Understanding Is Coming To Me About Why I Needed To Go Back To My FOO

(family of origin)

I thought it was because I resolved our soul contracts and that we could be happily reunited and healed.

But it was actually because there was more truth for me to learn about what kind of people they really are, and what they really think about me.

Very sad and tragic and wretched, even.
But I am emerging from the worst pain ever into clarity and enlightenment.
And I WON'T perish, I'm growing stronger than ever.
I'm gaining more Self Love than ever.

So, it's GOOD to be an orphan again!!!

More later...

Email To My Cousin (FOO+ = family of origin and relatives)

It's finally revealed to me that mom, and therefore my entire FOO+ thinks I made the whole thing up; thinks I made up the abuse; all of it. (She thinks one tiny incident happened; something basically insignificant.)

  Well, it's more important now than ever before that she reads the book I poured my heart and soul and everything else into. Again, she had said that she wants to read it. Before she shuffles off this mortal coil she needs to get her facts straight so she doesn't have to come back and do it all again.

  She recently made a very intimidating and manipulative call to Richard, and he said it was like she was trying to validate for herself the belief in the lies she has been telling herself my whole life.

  Richard certainly believes me; every word. Not only did reading my book do that for him, he witnessed much abuse against me himself over the decades.

  Thank God for him and my girls. I really would be crazy or dead if I didn't have them/if they didn't believe me.

  I've been drinking way too much this year (abstaining for a few days presently), which only serves to confirm in the minds of my FOO that I really am crazy (when I drunk-dial them in my love-bug self; still trying desperately to bring healing and reunion, and also occasionally being confrontational), so is not helping my case any. But! My Whole Life As I Know It Is About To End. Not only am I truly losing my FOO+ (including you again, no doubt) for life, but my twin soul and I appear to be parting ways for good also, and that our long-distance platonic friendship is coming to the end of its rainbow (you know we had that affair over a decade ago). It won't be more than I can bear (please, God, don't let it be more than I can bear!). Destiny dictates that I'm ready for it. And I also believe I'm here for a very important spiritual journey and reason.

   Oh, so, no one ever has to fear that I will ever again go off the deep end with my drinking like I have before in my life. I can assure you that won't happen. It's just a knowing I have. I can feel that shift in me.

It Bears Repeating At This Time

The exact moment my mother laid eyes on me at her 75th birthday party in Las Vegas in 2004. I was the surprise; she wasn't expecting us. I call the photo "PROOF" because I caught her true feelings for me in her involuntary reaction to seeing me. We hadn't seen each other in over two years. I see disappointment and contempt. A nano-second later she was all smiles.

Us that day:

Yes, It's True, I'm An Orphan For Life

And I'm entitled to be angry; it would be sick if I wasn't!

So,

F U C K   Y O U   S T U P I D   S T U P I D   A B U S I V E   N A R C I S S T I C   F O O !!!

 (family of origin)

 GOD knows I tried. GOD knows I've been begging them for truth, communication and healing my whole life.

They are just too limited to do this.

When my beloved nieces and nephew turned against me because they think I made false accusations of abuse against my family, it shattered me soo overwhelmingly that I BEGGED my FOO to please help me because I didn't think I could survive this. THEY ALL TURNED THEIR BACKS ON ME. THEY WOULDN'T EVEN TALK TO ME. They are perpetuating that false belief about me in those kids (in their late 20s+)

If this isn't evil, I don't know what is.
It certainly isn't love.
My FOO telling me they love me is a Big Fat Lie?!

From My Memoir -- In Progress (2012)

 Why I Wrote This Book

 

            I’m writing this book in an attempt to save my life. With no one in my family of origin ever really there for me, writing this story might somehow be transformative and give me the will to live (my will threatened by the symptoms of chronic illness) after my amazing daughters are grown and gone; which is just a few years away. Writing my story might prevent me from disappearing altogether.

On the heels of a drinking problem, after giving up alcohol on my birthday in January 2012, I was suicidally depressed for 1 ½ months—until—the title of this book popped into my mind followed by the momentum to write it.

            There was no point in telling the truth three decades ago if all it did was cause more suffering to me and my family (although, they are all living their lives just fine in their denial, and without me prevalent in their lives). I should have just kept my mouth shut and acted like nothing happened if there was no point. But victims need to stand up for themselves and find personal healing and happiness, and they ought to reach out and help other victims. So this book has to be the point--- to turn at least one person from victim to survivor, and hopefully to thriver, even if it’s only the author.

            My father is long deceased, and the rest of my family should not be adversely affected by my writing. It will not ruin lives. Otherwise, I’d never write it. Maybe that’s why I waited until now to do so; as a 55-year-old woman.

            I wanted to trash this at least a dozen times in the course of writing it—thinking it vile and inane. But in the end I couldn’t because I think I’m meant to tell this story. I hope my daughters will agree!

            It is written as prose, and not in chronological order; random order being more creative, raw, present-moment, less overwhelming (especially for me in writing it), and less boring -- hopefully. And I don't go into the backstory about my family, I jump right in to the heart of the matter. I believe author Tom Spanbauer might deem that as coveted "dangerous writing."  And that's exactly what I aspire to.

            My wish regarding the mandalas I drew and included as chapter headers is to bring beauty and light to this work. A mandala is described as a pattern of power that represents the whole circle of existence. But I just think they are pretty and comforting to create. They remind me of kaleidoscopes when I was a kid!

"We are told"..."that until we forgive we will never heal. We forget that forgiveness is a grieving process that often includes the expression and release of negative emotions, especially disappointment and anger. It's no use trying to avoid these painful feelings. Forgiveness that is insincere, forced, or premature can be more psychologically damaging than authentic bitterness and rage." ~ Sharon Salzberg.

I Want My Book To Be A Love Letter To My FOO*

(*family of origin)

How do I do that?

In part, by infusing it with my mandalas.

A mandala is every chapter header.

And I write prose-style so my chapters are super short.

But they pack a punch.

And I swear, the details of the abuses makes it ALL MAKE SENSE; makes whomever reads my book "get" exactly... everything.

And the Whole Thing has the potential to HEAL my FOO and ME. .... (?)

You'll see...

My Power is as a writer.


Here's An Excerpt  (that I rewrote earlier this year, but sadly, have to now rewrite again and take out the happy ending part):

An Intro of sorts

            PK is what people called us preacher’s kids. Pariah---meaning outcast of the family when incest and emotional abuse caused them to basically abandon me when I, probably haphazardly, in my mid 20s, spoke up about it within the family; with the intention of bringing healing to all of us.

            This book is my fight to wholeness and happiness, inner peace and understanding. And on-going forgiveness. It is my exploration through my feelings and my thought processes, and intense conversations and emails with my family; to discover how and if I can achieve reunion with my family of origin, whom I call my FOO. And the subtitle could be, The Truth Shall Set You Free.

            How it, ultimately, was for the purpose of returning me to Self, and  Self Love.

            The book was written during the time I was orphaned with no real hope of reconciling with my FOO. However, I wrote it with the burning desire and aspiration of it bringing us back together. A therapist and an editor who read my then completed book of 200 pages well-meaningly told me it couldn't be done---that it just doesn't happen; that kind of healing and reunion. I ultimately gave up and surrendered to being a forever orphan, wanting only for my book to help others outside my family find personal healing.

            I could not have predicted what miraculously happened for my FOO and me two years after finishing this book; which I then had the joy of rewriting its ending.

...So, you see, sadly, the editor and the therapist were right... so I'll be rewriting this.

I Have To Keep Writing About It

Children MUST be taught that if they are abused to TELL a trusted adult, and if that trusted adult doesn't believe them, tell another... and another... if necessary until they find someone who BELIEVES them.

This is SO IMPORTANT.

ALL  ADULTS  ARE  RESPONSIBLE  FOR  ALL  CHILDREN


I haven't been a child for decades, but in order to heal I have to keep talking about this horrible stuff.

I have absolutely no one in my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) that I can talk to.

I wrote my memoir three years ago and it was meant to bring truth and healing.

This year I thought I was going to get the happy ending I wanted for my book; that my FOO and I reunited in healing.

All year I've been thinking that would happen.

Just a few days ago my dreams were permanently shattered.

If my book is going to have a happy ending now it's going to have to be that I find personal happiness as an orphan who will never resolve things with her FOO.

I have strong feelings of hate. That's normal. I'm so angry and so hurt.

At least I got out, again, of an abusive situation. I escaped.

May my book end up helping others to do the same.

I need time to learn if I will become whole before I finish my book.

Guess, sadly, the title doesn't get to be "PK Pariah Gets Her FOO Back" but just

"PK Pariah"

(preacher's kid who is the outcast in her family for trying to bring healing by telling them the truth)

I'll Be An Orphan For Life

The emotional and psychic pain is almost unbearable. 
Been having a twitching in my eyelid all day. 
And pain in my heart.

So, lately, for one thing, every time I'd ask mom or Karen or David to please talk to my nieces and nephew on my behalf they'd refuse. My nieces and nephew turned their backs on me in an angry private message over a year ago. They believe I am falsely accusing their Grammy of abuse. My family of origin (FOO) must want them to think that. These are kids that I adore and who grew up adoring me. Losing those kids, now in their 20s+ is torture. I'll never get them back. My girls will probably never have their beloved cousins. Losing my mom, sister, and brother is torture. I Love Them So Much.

I finally figured out that no one in my FOO is ever going to FeelDealHeal or even acknowledge the abuse by my dad and mom. I've wanted them to meet me halfway and read "The Courage To Heal" like my dad did when he and I were starting to heal our relationship, so we can begin a conversation and a true reconciliation. Dad died too soon, but he never did apologize or show remorse, he only said things like, "Judy reacted badly to what happened." (That's very sick of him.)

I really believed that because of my spiritual work, I would be able to bring my FOO back into my life this year and all would be well regardless. I was wrong. I feel hurt by them all the time because of all that is left unaddressed and unresolved. ​And because they Claim to care and Claim to love me, but Do They Really?? I'm expendable. Always have been always will be.... unless, perhaps, I abdicate and lie and say I was never abused. They're perfectly OK thinking I'm crazy and telling the world that.

Another Turn For The Worst --- But Perhaps Now Personal Healing Can Continue

I had the worst nightmares, and when I woke up, I Woke Up --- and realized HOPE is FUTILE.

My mother, sister and brother will NEVER admit the abuse that happened, and they will NEVER read "The Courage To Heal" which could bring healing to us.

I had almost forgotten that they continue to allow my nieces and nephew to be turned against me believing I made false accusations of abuse! I Adore those kids, and they adored me growing up!
I'm So Heartbroken.
There are no words.

I'm allowing my ANGER out here: FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID, STUPID NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE!!!!!!!

I'm In So Much Emotional And Psychic Pain I Really Don't Know How I'm Going To Endure It

Another Cross-Post From My Other Blog

  I don't intend on doing cross-posting too much.

    Yesterday's Relief ... Today's Grieving Process

My Post This Morning From My Other Blog

  About The Sad End Of The Road With My Family

 

One Of The Main Problems

Is that my FOO are a bunch of narcissists.
Therefore, they are incapable of hearing anything negative about themselves, no matter how lovingly you try to talk about something that hurt you deeply that they said or did.
They just get defensive and blow you off with more insults.

You really can't win with narcissists.
And they can't change...
And that's the part I need to accept.

I need to just give up.
And let them go.

I don't think even a Miracle can help us.

I Tried To Say Goodbye, And That Was Before Yesterday's Post

They sucked me back in

Different kinds of exchanges yesterday

Mostly positive

Then my sister bullied me, as always

Tried to point it out to all of them this morning in our group text messages thread from yesterday
so we could get some healing and understanding

She told me to fuck off (not in so many words) and never contact her again


And So It Always Goes


Together they will write me off as crazy and the cause of all the problems in the family

They have each other and I have no one
As always


They will NEVER talk about anything
It's so much easier for them to keep me the scapegoat like they've done since I was a child



If ONLY A Miracle Could Happen

Where Was I?!...

Somethin's Happnin' Here

Betwix my FOO (family of origin) and I

.....

!!!!!


To   Be    Continued....

(an older pic. roses from me to my mom): 

Something's Gotta Give

My hurt and grief over my FOO (family of origin) is becoming too much for me to bear.

I don't think I can continue to carry-on with them like nothing is wrong and all is well.

All is Not well. All is still unresolved and unaddressed.

It's eating me up alive inside.

All I've Ever Wanted And Asked For Is Communication And Healing.


I just don't know what to do now.
I just got them back in my life early this year.
How can I lose them again?....not that I ever really had them, that's the problem.


Calling All Angels! We Need A Miracle!

Silliness

But I woke up with my answer: No, I'm not Robin Hood. I feel an attack of conscience when I steal from the rich to give to the poor; metaphorically speaking. But there are a myriad of ways to do that realistically.

OK, so, end of private joke. <wink>

I Think This Is Me.... No, I'm Asking-----Is This Me?

 

Wait. I've Got It Backwards

What could be better than not having a lover who lies to you
(due to no fault of his own)

What could be better than Not having a lover

And learning to love your self instead
of being complete in yourself instead

I'm in love, yeah
But I'm not in a relationship
And I haven't had sex in 10 years (with anybody but myself)

And I think I just had this inspired awakening  ...   as to how perfect that is


No
Bullshit


No
Lies


No
Drama




....breathing that in

When he and I are old and gray and can meet.....


Oh Myyy    the possibilities

Maybe I Can Foresee The Future

To when my FOO (family of origin) totally trusts me
Respects me
Believes me
Values what I say
Uses all my insights to their advantage in a way that benefits me and all of us

....

And
My
Mother
Will
Never
Look
At
Me
Like
This
Again


The precise moment captured on film when she saw me at her surprise birthday party in Las Vegas lo' those many years ago. Where's the Joy? Where's the Excitement? Where's The LOVE?:

Since There's No Shame....

It's not a betrayal for me to tell the truth
Only good can ultimately come from it
Healing to the spirit/mind/body/relationships, and Integration (of the ego)

Oh FOO (family of origin)

I can't make you like me
I can't make you want me in your lives more
I can't make you be there for me when I need help or support
I can't make you give me more love not less

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!!

I just saw two Monarch butterflies flying in unison, one behind the other, when I stepped outside for a moment (doing a chore).

The couple fluttered about in perfect harmony in front of me and around my lemon tree.


I Think I Am Going To Die! <wink>

Twin Soul Love.....  What?!.... It could be Mine in this lifetime?!

I Took It As A Sign, Yo!!!

Wish I coulda gotten a pic!

It's A Blessing That I Was Raised With Good Ethics

Otherwise, people might be in trouble!

Oh To Be A Lesbian

In the neat movie, "The Rewrite"

Hugh Grant's character asks Marisa Tomei's character if she's a lesbian.

She jubilantly exclaims, "I wish!"


That's exactly how I've always felt!
If only I were a lesbian
I know I'd be a lot happier!!
LOL

It's in my DNA not to give up on this happening with the man of my dreams, wherever he is:

I Need To Break The Stigma Of Shame. Part 1

I don't know how I'm going to do it though. One "I Love You" at a time?

The stigma of shame that perpetuates secrets and lies.

The secrets and lies that kill.

The secrets and lies that destroyed my relationships with my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives).

It's not the abuse in my childhood that made me the pariah in the family, it's the secrets and lies about it; it's the never talking about it.

I'm trying to tell you that there is no shame in what happened to me, and that I know, as a reasonable person that I can't be the first one ever to be abused in the entire ancestry. But that I can be the first to break the silence and help end the cycle of abuse.

To Be Continued...

I Have The Best Imagination EVER

I'm
Going
To
Move
To
Michigan
And
Stay
With
Ellen!

On The Other Hand....

How much joy can a person stand? ! , Can one person stand? !

I'm Asking


About Joy in general
Which I tend to experience Too Much of at times <wink>


No, straight  or  sober, silly


JOY is Overwhelming to me

Anyone understand?

This Just Happened At The Liquor Store (could be great in my screenplay)

 I was on my way out from purchasing a bottle of tequila from one of my local liquor merchants, run by a man who calls himself Ghandi, ("but you can call me Candy").

The man standing there waiting to talk to Ghandi engaged a dialogue with me:


Man:  If you were 20 years younger, I'd be right there with you!

<the look on my face when I looked at him>
<laughter by him and his buddies>

Man:  Oh, now she got it!!

<beat>

Me:  If I were 20 years younger, I wouldn't get with the likes of you!

<no reaction from them>


......

I'd want that to be taken in good humor, or not at all!

Attention Please! (FOO, this is for YOU!) (family of origin)

The FX original series, "Sex & Drugs & Rock N Roll" is teaching me everything I need to know about the incest that happened from my father back in the day!

The sexual energy he felt for me.... had it been controlled like Johnny Rock's is for his daughter... and etc., and etc., because this show is so deep and so beautifully layered ----

If ONLY my father had control over his feelings.... and had the awareness that what he was doing to me was wrong....

I don't blame him no mo, and I have long ago forgiven him (dad died a pretty happy 70-year-old man in 1999.)....

....OK, this truly may be going somewhere; like in my book!!


Anywho, med weed (which I truly use only sporadically) makes me digress!


Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that this miraculous TV show with the FABULOUS Denis Leary is helping me to HEAL EVEN MORE and UNDERSTAND AND APPRECIATE MY BELOVED FATHER WAYYYYYYYYY MORE!

AMEN

At Least I Only Watch Quality TV. Thankful for my DVR.

Thought I'd stand up for myself a bit after yesterday's rant.

And furthermore, most of the time I can't even do anything but watch TV or listen to music; and often I can't even do that much. I can't read a lot and I can't write a lot (for extended periods of time) due to my diseases.

So there.



It has to do with fatigue, exhaustion, cognitive impairment, conentration problems.

If My Life Is A Wasteland Anyway, Might As Well Just Write

Even though I'm one of the very lucky ones with a moderate case of ME/CFS, and also of Hashimotos Thyroiditis, my life is still a wasteland. But for being a mother. They'll be leaving the nest before too much longer. Then what?

Maybe it's my low thyroid talking; my levels dropped really low; will be upping my NatureThroid dosage, but my life IS a wasteland and I guess it always has been.

And how can I EVER truly like myself when my FOO (family of origin) has never liked me? And how can I ever really love myself, no matter how hard I try.

Don't listen to them when they deny not liking me; trust me, they don't; and I never felt liked growing up; except my my younger brother when we were little kids and very close. But all that changed when we were about 10 and 8, and it was due to no fault of our own; but it's been impossible to change, and now we're late middle age.

It's just too late for anything to change. My family life, my love life, my sex life, my health.

In other words, for me, this really is as good as it gets.


My passions are for my daughters, my entire family, the ME/CFS community, my True Divine Nature Spiritual Community (a community of free thinkers), nature, humanity itself, writing, of course, Structured Water, of course, true romantic love (my biggest pipe dream).

I feel like a waste of a human being, I feel useless, I feel like dead weight, I feel like a waste of space, I feel like a HUGE waste of money; poor Richard who has to support me.


So, I ask myself, since I'm absolutely Nothing, and just stuck sitting in this god damned bed, well, just write then. Just write stupid, worthless shit just for the act of writing something.

I know I'll never amount to anything as a writer.

Period.

I don't have what it takes.

But I do wish that I did. And I do wish that I could spend my days writing for hours instead of watching TV for hours. And I wish I could write something substantial. And I wish I could make money with my writing.

But I know I never will.