OK I Get It

I'm safe to feel depressed. I'm safe to be sad. 
The reason I feel these things is because I'm safe and it's safe to feel this way!
Thanks, Matt Kahn!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDFzisJBEb8&list=UUHyGxx33FQ2cbZqPMh4hi_Q 

Needing To Cultivate Safety

I am understandably in and out of depression over not having a FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) and over how badly things ended.

A Beautiful Story Of A Personal Healing... From An Unexpected Source!

I feel happy
I feel strong 
I feel peaceful 
I feel unencumbered 
I am healed right now!

Thank You My Wonderful Richard!
We may be separated, but we are still family!
The true meaning of family: Love, Caring, Nurturing that comes from the heart and soul and not out of any sort of obligation!
I didn't even have to ask, you just gave.

Last night on the phone Richard reached-out to my inner child in such a profound way through "hearing" her, loving her, and crying for her and with her, and it was so pure and so present-moment, and there was stillness, and there was breathing---

My scared, hurt, broken inner child felt so safe, loved, and protected, it completely healed my pain over what happened with my mother and my brother (my so-called mother, and my so-called brother), and it completely transmuted my NEED to impose on my daughters by asking them to estrange themselves from my FOO (family of origin).

Prior to the healing, my inner child was in so much suffering that it felt imperative that I protect her fully by never exposing her to those toxic-to-me people's presence. That meant not having to see them interact with my daughter on Facebook, or have cards or packages arrive for them at our home.

That ALL CAPS inner-child TEMPER TANTRUM I allowed her to send to my so-called mother turned out to be the BEST thing I could have done for her/myself.  And so was that email I sent to my so-called brother.

You know what? As a mother, I can't even imagine how my mother could have ever allowed things to go this far. At the first sign of my daughters feeling hurt by me or angry at me, I would be there for them. I would want to know what I did and I would do whatever it took to ease their pain. I would own my stuff, and I would apologize profusely. I would love and nurture them and tell them how precious they are and how much I love them.

This Is Taking Its Toll, But I'm On The Right Track And Will Shine In The End

GOD am I depressed this morning!
The weight of everything sinking in and pressing down on me.
Processing everything my psychologist said to me last night. She is so wonderful.
Feeling the tragic heartbreak over not having a foo+ (family of origin and relatives). 
Saying those harsh (but true) things to my beloved brother and mother yesterday (posts below).
Having to figure out whether or not to ask my daughters to estrange themselves from my foo (my core family only)....
I've always protected them from the drama before and I never brought them into it before, and Emily (therapist) thinks I'll regret it if I bring them into it now (girls are 20s).
The four of us Ayalas are having a very important Family Pow Wow Sunday to discuss everything.
We always really listen to one another, and care about each others' feelings and perspectives, and honor them.
We'll figure it out.
But I don't think I can ENDURE seeing "them" interact with Bethany on Facebook anymore!
And I don't think I can HANDLE seeing gifts and cards to my daughters arriving in the mail from "them" anymore!
And I think I DESERVE peace and freedom after 57and3/4 years of "torture" at the hands of my foo.
Emily thinks I CAN endure it and handle it and that I should...

LOST

Email From My Brother And My Reply To Him

I almost never hear from my brother, David. Backstory: we were so close as little kids they called us two teddy bears. Our mom put an end to that real quick--I put all the pieces together as an adult. He and I have been distant and at odds ever since. He and his mother are very close and he is the apple of her eye, and the sun and the moon and the stars rise and set on him. Not only has David never shown me acknowledgement or support for the incest by our dad and emotional abuse by our mom, or for my serious chronic illness the past two decades, he has been downright cruel and belittling to me.

Regarding his email today, I can only surmise that it is because for the first time in our lives I told my family, via that email to my mom in the previous post, not to contact my girls (or me). David has never been there in any way the times I've told my foo (family of origin) not to contact me.

His seemingly innocent email, seemingly out of the blue:

Judy,

It’s been awhile.

Life continues to be great here in the Pacific Northwest.  I had another “clean bill of health” report from my doctor yesterday.  I hope all is well with you J.

Cheers,

David

Note: After being orphaned from my foo+ for 1 1/2 years, Richard was called by my mom when David got cancer a year ago. I wept like a baby. I was there for him, supporting him, calling on Archangel Raphael to heal him. David did miraculously fully recover halfway through his chemo treatments. And he only had a 40% chance of survival.
None of this brought us closer, and he continues to turn his back on me regarding my ME/CFS, saying, "I don't care about your CFS" and "It's better to pretend it doesn't exist.

My email response to his email above:

  This is manipulative and dishonest and a clear passive/aggressive reaction to the email I sent to your mother.

  When have you EVER cared or shown me you cared about how things are with me or my health?!

  Don't force me to send that email to you... just NEVER CONTACT ME OR MY FAMILY EVER AGAIN. THIS GOES FOR ALL OF YOU.

  I have reached my limit of being abused, neglected, and expendable by my foo+ (family of origin and relatives), now that my girls are college age and can know the truth and understand and support me.

  I tried the hardest I possibly could for my entire adult life to bring communication, truth, forgiveness, and healing to my foo+. No one listened. No one cared. I'm DONE.

  You may all continue to tell the world that I'm sick and crazy and created problems that aren't there if it makes you feel better about yourselves. I just don't care.

        Judy

  The six cousins get to have each other. All the kids are innocent ​in all of this and always will be.

IT ONLY TOOK ME NEARLY 58 YEARS TO SAY WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID

As sick and tragic as it is, I took a deep breath and SENT this email to my mother.
I have nothing left to lose---but my unhappiness and stress, etc.
I don't think I'll bother posting the thoughtful email I had sent to her and her ridiculous, hurtful email response to me that prompted this:
NOTE: I have spent my entire adult life trying to bring communication, truth, forgiveness, and healing to my family. That's too long. No one has ever met me halfway. I'm expendable to them, you see. And now that my girls are in college, I can finally fully tell it like it is and set myself FREE.

   ENOUGH!!!

    NO MORE OF YOUR SICK AND TWISTED PATRONIZING CONDESCENDING BULLSHIT!!!

    YOU WERE, ARE, AND ALWAYS WILL BE A HORRIBLE, ABUSIVE, NEGLECTFUL MOTHER TO ME​!!!

    AND YOU ARE THE REASON MY RELATIVES TURNED THEIR BACKS ON ME!!!

    YOU TAUGHT EVERYONE LIES ABOUT ME TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK GOOD!!!

    YOU AND DAD ARE THE REASON I DEVELOPED BPD AND ACTED-OUT!!!

    YOUR NARCISSISM AND BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER HAS TORMENTED ME MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

    YOU HAVE NEVER LIKED ME OR LOVED ME!!!

    YOU HAVE NEVER "SEEN" ME OR "HEARD" ME!!!

    YOU HAVE NEVER EVER CARED ABOUT MY FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, OR ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!

    YOU HAVE NEVER VALUED ME OR RESPECTED ME AS A PERSON!!!

    YOU HAVE NEVER CARED ABOUT MY CHRONIC ILLNESS!!!

    YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED YOU!!!

    YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!!!

    NEVER EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN ANY OF YOU!!!

    YOU ARE TOXIC AND YOU CAUSE ME NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE AND PAIN!!!

    NEVER EVER DRAG ME BACK INTO THE FAMILY AGAIN BECAUSE YOU ALL NEED YOUR SCAPEGOAT TO FURTHER ABUSE AND BLAME FOR EVERYTHING!!!

    YOUR GRANDDAUGHTERS HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU BUT THEY HATE YOU NOW BECAUSE OF THE WAY YOU TREAT THEIR MOTHER!!! DO YOU "GET" THAT?!!

    LEAVE US ALL ALONE!!! NEVER CONTACT ANY OF US AGAIN!!!

    IF ANNA AND BETHANY EVER WANT TO THEY WILL CONTACT YOU!!!

GOODBYE

On The Other Hand

I was so grateful I broke with tradition yesterday, I broke the estrangement to text message my mom and tell her thank you.

I don't feel great about how things went though.

Me: Thank you for remembering Beth's birthday. It's not like you to be late. I confess I thought the worst

Mom: never have never will

Me: Surely you can understand my feelings

Mom: No

Me: Well, that hurts but I love you

Mom: Love you too


Well, she's never understood me or my feelings so why start now?
I mean, it's so weird. Given all that happened she can't see how I'd make a connection to her card being late for the first time in our lives?
My feelings aren't valid?
I took the time, and cared enough to connect with her, but that too means nothing?
Can't even get an acknowledgement of ANYthing.

I AM SO HAPPY TO EAT MY WORDS!

  A card arrived in the mail today!
  It is the first time in history their Grammy has been late in sending a card!
  It's at least four days late, because usually (always!) her cards arrive up to a week early.
  Bethany's birthday was four days ago. 
  I Am So Grateful My Mom Came To Her Senses

   I Love My Mom

Just Need To Sort Some Things Out In My Head

I don't think anyone reads my blog anyway, so I'm writing it for me like a journal. Nothing wrong with that, and it's comforting for me. Not to mention that I see it as writing practice. I'm not writing my book lately, I'm stuck, I'm trying to process some recent hurtful events from my foo+ (family of origin and relatives). It's one thing that my nephew, Sean, unfriended me on Facebook, I discovered the other day. That was out of the blue and hurt like hell. I adore him and I thought he felt the same about me. I guess my foo got to him. But it's another thing entirely that my mother didn't acknowledge Bethany's birthday. It's shocking, unfathomable, unforgivable? There's no one in my foo+ I can talk to about this either.*

My mother's love for me has always been Conditional love, but I never ever thought even she was capable of having anything but Unconditional love for her granddaughters. She's never missed a birthday. Since Anna and Bethany were born she's sent cards and gifts or money. Anna's 22nd birthday was in April, and right on time as usual, a card and 50 bucks arrived in the mail. 

So, why do I surmise that Bethany's beloved Grammy shunned her? Simply because my girls declined their Grammy's invitation to fly them up at Christmas to see a show with their Grammy and her six grand-kids. Is that sick and sad or what?! I didn't know that my mother was capable of sinking this low. I do know that she's not capable of ever asking herself the question, "What might I have done to make them feel this way?", and that maybe her granddaughter's have an important life lesson for her. And that maybe she should stop and look at herself and how she's been treating their mother all her life.

But no, all that is going on is my foo+'s continuing and growing dislike of me, and blame of me. And now it's affecting my innocent daughters.

I have to keep going back to saying the prayer of Radical Forgiveness that I learned from Matt Kahn.
I have to keep saying out loud, and I've shared this with Anna and Bethany too, 

I allow the soul of Fay Roberts to be pardoned and set free now as I Am. And so it is.
Or,
I allow the soul of Mom to be pardoned and set free now as I Am. And so it is.

And the girls can say it using "Grammy" in it.



It has to be right to write this, and even post it, because my depression has lifted in doing so. I need to stop trying to protect people who have never protected me. I need to keep using my voice and speaking my truth. All I have EVER asked for and wanted is communication, truth, forgiveness, and healing.

*A "long lost" cousin, the sole soul in my entire foo+ to ever show me support, has shown me support since I joined Facebook (she is so brave!), and that and she is a miracle! I won't approach her about these latest events out of respect to her. But I know if she knew about them, she would care deeply.

O.U.C.H.

Today it's sinking in or hitting hard the reality that there is absolutely no hope left that I will ever have my foo+ (family of origin and relatives). The emotional pain is unbearable. For over three decades...THREE DECADES!...I've been trying so hard to bring healing and reconciliation to my foo+ and me, and I never ever gave up hope. Even when I was writing my memoir the whole time it was with the intention of bringing us back together.

The cold, hard reality that that will never happen has only recently been made aware to my mind, heart, and soul. Earlier posts explain a lot. And for some unknown reason today all this is hitting me. Hitting hard.

I have no foo+. I'm an orphan. It's out of my hands. There's no hope. My foo abused and abandoned me and my relatives turned their backs on me. That really is what happened. And by my foo I was accused of having a victim mentality but I was a victim. So then they abused me some more for what they made me.

It's not that cut and dry, of course, but in a nutshell (appropriate word) that really is the crux of it and I give myself permission to say so without fear of reproach.

There was love and abuse in the same package and I grieve for the loss of love.

I'm so alone.

Thank GodGoddessUniverse for my Real family; Richard and the girls, and for my friends, my spiritual teachers, and my therapist.

I have to begin rebuilding my life in a whole new way, albeit while struggling with a debilitating chronic illness that is stigmatized. More rejection.

It's going to be a hell of a book when I'm through with it. It's going to be good! I won't get the happy ending I wanted, but I'm going to give myself my own happy ending in this life.