And here: Thought I Would Try To Reach Out To My Brother
I wanted to do a kindness for my nephew and nieces to let them know that my girls' decision not to go up to see them and their Grammy this Christmas has nothing at all to do with them. So I private messaged them on Facebook:
Dear Sean, Candice, Kristin, and Lauren ~ I just want you to know that your cousins, Anna and Bethany, think the world of you. We all do. We know you all are innocent regarding the unfortunate toxic discord in my FOO (family of origin). That is, they are very aware that they will be able to form relationships with you all on their own, and that's what they intend on doing as they progress in life! I don't know when or how that will unfold, but I hope it's soon! They are always here for you, please know that. I know they'd love to hear from you anytime! You would like them; they are awesome people! Them missing the gathering this Christmastime is no reflection on you guys, and I just wanted to let you know that! Much love, Aunt Judy
To my surprise Candice and Lauren pm'd back:
Thanks for this message. I can see that your heart is for us and for your kids. I can feel the love. Still it makes me sad whenever you talk about your FOO...
Aunt Judy, us cousins, all 6 of us, are innocent in this battle. But I cannot help my heart when it feels so utterly offended that your disregard of your FOO is my Father, the most important man in my life, and my Grammy, a woman who has brought so much love and happiness to my soul and is now my only living grandparent. This is a conversation I am not prepared to embark in. You, Anna, and Bethany are blood. I don't forget that. Even if communication is not frequent I do not forget that. It’s a family love that does not need to always be spoken with words. And it’s a family dynamic that is long distance. I just saw some cousins from my Mom’s side I had not seen since I was 16 years old. There was no resentment. No hard feelings. Just the sheer joy of catching up in each others' lives. I cannot be a part of whatever family battle you are so fiercely fighting. With that, I send this message with best intentions. We will miss the girls at the Christmas play. I wish they could come so we could all spend time together. I will be making it over from Hawaii and Kristin over from Mississippi.
And I did too:
I'm very relieved that you understand that Anna and Bethany's decision not to go to Washington had nothing to do with you. And I hope you understand that we all know your innocence in absolutely everything. You all are precious angels; beautiful, precious angels who deserve only love and joy. Over the years as children and young teens, I never ever brought any of you or my girls into the drama and crisis I have with my FOO, I protected all the children from it. And despite that drama and my estrangements from my FOO, I always made sure that my girls were part of their family who loves them and whom they love.
You are adults now. I do not feel I have to protect you from the truth or hide it from anybody, because that doesn't help a single soul. As an incest survivor and emotional abuse survivor who's FOO has refused time and time again to acknowledge, let alone support me, it has been terribly, terribly lonely and painful and difficult for me finding that balance of allowing my girls to have their family, while at the same time honoring my boundaries.
I have no intention of bringing you into the drama now. I simply reached out on behalf of my beloved daughters and that required telling you the truth. But, dear souls, I have been silenced and censored my entire life and I won't be silenced ever again. Period. The truth has been buried, and erroneous things have been spread about me among the family my whole life. I love my FOO more than anything and I have a huge heart that only ever wanted truth, forgiveness, healing, and reunion. My many, many, many efforts to bring healing to my FOO and me through trying to have open communication have permanently failed. I only hope to help and inspire other survivors to break the silence of their devastating secrets. I have learned that not only does The Truth Set You Free, but it is what has slowly healed my traumatized psyche and my life.
I won't be contacting you again about this sensitive stuff, but please know that I am always here for you. And also please know that the truth is that there are truly No Bad Guys in our family; only unconsciousness and hearts in need of love. I know the six of you cousins will have a very happy, drama-free, present, healthy, fun, harmonious connection together. It won't be tainted by any of this. That's all I can ask for!
My daughters, of course, are hurting over everything, but they understand everything too and they feel they made the right decision. I'm going to make it up to them as best I can by taking them to a play at Christmas! The four of us are going to see A Christmas Carol, and I got second row center seats!
It's heartbreakingly clear that I am a total orphan for life and that my relatives blame me and think I am the one who hurt my FOO (without cause), not the other way around.
What a kick in the teeth, eh?
