A Pretend Letter To My Ex-Mother To Help Heal My Tortured Soul

 I opened up my soul as a writer and this is what came out

Fay ~

Why?

Why are things the way they are between us? Why did you let this happen? Why do you hate me? Why did you emotionally abuse and neglect me my entire life (while you treated my older sister and younger brother only with kindness and respect, especially your precious son whom to you the sun rises and sets on)? Why do you deny doing it? Why do you minimize the sexual abuse by my ex-father [deceased]? Why do you tell my siblings and my relatives lies about me? Why do you want them to think badly of me? Why do you allow my beloved nephew and nieces to be turned against me?

Why did you constantly tell me that you love me? The way you think of me and treat me is not love.

WHY?!

W H Y ?!?!

I've only ever loved and worshiped you, as all children do their parents. I only ever wanted your love. I only ever wanted you to like me. I know I was a good little girl. I know I was intelligent, with a gifted IQ, and a good student (until the depression over what I was living through caused me to flake-out on getting good grades in high school. And I couldn't even manage getting an education past community college, I was so damaged).

Why do you abandon me to suffer alone? You always have and you always will.

Why don't you want what I want: Communication, Truth, Healing, Forgiveness, Reunion?!

W  H  Y  ????!!!!????

The Way You Looked At Me; Your Involuntary Reaction When You First Saw Me At Your Birthday Party In 2004. You Didn't Expect Me Or My Family To Be There. We Were Invited To Come As A Surprise By My Sister And Brother. We Hadn't Seen Each Other In Over Two Years. Your Expression Changed To A Fake Smile Two Seconds Later. No One Would Have Even Noticed The Truth Of How You Feel About Me: Contempt And Disappointment -- Had My Disposable Kodak Camera Not Caught This "Proof."

Not that you or anybody else in my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) care. But my wonderful little family cares and supports me 100%.

The Way We Looked There (and your granddaughters had no clue about the abuse then. I protected them from the truth until they were teenagers. I tried with all my might to keep them in your life, even as teens, because they loved you and you loved them, and that's how much I loved you, and I wanted them to have their family. But as of two or three years ago, as young adults, They Fuckin' HATE You And Want Nothing To Do With You Because Of How You Treat Their Beloved Mom.)

I can't want Communication, Truth, Healing, Forgiveness, Reunion anymore. I fought my entire life for that, but I was SO WRONG. For whatever unfathomable reason it's not possible because you won't allow it.

So NOW I Need To Hate You, All Of You, and have nothing more to do with you ever. If I don't Hate you, I will hate myself, as you made me do my entire life. My HATE OF YOU is HEALTHY and HEALING for me because I'm finally telling myself the Whole Truth about my feelings, and because I don't deserve to hate myself. But I still do hate myself and now I hate myself for hating you. I Did Nothing Wrong, except for being born, apparently. I must forgive myself for that. It was out of my control.

Eventually I will forgive all of you because that's Who I Am. But I will never understand. I Will NEVER Have Anything To Do With Any Of You Again. My siblings, because of you, always bullied and neglected me, and NONE of my relatives have ever been there for me.

YET, there was love and joy growing up too. There are many happy memories. There was love and abuse in the same package. As ground-breaking books like The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis explains, that makes it more crazy-making, and much harder to recover from, than if it was just abuse.

  At My Methodist Minister Ex-Father's Memorial Service 1999, Fay and Howard were long divorced (that's me on the left. my ex-mother's hand is definitely not touching me. she'd rather touch the rail.)

I Wonder How Long It Will Take, If Ever, To Recover From FOO

Silly of me to think I was over them already. Silly of me to even hope for that. I'm talkin' heavy grieving and PTSD, that, mercifully, is better since my clear decision the other day. See: judyactonayala.blogspot.com/chest-pains-healed-yesterday-after-i.html

But, I need to allow myself as much time as I need to try to find lasting peace and happiness.

This new video from Matt Kahn helped:  Respecting The Shadow

Just UGH

It's just so freakin' hard living with the two debilitating diseases I'm challenged with!
You have no friggin' idea! Unless you have them too.
I swear, I don't know how we do it.
It is definitely helpful to believe it's all for a reason; to enhance my personal and spiritual growth; somehow it's all part of my Divine Purpose designed by GodGoddessUniverse.
Even the part about that my FOO never gave a damn or lifted a finger to help me, even though I was always there for them in times of need. And 18 years suffering with this and they didn't even believe me until the film Forgotten Plague came out.
When I was first stricken my daughters were really little and I could barely get out of bed---literally crawling on hands and knees when I did. I couldn't shower more than once a week, I had to rest my arm many times just to brush my teeth.

Things Like That.

www.forgottenplague.com

Chest Pains Healed Yesterday After I Wrote This Email To People Who Truly Love Me...

  I have finally recognized that it was a SET BACK and a MISTAKE to drunk-dial Fay (ex-mother) on Monday. Until yesterday morning in a healing conversation with my wonderful Richard---who supports me and uplifts me to the nth degree---I was thinking calling her helped me get more answers/clarity. It did no such thing. It was nothing more than me once again throwing my pearls before swine (to paraphrase the bible). I had already gotten the last answer that I needed, when no birthday card arrived for Anna, that they were finally going to stop contacting us. I didn't need to call to confirm this. I certainly didn't need to shower that witch with more kindness like I did. Cuz today, I am still so deep in grief, despair, PTSD, and chest pain over the unfathomability of who they are and how they all treat me and what it all means. AND THIS IS WHERE IT HAS TO END. THIS IS WHERE I WRITE THEM OFF FOR GOOD. THIS IS WHERE ALL THE HOPE I'VE BEEN HOLDING FOR HEALING AND REUNION WITH THEM GETS DEAD AND BURIED. Richard is going to take my address book and write down all their phone numbers to keep in his possession then black them out in my address book so I can't foolishly ever call them again. I WILL HAVE NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH THEM EVER, AND THAT MEANS I WILL CERTAINLY NOT SEND HER MY PRECIOUS BOOK (even though she deserves to be the recipient of my hurt and anger, and she ought to be told exactly what she did/does to me, and it's supposed to help her grow). How FOOLISH it was of me to trust my ex-siblings and send it to them last year.

The Ultra Fear Of Not Being Able To Process And Recover From What My Evil FOO Has Done And Is Doing To Me

May
It
Just
Be
A
Fear
And
Not
My
Reality

I'll
Be
So
Grateful
When/If
The
Chest
Pains
I've
Had
Since
Talking
To
My
Ex-Mother
On
Monday
Go
Away

Emails With My Psychologist

On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 11:02 AM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:

  It's so bad, Dr. Z., I posted this at my blog:

God, I'm So Depressed And I Feel Like I'm Slowly Dying

I just don't think I can take anymore. My FOOs abuse and neglect of me my entire life has been slowly, painfully killing me. And so often I don't even have the will to live and wish I was never born and the only thing I have to live for are my precious, beloved daughters. But that I'm actually slowly dying of heartbreak and disease. And It's All Their Fault. And They Don't Even Give A Damn.

 On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 12:42 PM, Emily Ziegler wrote:

Hi Judy,

I'm sorry to hear that things have not improved with your FOO.  It has been a long struggle with them - one fraught with very painful moments.  I can certainly understand why you want that suffering to just be over with!  Despite how you are currently feeling, please remember that you've had periods of time filled with peace and creativity, despite your FOO and those times are attainable again.  One thing I've learned from working with you is that you have a tremendous capacity for resilience and the ability to finding meaning and purpose in your suffering - I have no doubt that you will this time too.   

On a practical note, I trust that you do know how to keep yourself safe.  Is there danger that you won't be able too? 

E

  
On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 1:15 PM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:

  Your confidence in me sort of blows my mind, in a very good way.

  We're trying to decide if Richard should mail my memoir-in-progress with a note from him attached saying that if she dies before I do without admitting and healing the abuse it will annihilate me. And I truly believe it will. Coming from him it might have an impact, but probably not. If reading my book doesn't open her eyes to what she's doing to me, nothing will.

  I have no worries that sending it would cause any of them to contact us again (unless it's for the reasons I requested), because they have finally honored my wishes for no contact. I learned this on Anna's birthday this weekend when my ex-mom didn't send her a card for the first time in history. I got drunk and called my mom on Monday because it turns out that was a trigger for me that I didn't realize, nor did I realize I would even think to call her let alone do it. I got the assurance that they won't contact us, even though she still claims not to understand why. When I gently mentioned her abuse of me, she denied it and hung up on me. She also minimizes the abuse by my father.

  Do you think I should make an appointment with you to discuss what I should do? I've had chest pains and heart-palpitations for a few days because of that evil woman.

             Judy

 On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 3:00 PM, Emily Ziegler wrote:

You are certainly more than welcome to come in for an appointment, if you think it'd be helpful.  Likely, I'll keep saying what I have been about your FOO (your Mom in particular):  I don't know if she has the capacity or the ability to admit to herself, much less to you, what either she or your Dad did.  To have your healing contingent on someone else's awareness/insight/perspective/etc. leaves you in a very vulnerable spot.  Maybe a note from Richard and maybe your memoir would prompt some response on her part but...I have a feeling that, no matter what she says now, it will be too little, too late to bring the closure you seek.  Her years of denial and minimization will undermine any apology or acknowledgment she offers now - no matter how sincere.  It might bring some brief relief or solace but I have doubts about the "staying power" of any apology given at this very late date. 

I am sorry to hear about Anna's birthday.  I know you've always wanted to keep the girls separate and it must be painful to see them impacted as well now.  With the exception of this, how has the drinking been going?

Let me know what you decide about coming in - typically you feel better by the time the appointment rolls around :)  That doesn't mean I wouldn't be more than happy to see you though!!

Take care of yourself Judy.  I know you want to be seen by your FOO but, if it never happens, you can survive it, should you chose to do so. 

E

 On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 4:46 PM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:

   Emily, You are a gem and a half. I may have to mail you 20 or 40 bucks; not for you as much as for me. Make sense?

   I will give your wise words a lot of thought and if I still can't decide whether it's in my personal best interests to have her read my book, regardless of it not helping, I'll make an appointment. I need to look deep inside myself and ask, "Is it really that important that I tell her in detail what a shitty mother she was to me and how much damage she did to me? Or is it noble to let her go? And can I live with that?" I mean, if roles were reversed I would want to know how I hurt someone.

   Also, I really do fear what it's going to do to me when she dies leaving things as they are, so I am beyond grateful that I can come in to see you then. Hopefully, I mean. It's life-saving knowing you are there to help me, Dr. Z. So, don't quit your practice, and don't move away. <wink>

   I've got my drinking down from up to 5 times a week to 2 times a week. This was able to happen once I got through a really heavy grieving period; grieving and PTSD. And I'm glad you asked me about my drinking. It's still a work in progress. I don't know if this latest episode will set me back a bit or not. Finger's crossed.

                                     xo, Judy

 On Fri, Apr 22, 2016 at 8:46 AM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:

​

   They are doing so well, I almost forgot to mention that Anna and Bethany are so over their grammy and my FOO, and have been since shortly after you met them back when. You'll remember that they were on their way to that point, and practically easily; because of what my FOO did/does to their mom. As sad as it is that they lost their family. As you know I was most worried about them and what it would do to them and that I ruined their lives. In fact, their strength gives me strength. So, we will be fine even if we never get any of our relatives back because of my evil ex-mother (she won't clear my name before she dies). My amazing daughters, and their dad, are also seeing the real progress I'm making with my drinking and are very supportive, albeit concerned at times. They Be My Barometers, you know! I still do my best not to impose on them when I'm drinking. It's important in our lives for me to talk to the girls periodically about my drinking progress.

Update: Both girls have internships in their chosen fields. : )  Beth (animation artist) graduated from AIC in September and went to work immediately. Anna (graphic designer) graduates from SDSU in the fall. Beth also has had a commission-based business she created, drawing requests for people, since she was 18 or 19. : )  She's 21 now.

God, I'm So Depressed And I Feel Like I'm Slowly Dying

I just don't think I can take anymore. My FOOs abuse and neglect of me my entire life has been slowly, painfully killing me. And so often I don't even have the will to live and wish I was never born and the only thing I have to live for are my precious, beloved daughters. But that I'm actually slowly dying of heartbreak and disease. And It's All Their Fault. And They Don't Even Give A Damn.

I Fear I'm In Danger

Somehow, I was triggered to get drunk and call my ex-mother last night on my oldest daughter's birthday. This came as a total shock and surprise to me. This morning I understand why I needed to do it though. I needed to learn for myself that if she dies before admitting and healing the abuse it's going to totally annihilate me. She and my now deceased father already destroyed me and my life and turned my relatives against me. She can't see this and she doesn't care.

I thought I was OK and I thought I was getting stronger. It has felt like my FOO is finally going to leave us alone and stop contacting us (unless, as I requested, it's to Feel Deal Heal). This gave me some new energy and life, and I could start visualizing my re-built future without a FOO. But, now I see that I didn't think about what it would do to me if she dies leaving things as they are. And I clearly see that that is exactly what she is going to do.

The conversation last night started out so jovial. I immediately started talking about Bernie. Mom was very surprised to hear from me, of course. I was buzzed on too much wine and cannabis and I was feeling happy. I loved learning that all of my FOO are supporting Bernie.

I was grateful to her for not sending Anna a birthday card----perhaps that's what triggered me to call her. It's the first time in our history she or any of them have honored my request from all four of us for no contact.

But then, when I bravely and gently brought up the reason for not wanting contact except to talk about and heal the abuse. SHE ONCE AGAIN DENIED EVER EMOTIONALLY ABUSING ME. I softly said, Yes, you did, mom. AND SHE HUNG UP ON ME.

She also minimizes the sexual abuse by my father.

ALL the relatives believe her. That's why I'm a pariah, a destroyed, heartbroken pariah. Because, in my FOO it was love and abuse in the same package to me. That is more crazy-making and confusing than abuse only.

The way she looked at me many years ago when we surprised her at her birthday party in Vegas per my sibling's invite. We hadn't seen her for a couple of years. My disposable Kodak caught her involuntary expression when she spotted me: Disappointment and Contempt. Two seconds later she was all smiles like nothing was wrong. I call this picture "Proof" because it's the first time I have some kind of evidence of what she really thinks of me:

The way We looked then:

I Love And Bless My FOO (family of origin) To Infinity And Beyond!

My Parents Is Warped Love

Pleased With The Header Change Above

Updating my blog header is good medicine after having yet another dream last night of being sexually abused by my father.

He's been dead nearly two decades yet he still invades my dreams regularly, as does the rest of my FOO. He appears as if in present-day and it's always mortifying and far too real to be just a dream.

It's part of my burden to bear due to them refusing to Feel Deal Heal with me.

On another note, boy did I score when I found this class!:

  Writing-As-A-Spiritual-Practice

Thank You Matt

The difference between a lightworker and a victim has nothing to do with the situations faced, but how one responds to the circumstances at hand. A lightworker uses their world of experiences to become the change they wish to see, while a victim is hurt by the actions of a world, while waiting for the change they have yet to become. On a spiritual level, a victim is a lightworker in training.  ~ Matt Kahn  

To Breathe

This is me starting to wake up from a very long nightmare and being able to get a glimmer of what a hero I actually am. How courageously brave it was of me to put myself into the lion's den that is my FOO (family of origin)..........

No wonder I'd been practically drowning myself in alcohol. But I'm not anymore.

The grieving and the PTSD would have done me in otherwise.

The suffering from the continued abuse and neglect they doled out on me would have killed me otherwise.

The stark realization of just how true it is that they destroyed me and my life would have been too overwhelming without drinking. (Thank you, alcohol, my friend.)

So, enough time has passed for me to start to really see and appreciate myself.

Oh My God the things I had to go through the past couple of years at their hands, in my millionth attempt to try to bring healing.

I failed at that, but I did finally get the whole truth about them. So now I can really be free.

Oh my god I hope I'll be able to find the words to describe it all one day.

But for now I am gleaning a new appreciation of myself, instead of feeling like a loser and a victim.

 

 

Still Here, For Now

Been so heavily grieving and in PTSD over my FOO (family of origin) for such a long time now.
Haven't been blogging here because my ex-mother and ex-sister read it, and that's toxic to my well-being and hinders my healing process.

There are no words to describe and express my emotional pain over all that is.

I Hate Them All So Much For All They Have Done To Me.
And, it's all SO SENSELESS and UNFATHOMABLE!

They literally DESTROYED me and my life, all the while telling me endlessly that they LOVE me.

It took me SO VERY LONG to get the Whole Truth because of the Love-and-Abuse in the same package, and the great charade they've put on.
I've been trying to bring communication and truth and healing to us for OVER THREE DECADES, but, at age 58 (I'm 59 now), I finally got the true picture of who they are and what they really think of me.

I gave them EVERY chance in the world, over and over again, to work things out. But they only ever refused. I'M EXPENDABLE TO THEM.

Incest, Emotional Abuse, Narcissism, Materialism = My FOO


There Is NO Hope