Writing Is My Therapy

These are my feelings now that may or may not pass.
They've been with me all day.
There were no altercations or collisions --- and I've been nothing but a Love Bug to my FOO since bringing them back into my life --- but today I feel like I, and this is heavy, betrayed myself by sharing photos of our wonderful camping trip to the redwoods with people that don't truly like or appreciate me! And that has me quite depressed. And contemplative.

I Wasn't "Judged" But I Was Politely Ignored

 So, I posted this P.S. at my loving spiritual community's Writer's Facebook page; to my post that had the link to my blog post about my married friend:


Just a crazy writer going out on a limb again, I guess!, finally not afraid to tell her story. In my real world, everyone knows everything and is cool with all. It's a remarkable story of love, determination, dedication, healing, and hard-won lessons. It's what happens when you find your twin soul but you're both married to other people, and both marriages are already experiencing separation. And how, ultimately, because of how love creates more love, both marriages grow closer and stronger. It's an impossible win/win story! And it's mine! 

I'm Proud Of My Previous Post, But I'm Delaying Logging-On To Facebook To See Any Reactions To It!

I am very proud of my post below. I'm proud of my life. I'm proud of myself. I don't overly care what anyone else thinks of me, I only care what I think of me. I love the people in my life very much. I want the freedom to be able to express that love for each and every one of them, regardless of our life-situation or circumstances.

I'm tired of living in secrecy and shame when I'm not even doing anything wrong. Especially given that there are no secrets among my loved ones and me. We are open and honest with one another.

As a writer it is so important to me to tell my truth. You can't even be a good writer if you don't do that. And as a mother it is important to me to be real with my daughters, now in college. And their dad is my best friend and always has been. As a lightworker it's very important to me to be as authentic as possible, warts and all.

I'm going to need some time to process what I've done here yesterday before I feel confident enough to log-on to Facebook, where I posted to certain people about my married man, because in my experience, the three women friends I trusted at different times over the past 12 years with my truth, ended up hating on me for it, and are no longer my friends. They just couldn't see beyond their own judgments into my heart and soul, or his, for that matter.

All I know is how good and how needed it feels for me to write this --- but I do need time to process! Like I think I ought to psyche myself up first in case there are judgments coming my way. I also need to get over my hangover, darn it, I did it again!

OHH how I'm looking forward to our road trip to the REDWOODS on Tuesday!!! Speaking for myself, I need a vacation like nobody's business. My last vacation was in 2007. That's just too long.

 

You Wouldn't Like Me If You Knew I Am In Love With A Married Man, Would You

My imagined post on Facebook!
How I yearn to go public....

Are you fucking kidding me?!
I've wanted to go public since I found him in 2003!

I was mercilessly cyber-bulled by Leigh, whom I trusted, for my truth that I shared with her; and her bullying went on and on and on for many pm's and emails... that and for drinking (she's an AA Nazi, unbeknownst to me prior).

He was my high school crush
We accidentally found each other 30 YEARS later on classmates.com when it was brand new (2003)
For the past decade though, we've been getting to know each other as strictly platonic friends
Over the phone
He lives 600 miles away

He's in a solid, healthy marriage
I am too, even though my spouse and I have been separated for about 15 years

Life Is Funny

Especially the part about that I'm not allowed to celebrate my Pure Love for both men, but specifically for my married friend. I'm not permitted to. It's not allowed in society...

No Wonder I Always Said, "The Older The Better!" When I Was Growing Up

This is a post about my pride and gratitude for the totally unexpected --- even impossible --- positive turns of life; with me at the helm. (Universal "me" because we are all One and when one of us heals, we all do.) (There must be trillions of bits of healing that can happen to each one of us. So when I say we are all healed, I mean a megabyte of healing has taken place. And it's probably permanent, for this is the new paradigm.)

How's that for deep? I don't know who of my close loved ones would grasp such teachings! I'm kinda out there on a limb all by my lonesome! I mean, amongst my close loved ones! Peeps in my spiritual Facebook community would totally resonate. I'm so not alone. I'm so not crazy.

I've learned how to fully enjoy drinking alcohol, and I've learned how to drink only moderately. I've completely DEFIED AACult, who started defying me in my mid 20s with their toxic bullshit brainwashing about myself; who caused me so much more harm than good; who caused me to become a much worse problem drinker because they not only made me want to drink, they made me believe I was an alcoholic. Deeply so in the worst sense. Is it any wonder that CultAA is responsible for hundreds of suicides?!

But I digress, sort of. I'm not here to expose the truth about CultAA, I'm here to Celebrate Me! Because the world needs much much more of that. Celebrate Yourself. Uplift consciousness by plying yourself and others with Compliments and Blessings. Do It! Do it now! :)

My Living Journal

It feels so good to have my blog. I'm so grateful for its friendship. I really mean that. As far as I know I'm the only one who reads it, and I not only don't mind that, I kind of relish in that. It's like my own private publication. Maybe I'm ready to write in it more often and just allow myself that freedom.

Been thinking today how I've finally decided that what I really am in this lifetime is a lazy bum! And that I actually like that! If I am, well, I fought loving it, I fought surrendering to the truth of that up until very recently.

I mean, I get bored and restless a lot forced to live this mostly sedentary lifestyle due to disease, and those are the times I can sort of hate on myself, unfortunately. Especially when I consider that I don't have to be bored and restless if I took myself seriously as a writer and just wrote for hours a day.

But that is just Too Much To Ask of myself (yet)! So, what's the positive alternative? EMBRACING MY LAZY BUMNESS, that's what! (and that twisted voice inside that criticizes me for wasting my time by writing all day, and that somehow watching shows and movies instead is OK!)

Thank GodGoddessUniverse I believe that we simply can not get it wrong in life, no matter what! Because whatever we're doing we're doing for the experience of it as eternal beings; as a way for consciosness to experience being a Lazy Bum, for example! God says, "That's way cool! Let's do absolutely nothing for a lifetime! Let's see what that's like!" After all, God wants to do it all, and does. And we, as immortal seeds of God have all of eternity to "get it right" and to experience absolutely EVERYTHING we want to experience.

No, I'm not under the influence of pot or booze! This is just raw me!

Writing Practice

Just because it feels so good to write. That's what being a writer is to me.

I'm super crashy right now. An ME/CFS crashy. So it's difficult even to keep my eyes open. the fatigue, exhaustion, muscle weakness, even the tinnitus --- leave me so deflated. It even hurts to think because it's too much exertion.

Nonetheless, I'm happy.

Good thing I know "I Don't Have To Get My Way To Be Happy!"

:D

And just so grateful the the difficult, discordant recent experiences only served to make me happier and stronger --- and so quickly too! 

The crash will pass quickly and soon enough I'll be "my" normal again; fatigued and such but able to function "my" normal; so not like a healthy person's normal!

My crashes are fewer and shorter lasting you know. Mostly because of Structured Water. :D 
 

Sometimes I'm Just Too Sensitive For My Own Good

Like a feather blowing in the wind, I float back and forth between black and white thinking depending on what forces are at play on my psyche.

Gray is best. I need to practice in-between thinking so I can get good at it.

Feeling truly brutalized by that strange woman, who just won't stop emailing me, attacking me on different areas of my life. Total lies from her, yet it still has a big effect on me. After all, I now know myself to be an Energetically Sensitive Being.

The bottom line is, her dark energy aside that made me want to drink too much.... I don't need to be a Puritan. I need to embrace moderation in all things.

I believe in myself to achieve this because I already have achieved this with food, sugar, freedom from the victim-mentality that all incest and emotional abuse survivors have to heal from, peace, harmony, and best-friendship with my separated husband, and a degree of healing from the debilitating disease of ME/CFS. I've turned my life around on so many levels. ...Even coffee! From lots to only 8 oz. a day and lovin' that!

I do feel that alcohol is my only weakness, and that even though my use of it has improved over the decades, it still often makes me feel unhappy with myself the next day after I drink it. I'm going to keep trying because I really don't want to be a teetotaler. What I choose is to be mostly a teetotaler, with the freedom to drink occasionally. Doesn't that sound healthy?!

The only reason it's even up for debate here is because of being so brainwashed and harmed by the cult of AA that I'm an alcoholic, which I'm probably not, but my deep psyche still believes I am. It's a set-up for failure. When I was young and extremely impressionable that cult got hold of me and probably turned a problem drinker into an alcoholic. There is so much research out there supporting this theory. Had the proper help and support been available instead, I would have learned better coping skills and how to moderate my drinking; as well as help dealing with my emotional issues at the time.

Out of SPITE at this time for that woman who doesn't even know me but slammed me with her repeated AA-Nazi attacks, I changed my mind about becoming a non-drinker again! Can you blame me?! I'm fairly confident she has finally moved on to find another victim, but just because she "made me" drink too much is no reason to give up on myself... I'll not let her erroneous influence make me think I have to choose abstinence.

If I choose to be alcohol-free again it has to be on my terms born of my desire. After all, my drinking is not a problem for anyone in my life! Wow, that bitch's self-righteousness and her demeaning me as a woman really got to me. .....

OK! This Too Shall Pass!

I Can See No Reason Not To Tell The Truth About My Drinking --- Especially Given That I'm Re-Embracing Sobriety

Yesterday, a new friend who is now an ex-friend, bullied me about my drinking and shoved AA down my throat even after I told her AA is a bad match for me. (That tends to be the way AAers roll; it's classic Cult mentality.)

She made me want to drink too much, just the way AA always made me want to drink. Until yesterday, I was secretly (except from Richard), drinking moderately occasionally.

Yesterday's drinking was so wrong for me it propelled me into choosing to be alcohol-free again, happily. (So there was a gift in the bullying.)

I've always been my happiest as a Sobrietist. In the past three decades I've been mostly sober. I do go on drinking binges. My last longest alcohol-free period was all of 2012. In 2013 and 2014 I was successfully moderating aprox. once a month. 2015 has been another story for whatever reasons.

I'm tired of trying to be a successful moderate drinker. The Recovery Movement Mentality is not healthy for me, and that includes groups like AA and WFS. I found out the hard way. Over the decades I've been in almost every recovery group created. The worst part about them is how they accidentally teach you to become dependent on them for your sobriety. That's been dangerous and unproductive for me. Quitting an addiction is an inside job and 2/3 of the population quits an addiction on their own. And the "dry drunk" mentality created by AA is a myth. It was created to brainwash people into being dependent on the group. The times I've lived as a sober woman without group support have been the most fulfilling times.

So, I'm writing this with a horrible hangover and lots of guilt for drinking too much. I drank a little more than 1 bottle of champagne... telling myself I was celebrating letting go of a toxic friendship, and also feeling strongly that she made me want to drink.

 

   And all is well!

I Didn't Mean It

  He's not withholding his love from me

  If anything

  He's withholding his love from himself

The Only Guarantee of Happily Ever After --- romantically speaking

If you read the classic, "The Camino" by Shirley MacLaine

You may have learned, like I did

That even reuniting with your Twin Soul on this earthly plane

Doesn't guarantee your happiness!

In my way of thinking

The only guarantee of Happiness is knowing

"I Don't Have To Get My Way To Be Happy!"

Email To My Very Possible Twin Soul. Subject: It Makes Me Want To Write

   Back to my binge-watching of Californication, and it really makes me want to pause and write something. Where better to start than with my missing Muse? It's a good series, I'm glad I re-found it. I love the changes in me since watching it once a week on TV back in 2011 or 2012, when I stopped watching it. And you know why. I love how I've changed and grown and matured emotionally. I'm not judgmental anymore, not of any character or any action. I relate to everyone's emotions... and I'm super grateful I don't have to live like they do!!!!!!! :) Happiness is so totally on the inside, dude. It doesn't matter how I "have" to live my life, where I go, what I do, how much money I have, how much success. I am finding just as much happiness right here right now just as I am. It's fun to fantasize about livin' large and stuff! That's kind of a blast! But I don't envy anyone who does. I swear to Jesus, right now I don't fucking envy anyone anywhere! How Cool Is That?! What more could a human ask for? :) WwowW, man, something sure is working in my life, huh! I suppose I could make millions if I could teach it to the world, huh! After all, no one ever said she was against making money. Oh contraire. I look forward to ALL the Abundance GodGoddessUniverse brings me. Oooops, sorry, forgot I was talking to an atheist! The atheist who loves to remind me every time he calls me that he is one! HeeHee. Keep doing it, it delights all my senses. I still feel like you and I could conversate forever. And I use that word on purpose because I like it and my momwriters hate it. I have respect you know?, Respect for the black community, brutha! And I know you do too!

   I can write you anything you want: a love story, a sex story, philosophy, health, anything. Hmm. Can I write anything I want? Should I just do it? And let the chips fall where they may? I Respect you, man, and you know this. It's up to me to free my Writer. It's not up to you, I'm not waiting for that. Never. I'd never wait for something that isn't mine. Good grief, how would doing that even work?! Although, my history, I wait. I wait for men who aren't even mine. I no longer feel wounded by that though! I've healed. I understand why I did it, without judging myself. I better know who I am now. That's why I commented on Lena Dunham's Tweet about, well, wait, let me see if I can find it...

1. Lena Dunham ‏@lenadunham May 23

   I can't wait to grow old and I can also speak to how youth is fetishized/commodified, until your age is your sexiest detail. I'm so over it.

Judy Acton Ayala‏@JudyActonAyala May 23

@lenadunham I've always felt that way too. "The older the better!" At 58 and ill I still feel that way, Lena! Can't wait for more gray hair!

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    There! How Cool Is That! It's extra cool because I only go on Twitter maybe once a month and stay for about 10 minutes. It's just not my thang. Not yet anyway.

    It's way cool having a celebrity see you, hear you, acknowledge you, favorite you! She's an accomplished writer, author, actor, director, at barely over two decades old! I feel a bit maternal towards her, I must say.

 

I Posted This On Facebook Today -- Original Words And Photo

ETERNITY
We ALL Get To Create Anything And Everything We Want
Love, GodGoddessUniverse