Perhaps the most shocking thing of all is that I got my family of origin back

What a beautiful, miraculous gift.
We're all feeling it.
More later.
I grow weary.

Sobrietist is enjoying some Crystal Head vodka

Yes, that is correct. Life is a personal journey. I've discovered that I enjoy drinking two or three times a year! No more than that for this body and brain; no more than that for this psyche; no more than that for the spiritual/physical/mental/emotional path I'm on. And that includes simply no desire for more than that!

This truly has been, and continues to be, My Year. I have finally found Inner Peace, Self Love, and Joy! It only took 56 and a half years! Now that I'm almost 57, I expect this New Me to continue! Not only to continue but to get better and better! I can say that with confidence because the Bliss has been consistent for many months. That does indeed include down times, but unlike any other time in my life, beneath the down is true self love and love of life and peace.

I should write a book!

Oh! I AM! It's a bute!

Aching to blog even though it's not about 9 11, which feels too emotional right now

  As crashy and fatigued as I am, with very little cognitive power, I miss blogging so much; here I am.

  There is so much to talk about. Some key points for now:

  The cyst that was on my thyroid for about five years, that had grown a bit; that endocrinologists wanted to biopsy for cancer; that I didn't do and trusted my inner guidance instead; is not only not growing -- it's GONE. It's because of the help I received from Dr. Heng in La Jolla (Scripps Clinic of Integrative Medicine). After watching the DVDs I lent her by Dr. Brownstein (www.drbrownstein.com), she agreed to switch me from Synthroid (after being on it for 20 years; which I believe made me much sicker) to NatureThroid, and agreed to my taking Iodoral (iodine/iodide supplement) which I slowly increased the dose of from 12.5 mg. to 25 mg. Also, switching to Unrefined Celtic Sea Salt (actually needed by the body). I've now increased my dosage of Iodoral to 31.5 mg. Why? Because my Hashimotos is getting better too, and my hypothyroid is too.

   VERY HAPPY! AND GRATEFUL!

  Oh bother; short term memory is so bad right now I forgot the other key points to talk about...

Correction

  Whatever you do, do NOT use ThreeLac to treat candida, and don't trust the folks at candidasupport; they're probably misguided. I did the kind of research I should have done before I spent all the money on the products and used them for a couple months. I trust Dr. Mercola, www.mercola.com. I'm trying true colloidal silver now. Note the word "true."

  I'm feeling too crashy to elaborate on any of this.

Candida! Who knew?

Almost everyone has it, and most don't know. Forget about drugs and especially forget about the so-called candida diet. Go here: www.candidasupport.org, and also here: www.candidafree.com. Especially the first one; it's a good place to start. Take the free quick tests, read up at the website. I'm taking Threelac now, and already feel better. After I cure my candida and thrush, I'm moving to the next step:

Equilibrant to kill the enterovirus-caused CFS!  Per Dr. John Chia in Torrance, California. He cured his son of CFS. His long-time work and research confirms that CFS is caused by enteroviruses.

I believe it. I'm grateful to have the truth after nearly 16 years suffering with CFS. It's NOT an autoimmune disease. Google him! Watch his YouTube interviews with... I forget his name; he's with CO-CURE.

Don Draper ("Mad Men") is a skank

But, if I want to stay away from judgmental labels, I'd say he is terrified of emotional intimacy. He has the opportunity to achieve such with his wife because they are friends as well as sexually compatible lovers; but he chooses to continue to run away from that, creating more emotional distance between them.

How can a person be truly happy unless they fully share themselves with another person? (The movie "The  Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" touches upon that.) Otherwise, you feel empty inside. You turn to something outside your relationship to try and meet your needs; gaining only a temporary fix or distraction from your loneliness. Which is perfectly human though. If you are lucky, and find someone who is your best friend as well as your sexually compatible lover; there's the opportunity to achieve true emotional intimacy if you open yourself up totally to one another. Think of the stability and security in that. Think of the powerful interdependence. And the personal strength, confidence, and independence each person would gain individually. Think how healthy that would be! There are fortunate folks who achieve this kind of completeness.

Twin souls do for sure. Well, duh; they share a soul; each person half of the same soul. Wouldn't this make great fiction? Even though I believe it's real. But reallllly think about it; how goooood it would feel to be in a committed relationship with someone you had it ALL with; love, friendship, trust, respect, great and fulfilling sex, total openness--like almost no secrets--getting to share all of yourself with---be totally your true self with---allowing your true natures to flourish. Hey!--It could happen! I'd love to see Don Draper figure that out so he could finally be happy. ha ha.

Or

Maybe I should be writing romance novels.

 

I want to be more like Whoopi Goldberg

Whoopi is super comfortable in her own skin. She deeply loves herself, and it shows. She loves her body! She embraces her size without shame or embarrassment. She's a big, beautiful woman; but she doesn't come across as, or appear as overweight! Know what I mean? She loves food, loves to eat, and is confident in being open about that. She dresses comfortably at all times, in a style of clothing that's all her own. (Love that shoe collection! Can those be comfortable though?? She probably has them specially made comfortable; with all that money of hers!) She has a whole lot of friends. She is completely, and I mean completely, HAPPY being single and sleeping alone! She views that as a privilege! She couldn't live without her sex toys! She probably has her fleshly boy toys though---and even girl toys! (Oh, Whoopi!) She loves her weed and is open about that too; and it doesn't interfere in her life. She doesn't drink anymore; not for years. She's a major humanitarian and philanthropist. She's funny as hell. she's sometimes controversial. She's totally unapologetic about who she is. She tells it like it is; very outspoken, and forthright, and authentic. She doesn't give a flying fuck what anybody thinks of her! She's a good person. She's not perfect. She's truly happy!

Hope to break my anonymity publicly

I have good reasons for being anonymous to the public, as I explained in my beginning posts. But I can see that changing in the near future because things are blossoming for me as a writer. I hope to put my name out there and connect with other writers, even authors.

I found an editor who is going to help me with my book. I found her in my own backyard at San Diego Writers, Ink. I'd love to post her name, and once I'm not so gun shy, I will. It feels surreal to have written a book. You sometimes don't know how bad you want something until you get it. Or in this case; do it.

Something happened last Sunday that makes me feel still nervous about revealing too much about myself or my life in here. Of course, my book depicts why I've orphaned myself from my family of origin. (That still tears my heart out.) We've been estranged for so long, almost a year, that I really didn't expect to hear from any of them. I was counting on them respecting my wishes for estrangement. I was hoping against hope that they actually heard me for once when I explained what I needed.

It's proving hard to write about this, and I wish I wasn't. My sister called me Sunday night. First she called the home phone and my heart sank and raced at the same time. I'm strong. I'm convicted in my commitment to myself. I didn't answer. She didn't leave a message. That is a first in our entire long lives. Then she called my cell phone. No message. Then she called the home phone again. She nervously choked out a message that she was coming to San Diego at the end of the month and wanted to see me. She said, "I love you." Less than 30 minutes later she called the home phone again and left an almost identical message. Drunk dialing?? I thought she was done drinking like me.

Luckily for me, my ex-husband-to-be and co-parent and best friend was here at the time. If he hadn't been, I'm certain a panic attack would have been in order for me. He held my hand--literally, and listened to me talk about the situation, and guided me in how to handle it. I chose to send a very brief, to-the-point email to my sister because I thought it would make her stop calling--which was causing me a LOT of stress, and it would prevent her from coming over to my house when she's in town. The email said I didn't want to see her or talk to her, please don't contact me again. That I made it very clear to mom in our last conversation what I needed from my family. That I wish her well always. I ended it with goodbye, and deliberately not with I love you because I finally figured out that those three words have been way too abused in my family.

Well, I already pretty much know that what I said to my mom back in June never was shared with anyone in the family, let alone registering in her mind; she didn't hear me, I know. Nonetheless, I had to say that to my sister for clarification about my mindset.

P.S. to post below

I want to make it clear about morning energy cuz it's not like I wake up with it! Oh contrare. I wake up feeling like what I call the living dead. I wake up feeling like the living dead. Every single morning for the past 15+ years. It takes me about 30 minutes to muster up the energy and strength to sit up and get out of bed.

Life is good

I FINISHED MY BOOK! Now it's editor-ready. It was a year of blood, sweat and tears writing it. It's about my long healing journey from abuses in my core family. It's written with so much love. It started out in hopefulness of finally bringing reconciliation to me and them, but ended in the apparent awareness that it is probably an obituary to my relationships with them. It will give my daughters an understanding of why things are the way they are when I feel they are old enough to read it. It gave me closure writing it. I feel free to live my life now. It will hopefully inspire other survivors to find their own voices, in order to Feel Deal Heal.

I got my first laptop and I'm lovin' it. Laptop virgin no more. 56 is old to never have had a laptop, huh! It's making my life with CFS so much more bearable, so much less boring from life mostly in bed.

It's Monday morning, I just finished my tall dark roast Starbucks coffee with heavy cream, and now I must get my breakfast (Amy's gluten-free organic bean burrito)(yum!), take my many supplements, and get on with my morning errands. I get to get a lot done in the mornings when I have some energy. I feel really lucky about that.

Will it ever change?

I just got a huge slap in the face from someone who I thought "got it" about CFS (www.cfidsassociation.org). She was my personal trainer several years ago. I am among the fortunate 5% of cfs patients who can exercise at all. Taking on a trainer was a bold and brave move on my part because of the cfs. I did my best to train her that I could not push myself, that I have to follow my body's lead. As a PT I know that went against her core, but she was as amiable as possible.

I won't go into details about the symptoms or reasons why exercise can be perilous or about post exertional malaise or CFS crashes.

Cut to the present. I'm 55 now (56 this month), my metabolism has slowed even more, my body has changed, etc. I hadn't talked to Nicole for a really long time, but I see her at the gym. I texted her a Happy New Year and an update that after 6 months on no gluten, low sugar, only 1600 calories a day, and exercising about 6 days a week---not one single pound lost. And that I decided to simply embrace my fatness.

She flagged me down at the gym today and we had a conversation. I couldn't believe what was coming out of her mouth. She was spewing the same thing at me that the rest of society thinks about us: we're lazy, we're liars, it's a psychological problem. But she was very kind and non-attacking or judgmental about it. She kept pushing me to exercise more, eat less, etc. etc. She simply could not "hear" me.

I left there feeling defeated, more alone, sad, depressed.

I told my daughter what happened and I instantly felt better because of her love and support.

Since Thanksgiving I have enjoyed the freedom of not having to count calories or worry about what I eat. And I haven't gained a single pound either.
I don't think I'll ever be able to shed this extra 25 lbs. due to my thyroid and cfs. Even doctors haven't been able to help me. I followed their protocols.

Hello, my rebound blog!

I think I want to make a commitment to you (that is, to myself), to post at least once a week. I’m ready to do this for myself to keep tabs on myself because it helps me develop myself as a writer. I’m ready to put the past behind me; the annihilation of my previous long-time blog, not be concerned whether I have any readers or not, and just blog for ME.

Onto random thoughts today.

I never had Facebook, Twitter, a laptop, or a Smartphone!

I have a shared pc with my daughters, and I have my long-time Alphie that I will always love. That’s my AlphaSmart word processor.

This is the year I finish my first book!

It’s actually going to happen!

What I’ll do with it, I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. It only matters that I wrote it because doing so saved my life.

I’m blessed to be part of momwriters.com. It’s sustained me for over a decade—even longer than my previous blog. The women there never judged me, never turned their backs on me, accept me exactly as I am. Momwriters get to go quiet on the list without question. We “get it” because we are all writers. We don’t have to be accountable to the list!

How I love MomWriters.

I’m almost 1-year-in as a Permanent Sobrietist! Which will happen on my 56^th birthday!

The reason I am anonymous on my blog is to hide-out from my core family!

But perhaps in the near future I’ll be able to be unconcerned whether they read my blog or not.

I’m also anonymous, don’t do Followers, or comments this time because of my bad experience with my CFS community. It’s explained in early posts. I may change my mind about that later too when I’ve done more healing.