Onward

Now with many internet distractions self-removed including my previous blog and a sobriety message board, I can get back to focusing on doing some real writing. I didn't feel free to talk about the book I'm writing on my now dead blog.... god, I think I'm having a moment of PTSD over annihilating it when all I needed to do was hide it from the public. Wow. Do I do things in a drastic way sometimes.
"Out with the old! In with the new!""Off with her head!"

Actually, I did try hiding my blog, but wasn't satisfied. Then I tried deleting only the blog but not my google account, and still wasn't satisfied. It deleted only my blog, but not my blog dashboard which means I was still left seeing the blog roll of all the blog posts of the blogs I was following---and there were a lot of them. Well, long story short, I needed to purge all those bitches and bastards (said tongue-in-cheek) that stopped reading/commenting on my blog ages ago. There is no way in Blogger to delete people who follow your blog either. It was all causing me too much stress. I had to make the huge decision to delete my main GMail account that I'd had for a decade because the dumb way Blogger is set-up is that in order to delete your entire bloggersphere you have to delete your entire googlesphere which includes the GMail addy associated with your blog. It was a painful, scary decision, but one I'm glad I made...

I'll note why most of my readers abandoned me. I was part of the CFS community (chronic fatigue syndrome). It's an incurable, untreatable illness. I, like most of us, was on a self-healing journey, but I, unlike most, didn't have a doctor helping me because in 14 1/2 years with this dd (damn disease), I hadn't been able to find a doctor who was educated about CFS. And truthfully, most doctors still don't care much. I unintentionally offended my fellow pwc's (people with chronic fatigue syndrome) by encouraging them to "push their limits" to try to get well. Forcing myself to slowly exercise, and gradually increase it helped me. Little did I know at the time that only 5% of CFS patients can exercise at all. So, they never forgave me after that.

Where was I... Oh... I was talking about my book and how I want to put a lot more focus on it.

So, I'm trying to write my first book. I'm 23,000 words in, but have been blocked for weeks. I don't even know if I should write it anymore. Or maybe I should write it anonymously. It's such darn sensitive material and potentially hurtful to my family of origin. But do I even care? I don't know anymore. Feeling kind of numb to the matter. (uh, yes, I care. a lot.)

I'd like to possibly post some excerpts from it in here, open the blog to comments via my email address. Depending on how that goes, I might open my blog to receiving comments posted here.

An author I'm reading published her book solely because of the encouraging comments she received by first revealing her work a chapter at a time on her blog. How cool is that.

All I know for sure is that I'm unhappy enough in my life to know that I need to be writing more seriously and not just trying to help drunks on a message board stay sober---as worthy as that is---or posting health-healing advice on a blog that nobody gives a rats ass about.

I'll never be happy unless I see myself as trying to be a real writer. It doesn't even matter if my book turns out to be something I want to publish (or try to), or if I'm just writing for myself and my daughters when they are a lot older. It's only important to me that I finish it. Then, when I get it out of me, I will be able to move on to writing other things.

Anew

I'm starting fresh because I need to blog. I deleted my 10-year-old blog this morning, and the GMail account that was attached to it, not intending to create another blog. Not having a clue that I ever would (I was feeling so defeated), let alone create one the same day. I deleted it because, well, I was raised by a family who (accidentally) taught me that I was not worthy of being liked or loved and my so-called blog followers reinforced that lesson. I simply can't take it anymore: being rejected and ignored. But I want to blog, so this one will not be set-up to take followers or comments. That way I can't feel rejected or ignored. And I can write more freely and uninhibited and not worry about offending anyone. Oh, and this time, I'm anonymous!

It took a lot out of me mentally and emotionally to annihilate both my beloved blog, and my main GMail account. I thought I was either Cleansing or having a Mental Breakdown. I'm now thinking it was 50/50. I spent the day in bed in the fetal position, and sleeping. I felt full of fear and anxiety and sorrow. And hopeless and so utterly alone.

I DO feel unworthy of love in this moment, at 55, the way my life is going. The only love I truly have is the love of my amazing daughters. No one else seems to care for me much. But because of my daughters, who are pert-near both grown by now, I know that I am truly loved for me. They taught me that I actually am worthy of love, as well as respect, as well as being liked. They actually feel all three of those, genuinely and on their own, for me. Not that they don't think me weird or annoying at times! We all feel that way about one another at times!

So, why can't I seem to get along with anyone else and maintain friendships? My best guess is that I was a horrible person in my past life and am paying for it in this one. My next best guess is that I'm cursed.

I can't get very close to either of my daughters. (My oldest has Aspergers.) I raised them to be their own people. I'm neither a helicopter parent, or a parent who lives vicariously through her children, or a parent who tries to be her childrens' best friend. To me, all of those are SICK. I'm trying to say that it is not enough having my daughters. I am extremely lonely and alone. They are my priority but they are not my life. They have their own lives. I hope and trust that they will always want to keep me in them! So, we don't hang-out together, we live harmoniously together. We do stuff together here and there, and with their father who doesn't live with us, and the three of us often have dinner together that I make. Other than that, we are mostly in our own worlds here in our little house.
But it's a happy and peaceful little house.
Albeit extremely lonely most of the time for me only.

Another reason I killed my decade-long blog was because I needed my family of origin whom I've orphaned myself from for good to stop reading my blog and leave me the fuck alone.

A spiritual teaching is not to get attached to things. After all, I was not my blog. It was just a thing.