2016 Update: I care more about this blog than I do that "they" can read it, otherwise I'd stop writing it and create a new one. As long as they finally leave me and my little family alone, there should be no problem, even though I requested that they don't read it. Since they have no interest in my writing, I'm probably safe. I hope so hard they will finally respect our wishes of no contact. I care so much about telling the truth and bringing healing. I fought my entire life to bring communication, truth, and healing to my FOO. There's nothing left to fight for so I have given up, at age 59. I can now only bring healing to myself and other survivors through my words. I finally went back to work on my heart-wrenching memoir that I wrote in 2012 that I originally wrote for them as my last Hope of getting my beloved family of origin and relatives back. But, There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See

Monday, October 20, 2014

Just Need To Sort Some Things Out In My Head

I don't think anyone reads my blog anyway, so I'm writing it for me like a journal. Nothing wrong with that, and it's comforting for me. Not to mention that I see it as writing practice. I'm not writing my book lately, I'm stuck, I'm trying to process some recent hurtful events from my foo+ (family of origin and relatives). It's one thing that my nephew, Sean, unfriended me on Facebook, I discovered the other day. That was out of the blue and hurt like hell. I adore him and I thought he felt the same about me. I guess my foo got to him. But it's another thing entirely that my mother didn't acknowledge Bethany's birthday. It's shocking, unfathomable, unforgivable? There's no one in my foo+ I can talk to about this either.*

 My mother's love for me has always been Conditional love, but I never ever thought even she was capable of having anything but Unconditional love for her granddaughters. She's never missed a birthday. Since Anna and Bethany were born she's sent cards and gifts or money. Anna's 22nd birthday was in April, and right on time as usual, a card and 50 bucks arrived in the mail. 

 So, why do I surmise that Bethany's beloved Grammy shunned her? Simply because my girls declined their Grammy's invitation to fly them up at Christmas to see a show with their Grammy and her six grand-kids. Is that sick and sad or what?! I didn't know that my mother was capable of sinking this low. I do know that she's not capable of ever asking herself the question, "What might I have done to make them feel this way?", and that maybe her granddaughter's have an important life lesson for her. And that maybe she should stop and look at herself and how she's been treating their mother all her life.

 But no, all that is going on is my foo+'s continuing and growing dislike of me, and blame of me. And now it's affecting my innocent daughters.

 I have to keep going back to saying the prayer of Radical Forgiveness that I learned from Matt Kahn.
I have to keep saying out loud, and I've shared this with Anna and Bethany too, 

 I allow the soul of Fay Roberts to be pardoned and set free now as I Am. And so it is.
Or,
I allow the soul of Mom to be pardoned and set free now as I Am. And so it is.

 And the girls can say it using "Grammy" in it.

It has to be right to write this, and even post it, because my depression has lifted in doing so. I need to stop trying to protect people who have never protected me. I need to keep using my voice and speaking my truth. All I have EVER asked for and wanted is communication, truth, forgiveness, and healing.

*A "long lost" cousin, the sole soul in my entire foo+ to ever show me support, has shown me support since I joined Facebook (she is so brave!), and that and she is a miracle! I won't approach her about these latest events out of respect to her. But I know if she knew about them, she would care deeply.



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