyone! But now, because of her own undiagnosed mental illness, the experience is lost forever.
I MADE THE DECISION OUT OF SELF LOVE NOT TO TAKE CALLS FROM MY FOO EVER AGAIN. I AM ALLOWED TO MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR MYSELF.
You know what? Since writing this out I'm actually NOT in a CFS-Crash like all the times before, and I'm NOT having PTSD either! I feel sad and traumatized, but I feel whole, grounded, and strong even more-so!
This means I truly am growing, evolving, healing, and changing. This means I AM in Self Love.
