2016 Update: I care more about this blog than I do that "they" can read it, otherwise I'd stop writing it and create a new one. As long as they finally leave me and my little family alone, there should be no problem, even though I requested that they don't read it. Since they have no interest in my writing, I'm probably safe. I hope so hard they will finally respect our wishes of no contact. I care so much about telling the truth and bringing healing. I fought my entire life to bring communication, truth, and healing to my FOO. There's nothing left to fight for so I have given up, at age 59. I can now only bring healing to myself and other survivors through my words. I finally went back to work on my heart-wrenching memoir that I wrote in 2012 that I originally wrote for them as my last Hope of getting my beloved family of origin and relatives back. But, There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See

Thursday, October 23, 2014

This Is Taking Its Toll, But I'm On The Right Track And Will Shine In The End

GOD am I depressed this morning!
The weight of everything sinking in and pressing down on me.
Processing everything my psychologist said to me last night. She is so wonderful.
Feeling the tragic heartbreak over not having a foo+ (family of origin and relatives). 
Saying those harsh (but true) things to my beloved brother and mother yesterday (posts below).
Having to figure out whether or not to ask my daughters to estrange themselves from my foo (my core family only)....
I've always protected them from the drama before and I never brought them into it before, and Emily (therapist) thinks I'll regret it if I bring them into it now (girls are 20s).
The four of us Ayalas are having a very important Family Pow Wow Sunday to discuss everything.
We always really listen to one another, and care about each others' feelings and perspectives, and honor them.
We'll figure it out.
But I don't think I can ENDURE seeing "them" interact with Bethany on Facebook anymore!
And I don't think I can HANDLE seeing gifts and cards to my daughters arriving in the mail from "them" anymore!
And I think I DESERVE peace and freedom after 57and3/4 years of "torture" at the hands of my foo.
Emily thinks I CAN endure it and handle it and that I should...

LOST

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