2016 Update: I care more about this blog than I do that "they" can read it, otherwise I'd stop writing it and create a new one. As long as they finally leave me and my little family alone, there should be no problem, even though I requested that they don't read it. Since they have no interest in my writing, I'm probably safe. I hope so hard they will finally respect our wishes of no contact. I care so much about telling the truth and bringing healing. I fought my entire life to bring communication, truth, and healing to my FOO. There's nothing left to fight for so I have given up, at age 59. I can now only bring healing to myself and other survivors through my words. I finally went back to work on my heart-wrenching memoir that I wrote in 2012 that I originally wrote for them as my last Hope of getting my beloved family of origin and relatives back. But, There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See

Sunday, May 8, 2016

MY MOTHER'S DAY CHOICE

​   I have come to the decision that I need to let this blog go for my greater good.
   As much as I love this blog (it's my baby), and even though I have a lot of readers (Thank You!),
   There are some readers I simply can no longer abide by, and there's no way to block them from reading my blog.
   It's become imperative for my very life itself that I free myself 100% from my FOO+.
   It's the only way I'm going to recover from them and find peace and wholeness.
   I simply can no longer have them spying on me and knowing about my life.
   I know nothing about their lives and that's the way I want it and need it.
   I orphaned myself from them for good reason.​
   My wonderful little family supports me 100%, and are so relieved!!!
 
   

Saturday, May 7, 2016

I Am Blissed-Out Right Now! . . .

Listening to my grown daughters laughing and chatting in the family room working on my Mother's Day gift!

Mother's Day Is The BESTEST Holiday! !!

Remembering Gratitude

Because I love my FOO so much, part of me is grateful my ex-sister left that vm. Mostly, it did a negative number on me though, and I don't want her to call again. At the same time it was good to hear her voice because I miss her, I miss all of them. (It was love and abuse in the same package from them, remember.) My angelic self knows she was trying to reach-out to me, connect with me, and love me. Angelic Self meaning Higher Self. She was doing this the only way she knows how. And I DO feel her love. And, in theory, her suggestion that we start a snail-mail correspondence is a good one.

But me and my little family here are not buying it, because we know it will lead to my going down the rabbit hole again. We know she's not showing any signs of telling the truth, supporting me regarding the abuse, and thus bringing healing to it.

I'm trying not to judge her for that, believe me. I'm trying not to judge her on that because everyone has to grow at their own rate. I think she is doing the best she can, just as I am.

"The Courage To Heal" by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass, states How Important And Crucial it is to give the victim control over the relationships with the abusers; when healing is trying to take place.

May I Forever Live My Life In Peace And Joy As An Orphan 
(knowing that they will never "get" it and reunite with me)
May I Without Haste Recover From Them And Thrive In My New Life
May I Forgive And Let Go

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Screw My Phone For Not Blocking Numbers And Allowing My Ex-Sister To Leave Me A VM At 11 PM

FOO, You must think I'm crazy. Of course you do, you all do. Your egos need to believe that I'm crazy rather than admit and heal all the abuse.

Karen, (and now I know you are reading my blogs even though I don't want you to since orphaning myself permanently), you must think I'm crazy to be lured back in by that seemingly loving vm you left me late last night, messing up my needed sleep, suggesting we communicate through snail-mail letters.

I'm not stupid, because I know it will only lead to more of the same ole same ole, and me getting HURT again.

My terms are CLEAR:

NO CONTACT (to any of us) EVER, ABOUT ANYTHING, UNLESS:

  • YOU READ "THE COURAGE TO HEAL" BY LAURA DAVIS AND ELLEN BASS
  • YOU READ MY MEMOIR-IN-PROGRESS
  • ADMIT THAT I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED BY YOUR FATHER AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY YOUR MOTHER
  • SHOW ME COMPASSION AND EMPATHY AND APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BELIEVING ME OR SUPPORTING ME
  • ADMIT YOUR OWN ABUSE OF BULLYING ME MY ENTIRE LIFE
  • APOLOGIZE SINCERELY AND PROFUSELY
  • FEEL  DEAL  HEAL

I Have ALWAYS Wanted To, And Tried To Apologize For My Part In Any Of It, But Was Not Even Allowed To Do That Much, Let Alone Get Any Of You To Tell The Truth, Communicate, And Bring Healing.

Your mother, inexcusably, minimizes my abuse by your father and denies my abuse by her, and that means you all do; all my FOO and relatives. Because that's the way she wants it and has to have it. And because I'm expendable to her and all of you.

I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE

I WALKED AWAY FROM YOU ALL FOR GOOD REASON AND I'M NOT LOOKING BACK, BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT IS NEEDED TO CREATE REUNION

 Nonetheless,


Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Rough Morning

I'm truly not a whiner, nor do I make it a habit to talk about my illnesses or symptoms to people. In fact, I rarely mention them.

Keeping that in mind, let me tell you about this morning.

Three and a half months ago I broke my dental bridge eating popcorn.


For financial reasons I've had to put off getting a new bridge from my wonderful biological dentist, Dr. Yoo. Luckily, there's no pain living like this. I just have to chew mostly on the other side. It's $3600 for a bridge + $200 for a filling.

We finally got Dr. Yoo to agree to allow us to split the payments in half and I have an appointment tomorrow morning.

This morning I was experiencing rather overwhelming fear and anxiety over the upcoming 3-hour work that would be done tomorrow.

In the shower I figured out what was going on. This kind of procedure simply does not mix with ME/CFS. It will entirely do me in. It will be too much for me to endure physically. It will put me into a very big crash where I will be comatose-like. Even getting my teeth cleaned renders me bed-bound for the rest of the day.

As of yet, Dr. Yoo isn't well informed about my disease, so that adds to my fear, because he simply doesn't have a clue what it's like for me. In fact, none of my doctors do. That's just the way it is for almost all ME/CFS patients.

I think I was shaking and crying a little when I called his office this morning to tell them I am not up for this procedure yet and to see if I could come in just to get the filling for now. That alone will take a lot out of me, but I'll still be able to drive myself home.

I'm going to have to schedule the bridge work when someone in my family is available to drop me off and pick me up, for one thing. And at least, getting the filling ahead of time will cut down on the duration and intensity of the procedure a little.

I don't know why I couldn't think all this through before this morning, but it's probably mostly due to the cognitive impairment of ME/CFS. Not to mention that I tend to have amnesia about how sick I really am. That and how I tend to just go along with what my doctors say.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY WHINE!

Again, my ex-mother's voice in my head. I've been ill for 18 years and she nor anyone else in my FOO ever asked me how I'm doing. That's first of all. The few times I volunteered to talk to my ex-mother about my disease, she would say, "Boy, Judy, you sure do have a lot of problems!" in a Very Condescending Tone, and then she's laugh that witch cackle.

I do trust Dr. Yoo to take good care of me when the time comes, and it wouldn't even surprise me if he watches the DVD I lent him in January about my disease. "Forgotten Plague" It's a brand new ground-breaking 1-hour film. info: www.forgottenplague.com


Monday, May 2, 2016

Writing My Way To Wholeness

If I tell myself the truth, and allow myself to blog about it, it will help me.
Tons of people who like to write find this to be true for them.
Right now I am feeling like crap in every way but especially emotionally. <sigh>
Usually when this happens, especially in the morning, I get sort of paralyzed for a while.
Paralyzed in sadness, grief, emptiness, and loss.
My little family and I had a great day yesterday, I slept very well, and I woke up happy.
You know what I mean?
You know how when you first start to come-to and you feel all joyful and peaceful inside?
God, I love that!
And that is the norm for me because despite everything I'm basically a happy person in love with life.
So, I guess I gotta give myself some props right now.
I'm doing great. I'm simply grieving.
I hear my ex-mother's voice all the time criticizing me and telling me there's something wrong with me.
So, when I feel like crap, as I do presently, I'm very unforgiving of myself and I tend to have horrible, self-condemning self-talk.

So, F U C K  H E R !!!!!!!!!!!
There, hopefully that will help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, April 30, 2016

A Pretend Letter To My Ex-Mother To Help Heal My Tortured Soul

 I opened up my soul as a writer and this is what came out

Fay ~

Why?

Why are things the way they are between us? Why did you let this happen? Why do you hate me? Why did you emotionally abuse and neglect me my entire life (while you treated my older sister and younger brother only with kindness and respect, especially your precious son whom to you the sun rises and sets on)? Why do you deny doing it? Why do you minimize the sexual abuse by my ex-father [deceased]? Why do you tell my siblings and my relatives lies about me? Why do you want them to think badly of me? Why do you allow my beloved nephew and nieces to be turned against me?

Why did you constantly tell me that you love me? The way you think of me and treat me is not love.

WHY?!

W H Y ?!?!

I've only ever loved and worshiped you, as all children do their parents. I only ever wanted your love. I only ever wanted you to like me. I know I was a good little girl. I know I was intelligent, with a gifted IQ, and a good student (until the depression over what I was living through caused me to flake-out on getting good grades in high school. And I couldn't even manage getting an education past community college, I was so damaged).

Why do you abandon me to suffer alone? You always have and you always will.

Why don't you want what I want: Communication, Truth, Healing, Forgiveness, Reunion?!

W  H  Y  ????!!!!????

The Way You Looked At Me; Your Involuntary Reaction When You First Saw Me At Your Birthday Party In 2004. You Didn't Expect Me Or My Family To Be There. We Were Invited To Come As A Surprise By My Sister And Brother. We Hadn't Seen Each Other In Over Two Years. Your Expression Changed To A Fake Smile Two Seconds Later. No One Would Have Even Noticed The Truth Of How You Feel About Me: Contempt And Disappointment -- Had My Disposable Kodak Camera Not Caught This "Proof."

Not that you or anybody else in my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) care. But my wonderful little family cares and supports me 100%.

The Way We Looked There (and your granddaughters had no clue about the abuse then. I protected them from the truth until they were teenagers. I tried with all my might to keep them in your life, even as teens, because they loved you and you loved them, and that's how much I loved you, and I wanted them to have their family. But as of two or three years ago, as young adults, They Fuckin' HATE You And Want Nothing To Do With You Because Of How You Treat Their Beloved Mom.)




I can't want Communication, Truth, Healing, Forgiveness, Reunion anymore. I fought my entire life for that, but I was SO WRONG. For whatever unfathomable reason it's not possible because you won't allow it.

So NOW I Need To Hate You, All Of You, and have nothing more to do with you ever. If I don't Hate you, I will hate myself, as you made me do my entire life. My HATE OF YOU is HEALTHY and HEALING for me because I'm finally telling myself the Whole Truth about my feelings, and because I don't deserve to hate myself. But I still do hate myself and now I hate myself for hating you. I Did Nothing Wrong, except for being born, apparently. I must forgive myself for that. It was out of my control.

Eventually I will forgive all of you because that's Who I Am. But I will never understand. I Will NEVER Have Anything To Do With Any Of You Again. My siblings, because of you, always bullied and neglected me, and NONE of my relatives have ever been there for me.

YET, there was love and joy growing up too. There are many happy memories. There was love and abuse in the same package. As ground-breaking books like The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis explains, that makes it more crazy-making, and much harder to recover from, than if it was just abuse.

  At My Methodist Minister Ex-Father's Memorial Service 1999, Fay and Howard were long divorced (that's me on the left. my ex-mother's hand is definitely not touching me. she'd rather touch the rail.)


Friday, April 29, 2016

I Wonder How Long It Will Take, If Ever, To Recover From FOO

Silly of me to think I was over them already. Silly of me to even hope for that. I'm talkin' heavy grieving and PTSD, that, mercifully, is better since my clear decision the other day. See: judyactonayala.blogspot.com/chest-pains-healed-yesterday-after-i.html

But, I need to allow myself as much time as I need to try to find lasting peace and happiness.

This new video from Matt Kahn helped:  Respecting The Shadow

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Just UGH

It's just so freakin' hard living with the two debilitating diseases I'm challenged with!
You have no friggin' idea! Unless you have them too.
I swear, I don't know how we do it.
It is definitely helpful to believe it's all for a reason; to enhance my personal and spiritual growth; somehow it's all part of my Divine Purpose designed by GodGoddessUniverse.
Even the part about that my FOO never gave a damn or lifted a finger to help me, even though I was always there for them in times of need. And 18 years suffering with this and they didn't even believe me until the film Forgotten Plague came out.
When I was first stricken my daughters were really little and I could barely get out of bed---literally crawling on hands and knees when I did. I couldn't shower more than once a week, I had to rest my arm many times just to brush my teeth.
Things Like That.



Sunday, April 24, 2016

Chest Pains Healed Yesterday After I Wrote This Email To People Who Truly Love Me...

  I have finally recognized that it was a SET BACK and a MISTAKE to drunk-dial Fay (ex-mother) on Monday. Until yesterday morning in a healing conversation with my wonderful Richard---who supports me and uplifts me to the nth degree---I was thinking calling her helped me get more answers/clarity. It did no such thing. It was nothing more than me once again throwing my pearls before swine (to paraphrase the bible). I had already gotten the last answer that I needed, when no birthday card arrived for Anna, that they were finally going to stop contacting us. I didn't need to call to confirm this. I certainly didn't need to shower that witch with more kindness like I did. Cuz today, I am still so deep in grief, despair, PTSD, and chest pain over the unfathomability of who they are and how they all treat me and what it all means. AND THIS IS WHERE IT HAS TO END. THIS IS WHERE I WRITE THEM OFF FOR GOOD. THIS IS WHERE ALL THE HOPE I'VE BEEN HOLDING FOR HEALING AND REUNION WITH THEM GETS DEAD AND BURIED. Richard is going to take my address book and write down all their phone numbers to keep in his possession then black them out in my address book so I can't foolishly ever call them again. I WILL HAVE NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH THEM EVER, AND THAT MEANS I WILL CERTAINLY NOT SEND HER MY PRECIOUS BOOK (even though she deserves to be the recipient of my hurt and anger, and she ought to be told exactly what she did/does to me, and it's supposed to help her grow). How FOOLISH it was of me to trust my ex-siblings and send it to them last year.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

The Ultra Fear Of Not Being Able To Process And Recover From What My Evil FOO Has Done And Is Doing To Me

May
It
Just
Be
A
Fear
And
Not
My
Reality

I'll
Be
So
Grateful
When/If
The
Chest
Pains
I've
Had
Since
Talking
To
My
Ex-Mother
On
Monday
Go
Away

Friday, April 22, 2016

Emails With My Psychologist

On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 11:02 AM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:

  It's so bad, Dr. Z., I posted this at my blog:

God, I'm So Depressed And I Feel Like I'm Slowly Dying

I just don't think I can take anymore. My FOOs abuse and neglect of me my entire life has been slowly, painfully killing me. And so often I don't even have the will to live and wish I was never born and the only thing I have to live for are my precious, beloved daughters. But that I'm actually slowly dying of heartbreak and disease. And It's All Their Fault. And They Don't Even Give A Damn.

 On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 12:42 PM, Emily Ziegler wrote:
Hi Judy,
I'm sorry to hear that things have not improved with your FOO.  It has been a long struggle with them - one fraught with very painful moments.  I can certainly understand why you want that suffering to just be over with!  Despite how you are currently feeling, please remember that you've had periods of time filled with peace and creativity, despite your FOO and those times are attainable again.  One thing I've learned from working with you is that you have a tremendous capacity for resilience and the ability to finding meaning and purpose in your suffering - I have no doubt that you will this time too.   
On a practical note, I trust that you do know how to keep yourself safe.  Is there danger that you won't be able too? 
E
  
On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 1:15 PM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:

  Your confidence in me sort of blows my mind, in a very good way.

  We're trying to decide if Richard should mail my memoir-in-progress with a note from him attached saying that if she dies before I do without admitting and healing the abuse it will annihilate me. And I truly believe it will. Coming from him it might have an impact, but probably not. If reading my book doesn't open her eyes to what she's doing to me, nothing will.

  I have no worries that sending it would cause any of them to contact us again (unless it's for the reasons I requested), because they have finally honored my wishes for no contact. I learned this on Anna's birthday this weekend when my ex-mom didn't send her a card for the first time in history. I got drunk and called my mom on Monday because it turns out that was a trigger for me that I didn't realize, nor did I realize I would even think to call her let alone do it. I got the assurance that they won't contact us, even though she still claims not to understand why. When I gently mentioned her abuse of me, she denied it and hung up on me. She also minimizes the abuse by my father.

  Do you think I should make an appointment with you to discuss what I should do? I've had chest pains and heart-palpitations for a few days because of that evil woman.

             Judy

 On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 3:00 PM, Emily Ziegler wrote:
You are certainly more than welcome to come in for an appointment, if you think it'd be helpful.  Likely, I'll keep saying what I have been about your FOO (your Mom in particular):  I don't know if she has the capacity or the ability to admit to herself, much less to you, what either she or your Dad did.  To have your healing contingent on someone else's awareness/insight/perspective/etc. leaves you in a very vulnerable spot.  Maybe a note from Richard and maybe your memoir would prompt some response on her part but...I have a feeling that, no matter what she says now, it will be too little, too late to bring the closure you seek.  Her years of denial and minimization will undermine any apology or acknowledgment she offers now - no matter how sincere.  It might bring some brief relief or solace but I have doubts about the "staying power" of any apology given at this very late date. 
I am sorry to hear about Anna's birthday.  I know you've always wanted to keep the girls separate and it must be painful to see them impacted as well now.  With the exception of this, how has the drinking been going?
Let me know what you decide about coming in - typically you feel better by the time the appointment rolls around :)  That doesn't mean I wouldn't be more than happy to see you though!!
Take care of yourself Judy.  I know you want to be seen by your FOO but, if it never happens, you can survive it, should you chose to do so. 
E

 On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 4:46 PM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:

   Emily, You are a gem and a half. I may have to mail you 20 or 40 bucks; not for you as much as for me. Make sense?
   I will give your wise words a lot of thought and if I still can't decide whether it's in my personal best interests to have her read my book, regardless of it not helping, I'll make an appointment. I need to look deep inside myself and ask, "Is it really that important that I tell her in detail what a shitty mother she was to me and how much damage she did to me? Or is it noble to let her go? And can I live with that?" I mean, if roles were reversed I would want to know how I hurt someone.
   Also, I really do fear what it's going to do to me when she dies leaving things as they are, so I am beyond grateful that I can come in to see you then. Hopefully, I mean. It's life-saving knowing you are there to help me, Dr. Z. So, don't quit your practice, and don't move away. <wink>
   I've got my drinking down from up to 5 times a week to 2 times a week. This was able to happen once I got through a really heavy grieving period; grieving and PTSD. And I'm glad you asked me about my drinking. It's still a work in progress. I don't know if this latest episode will set me back a bit or not. Finger's crossed.
                                     xo, Judy

 On Fri, Apr 22, 2016 at 8:46 AM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:
   They are doing so well, I almost forgot to mention that Anna and Bethany are so over their grammy and my FOO, and have been since shortly after you met them back when. You'll remember that they were on their way to that point, and practically easily; because of what my FOO did/does to their mom. As sad as it is that they lost their family. As you know I was most worried about them and what it would do to them and that I ruined their lives. In fact, their strength gives me strength. So, we will be fine even if we never get any of our relatives back because of my evil ex-mother (she won't clear my name before she dies). My amazing daughters, and their dad, are also seeing the real progress I'm making with my drinking and are very supportive, albeit concerned at times. They Be My Barometers, you know! I still do my best not to impose on them when I'm drinking. It's important in our lives for me to talk to the girls periodically about my drinking progress.

Update: Both girls have internships in their chosen fields. : )  Beth (animation artist) graduated from AIC in September and went to work immediately. Anna (graphic designer) graduates from SDSU in the fall. Beth also has had a commission-based business she created, drawing requests for people, since she was 18 or 19. : )  She's 21 now.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

God, I'm So Depressed And I Feel Like I'm Slowly Dying

I just don't think I can take anymore. My FOOs abuse and neglect of me my entire life has been slowly, painfully killing me. And so often I don't even have the will to live and wish I was never born and the only thing I have to live for are my precious, beloved daughters. But that I'm actually slowly dying of heartbreak and disease. And It's All Their Fault. And They Don't Even Give A Damn.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

I Fear I'm In Danger

Somehow, I was triggered to get drunk and call my ex-mother last night on my oldest daughter's birthday. This came as a total shock and surprise to me. This morning I understand why I needed to do it though. I needed to learn for myself that if she dies before admitting and healing the abuse it's going to totally annihilate me. She and my now deceased father already destroyed me and my life and turned my relatives against me. She can't see this and she doesn't care.

I thought I was OK and I thought I was getting stronger. It has felt like my FOO is finally going to leave us alone and stop contacting us (unless, as I requested, it's to Feel Deal Heal). This gave me some new energy and life, and I could start visualizing my re-built future without a FOO. But, now I see that I didn't think about what it would do to me if she dies leaving things as they are. And I clearly see that that is exactly what she is going to do.

The conversation last night started out so jovial. I immediately started talking about Bernie. Mom was very surprised to hear from me, of course. I was buzzed on too much wine and cannabis and I was feeling happy. I loved learning that all of my FOO are supporting Bernie.

I was grateful to her for not sending Anna a birthday card----perhaps that's what triggered me to call her. It's the first time in our history she or any of them have honored my request from all four of us for no contact.

But then, when I bravely and gently brought up the reason for not wanting contact except to talk about and heal the abuse. SHE ONCE AGAIN DENIED EVER EMOTIONALLY ABUSING ME. I softly said, Yes, you did, mom. AND SHE HUNG UP ON ME.

She also minimizes the sexual abuse by my father.

ALL the relatives believe her. That's why I'm a pariah, a destroyed, heartbroken pariah. Because, in my FOO it was love and abuse in the same package to me. That is more crazy-making and confusing than abuse only.

The way she looked at me many years ago when we surprised her at her birthday party in Vegas per my sibling's invite. We hadn't seen her for a couple of years. My disposable Kodak caught her involuntary expression when she spotted me: Disappointment and Contempt. Two seconds later she was all smiles like nothing was wrong. I call this picture "Proof" because it's the first time I have some kind of evidence of what she really thinks of me:

The way We looked then:

Friday, April 15, 2016

Pleased With The Header Change Above

Updating my blog header is good medicine after having yet another dream last night of being sexually abused by my father.

He's been dead nearly two decades yet he still invades my dreams regularly, as does the rest of my FOO. He appears as if in present-day and it's always mortifying and far too real to be just a dream.

It's part of my burden to bear due to them refusing to Feel Deal Heal with me.

On another note, boy did I score when I found this class!:





Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Thank You Matt

The difference between a lightworker and a victim has nothing to do with the situations faced, but how one responds to the circumstances at hand. A lightworker uses their world of experiences to become the change they wish to see, while a victim is hurt by the actions of a world, while waiting for the change they have yet to become. On a spiritual level, a victim is a lightworker in training.  ~ Matt Kahn  


Monday, April 11, 2016

To Breathe


This is me starting to wake up from a very long nightmare and being able to get a glimmer of what a hero I actually am. How courageously brave it was of me to put myself into the lion's den that is my FOO (family of origin)..........
No wonder I'd been practically drowning myself in alcohol. But I'm not anymore.

The grieving and the PTSD would have done me in otherwise.

The suffering from the continued abuse and neglect they doled out on me would have killed me otherwise.

The stark realization of just how true it is that they destroyed me and my life would have been too overwhelming without drinking. (Thank you, alcohol, my friend.)

So, enough time has passed for me to start to really see and appreciate myself.

Oh My God the things I had to go through the past couple of years at their hands, in my millionth attempt to try to bring healing.
I failed at that, but I did finally get the whole truth about them. So now I can really be free.

Oh my god I hope I'll be able to find the words to describe it all one day.

But for now I am gleaning a new appreciation of myself, instead of feeling like a loser and a victim.









Friday, April 8, 2016

Still Here, For Now

Been so heavily grieving and in PTSD over my FOO (family of origin) for such a long time now.
Haven't been blogging here because my ex-mother and ex-sister read it, and that's toxic to my well-being and hinders my healing process.

There are no words to describe and express my emotional pain over all that is.

I Hate Them All So Much For All They Have Done To Me.
And, it's all SO SENSELESS and UNFATHOMABLE!

They literally DESTROYED me and my life, all the while telling me endlessly that they LOVE me.

It took me SO VERY LONG to get the Whole Truth because of the Love-and-Abuse in the same package, and the great charade they've put on.
I've been trying to bring communication and truth and healing to us for OVER THREE DECADES, but, at age 58 (I'm 59 now), I finally got the true picture of who they are and what they really think of me.

I gave them EVERY chance in the world, over and over again, to work things out. But they only ever refused. I'M EXPENDABLE TO THEM.

Incest, Emotional Abuse, Narcissism, Materialism = My FOO


There Is NO Hope







Monday, March 21, 2016

For All The Women! This REALLY WORKS On UTI's! And It Works FAST! With NO Side Effects! : )

Happy Dance!



We Never Have To Go To The Doctor Or Take Harmful Antibiotics Ever Again For UTIs !!!!


"The typical dose of D-Mannose for UTI treatment is 500 mg, in capsule or powder form, taken in a glass of water or juice every two to three hours for five days. It is a good practice to continue taking the supplement even after symptoms have diminished to ensure complete elimination of the bacteria in the urinary tract. This dose can also be taken as a preventative, or prophylactic, method."
 
I, personally, recommend taking the supplements with pure water, as the fructose in juice can add to the problem. My UTI is already significantly better after just 1/2 a day on the above protocol! OhhManWhatARelief!!! :D
 

 
 

Why It's Difficult For Me To Keep This Blog Going

I LOVE my blog.
BUT,
I know members of my FOO (family of origin) are reading it and that is not a good thing for me; it's hurting and harming my well-being and state of mind.
I orphaned myself from them for very real and good reasons.
I need them completely out of my life in order to fully heal.
And the reason is because they would rather lose me than admit and heal the abuse that happened to me at their hands.
It's a torturous situation for me.
I have been seriously contemplating shutting down this blog because of them; I barely write here as it is.
I'll never stop writing though! : )




Thursday, February 18, 2016

In A Perfect Progressive World....

Bernie Sanders will be President
Elizabeth Warren will be Vice President
Elizabeth Warren will go on to be the first woman President


Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Thank God I Have The Personality Of A Comedian

You gotta start thinking of  me as a comedian when you read my blog.
Not that the serious things I write aren't real, but that it always gets to come back to humor and sarcastic wit with me.

And I feel things so deeply. I feel everything so deeply.

GRATEFUL to be able to truly and finally walk away from my abusive FOO (family of origin).

But MORE Grateful that I still got the man of my dreams in my life!

OK, see, Divine Intervention happened between he and I.
I swear to GodGoddessUniverse, the universe wants us together, loves us together, shows signs of this All The Fucking Time !

We're star-crossed, and that's the impossible torturous part, but we are BACK as friends.
And HE initiated it at first, but then we almost said goodbyes in emails... until the Divine Intervention happened.

I know this is cryptic and I know you want details!

One day, my pretties, one day you shall have them.


Photo I copied off of Facebook from my friend : )

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Quick Note

I'm actually going to be OK, I can feel it.

And it works for me to tell my truth and to be so open and honest. It's healing.

My broken heart will heal a little bit more, and a little bit more, and a little bit more
As time passes.

On both counts:  Walking away from the man, and walking away from the FOO!
For very different reasons; the FOO is abusive, the man isn't.
I want them all back, but it's just not possible.

And I'm grateful that we are given periods of respite from deep pain and suffering during grieving.




Friday, February 12, 2016

My FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) Is An Orchestra

 

Losing

We all tend to believe, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Wonder how old that saying is? Way old.

All I know is how much I resonate with on all levels
Why lovers, since the beginning of time, kill themselves when they can't be together
Or, even if it's just one of the two that does that

I Totally Get It
Romantic Love
And I say that people who think that anything about romantic love is melodramatic in a bad way have never experienced it

I'm not saying I'm going to off myself
I'm not saying I'm suicidal

If I ever was I'd call my trusted psychologist whom I haven't needed for months
I'd also turn to my husband and two young adult daughters
(He's my separated husband of a dozen years)

I'm saying I understand that kind of pain
I understand that kind of passion
I understand that kind of connection
I understand that kind of completeness
Heart, Mind, Body, Soul

It's indescribable
It's beyond my meager words

And
I
Said
Goodbye
To
Mine
Last
Night

Our prospective lives have now separated even our perfect-beautiful friendship
ItWasMyChoiceAndIMadeItForTheGoodOfAllButEspeciallyOutOfSelfLove
We've already been separated as lovers for over a decade and haven't even seen each other either

He's not only my best friend and the only person on the planet who gets me, he's my sexual match (and solo pleasure factory), and he's my writer muse.
Did you hear what I said?
All at once I'm losing: My Best Friend, The Only Person On The Planet Who Gets Me, Masturbating, And My Writer Muse !

How I am supposed to live without him in my life seems an impossibility

OK, but so what!
Clearly, I said goodbye to him in an email for a reason
Clearly, it was Fate
Surely there is a Divine Reason
And that:  ALL IS WELL


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Jesus Fucking Christ I Hate Valentine's Day

Ain't nuthin but a reminder
Ain't nuthin but rubbin' it in
That I'm apart from my Star-Crossed Lover
And probably always will be

Monday, February 8, 2016

This Is Not A Good Time For Me

Writing about things always helps to make peace with discordant and unwanted emotions.

Now that it's finally coming to the end of the hardest time frame for the most painful issues in my life, I feel more open about blogging about it. After all, as a rule, I'm not a whiner or complainer. God, it would have been a drag if I posted all the self pity I've felt since mid-November! LOL.

And there it starts: Mid-November through Mid-February is a bitch on me emotionally.

Two reasons: My FOO (family of origin), and my love life.

Jesus, it's almost over!

When February 15th rolls around I'm going to feel reborn.

Thanksgiving
Christmas
New Years
My Birthday
Valentines Day

All murder on a sensitive soul with the issues I mentioned.

I've made the best of it, and I've got so much love around me from my little family and my Facebook friends. Never underestimate the power and benefit of Facebook communities and friends. My life is so much richer, and I experience so much more love than I ever did prior to landing on Facebook late in life two years ago (age 57). I'm 59 now.

I've been drinking too much too often since December, but I've deemed it my Exempt Period from having to do consistent moderate drinking. That is, I just figured that one out last night! And I felt much better; more at peace, more confident, more relaxed in my body.

I know myself pretty well and I easily see myself doing better and feeling better on the magic day this month!

Thanks for letting me vent and tell my truth.






Sunday, February 7, 2016

Aaargh. My Cat Ruined My Day!

It's so rare that one of our cat brothers, Huck Finn (Tom Sawyer is his bro), asks to sleep with me, so I let him last night. 
Big mistake.
He's outta luck next time!

He disrupted my sleep so much, and because of ME/CFS, that means bye-bye to my plans for the day! (ME/CFS patients can barely function at all after a bad night's sleep.)

Now I'm in a bad mood too.
I REALLY needed to go grocery shopping and was looking forward to it; Sprouts or Whole Foods.

The night started out perfectly.
Then sometime while I was sound asleep, curled-up on my left side, Huck decided to move to my side of the bed. That of course meant that when I shifted positions and tried to sleep on my back, I had no leg room! I had to sleep diagonally on the bed. 

And no, Huck is not the type to take to being physically moved, which means he would have ended up waking me up fully. At least at this point I was half asleep enough to fall back to sleep. But his invasion of my side of the bed ended up waking me up several times in the night... ONLY to have him then wake up at 5 a.m., jump to the floor with a thud, and demand to be let out of my room! Aaargh!

It took me so long to fall back asleep after that (especially because of looking at the clock and registering what time it was. I can explain later, maybe.), that I didn't end up waking up this morning until 10:00!

DAMN! That's 2 1/2 - 3 hours late!

Guess I thought it would feel good to tell this little tale of woe!


Friday, February 5, 2016

Everything Happens For A Reason

I know I'm not nearly as bad as my friend thinks I am
But I sure am grateful for his help in my being able to take a closer look at myself
Maybe he was a little harsh on me
Maybe his reaction to me had more to do with him than with me
Maybe it's better that we take space from one another

It's All Good

Wonder if he has a clue how ill I am in the ME/CFS that I've been challenged with for 18 years?
Wonder if he has a clue what kind of a toll that takes on a soul?
Wonder if he further understands what it's like to be an orphan?
Wonder if he really believes that I'm a "Toxic person?"
If he does, then, well, I'm better off without him in my life
But I wish him only Love

www.forgottenplague.com

Thursday, February 4, 2016

My Friend Has Chosen To Block Me On Facebook

<sigh>
He did it before I could send him this pm:



Thank You For The Wake Up Call! OMG, did you make me THINK. I asked my daughters, in their young 20s, if they thought I was a Toxic person, and they said no. And I'm grateful because I ALWAYS tried to protect them from my dark side, and I was successful. But when I asked Richard, over the phone, if he thought I was a Toxic person? He PAUSED (!) He Had To Think About It! Then he said, "In what way?" All I could do at the time was hang up.

Let me tell you, I went to bed last night thinking very hard on this subject. And let me tell you, I withdrew in my bed until 1 pm today, hiding, because I felt so bad about being a Toxic person. But when I woke up, I Woke Up!

YES, sometimes when I drink too much I become a Toxic person. I swear to Jesus I didn't know. I couldn't see.

You have Helped Me So Much to get my act together, and I know I shall! xo. Thank You So Very Much.

Please stick around and witness my further growth! *I* Am one of the most Nourishing, Loving, Giving, Healing people on the planet. :D As Are YOU