Why I Wrote This Book
I’m writing this
book in an attempt to save my life. With no one in my family of origin ever really there for me, writing this
story might somehow be transformative and give me the will to live (my will threatened
by the symptoms of chronic illness) after my amazing daughters are grown and
gone; which is just a few years away. Writing my story might prevent me from
disappearing altogether.
On the heels of a drinking problem,
after giving up alcohol on my birthday in January 2012, I was suicidally
depressed for 1 ½ months—until—the title of this book popped into my mind
followed by the momentum to write it.
There was no point in telling the truth
three decades ago if all it did was cause more suffering to me and my family
(although, they are all living their lives just fine in their denial, and without me prevalent in their lives). I should
have just kept my mouth shut and acted like nothing happened if there was no
point. But victims need to stand up
for themselves and find personal healing and happiness, and they ought to reach out and help other
victims. So this book has to be the point--- to turn at least one person
from victim to survivor, and hopefully to thriver, even if it’s only the
author.
My father is long deceased, and the rest
of my family should not be adversely affected by my writing. It will not ruin
lives. Otherwise, I’d never write it. Maybe that’s why I waited until now to do
so; as a 55-year-old woman.
I wanted to
trash this at least a dozen times in the course of writing it—thinking it vile
and inane. But in the end I couldn’t because I think I’m meant to tell this
story. I hope my daughters will agree!
It is written as prose, and not in
chronological order; random order being more creative, raw, present-moment,
less overwhelming (especially for me in writing it), and less boring --
hopefully. And I don't go into the backstory about my family, I jump right in
to the heart of the matter. I believe author Tom Spanbauer might deem that as
coveted "dangerous writing."
And that's exactly what I aspire to.
My wish
regarding the mandalas I drew and included as chapter headers is to bring
beauty and light to this work. A mandala is described as a pattern of power
that represents the whole circle of existence. But I just think they are pretty
and comforting to create. They remind me of kaleidoscopes when I was a kid!
"We are
told"..."that until we forgive we will never heal. We forget that
forgiveness is a grieving process that often includes the expression and
release of negative emotions, especially disappointment and anger. It's no use
trying to avoid these painful feelings. Forgiveness that is insincere, forced,
or premature can be more psychologically damaging than authentic bitterness and
rage." ~ Sharon Salzberg.
