2016 Update: I care more about this blog than I do that "they" can read it, otherwise I'd stop writing it and create a new one. As long as they finally leave me and my little family alone, there should be no problem, even though I requested that they don't read it. Since they have no interest in my writing, I'm probably safe. I hope so hard they will finally respect our wishes of no contact. I care so much about telling the truth and bringing healing. I fought my entire life to bring communication, truth, and healing to my FOO. There's nothing left to fight for so I have given up, at age 59. I can now only bring healing to myself and other survivors through my words. I finally went back to work on my heart-wrenching memoir that I wrote in 2012 that I originally wrote for them as my last Hope of getting my beloved family of origin and relatives back. But, There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

O.U.C.H.

Today it's sinking in or hitting hard the reality that there is absolutely no hope left that I will ever have my foo+ (family of origin and relatives). The emotional pain is unbearable. For over three decades...THREE DECADES!...I've been trying so hard to bring healing and reconciliation to my foo+ and me, and I never ever gave up hope. Even when I was writing my memoir the whole time it was with the intention of bringing us back together.

The cold, hard reality that that will never happen has only recently been made aware to my mind, heart, and soul. Earlier posts explain a lot. And for some unknown reason today all this is hitting me. Hitting hard.

I have no foo+. I'm an orphan. It's out of my hands. There's no hope. My foo abused and abandoned me and my relatives turned their backs on me. That really is what happened. And by my foo I was accused of having a victim mentality but I was a victim. So then they abused me some more for what they made me.

It's not that cut and dry, of course, but in a nutshell (appropriate word) that really is the crux of it and I give myself permission to say so without fear of reproach.

There was love and abuse in the same package and I grieve for the loss of love.

I'm so alone.

Thank GodGoddessUniverse for my Real family; Richard and the girls, and for my friends, my spiritual teachers, and my therapist.

I have to begin rebuilding my life in a whole new way, albeit while struggling with a debilitating chronic illness that is stigmatized. More rejection.

It's going to be a hell of a book when I'm through with it. It's going to be good! I won't get the happy ending I wanted, but I'm going to give myself my own happy ending in this life.



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