The emotional and psychic pain is almost unbearable.
Been having a twitching in my eyelid all day.
And pain in my heart.
So, lately, for one thing, every time I'd ask mom or Karen or David to please talk to my nieces and nephew on my behalf they'd refuse. My nieces and nephew turned their backs on me in an angry private message over a year ago. They believe I am falsely accusing their Grammy of abuse. My family of origin (FOO) must want them to think that. These are kids that I adore and who grew up adoring me. Losing those kids, now in their 20s+ is torture. I'll never get them back. My girls will probably never have their beloved cousins. Losing my mom, sister, and brother is torture. I Love Them So Much.
Been having a twitching in my eyelid all day.
And pain in my heart.
So, lately, for one thing, every time I'd ask mom or Karen or David to please talk to my nieces and nephew on my behalf they'd refuse. My nieces and nephew turned their backs on me in an angry private message over a year ago. They believe I am falsely accusing their Grammy of abuse. My family of origin (FOO) must want them to think that. These are kids that I adore and who grew up adoring me. Losing those kids, now in their 20s+ is torture. I'll never get them back. My girls will probably never have their beloved cousins. Losing my mom, sister, and brother is torture. I Love Them So Much.
I finally figured out that no one in my FOO is ever going to FeelDealHeal or even acknowledge the abuse by my dad and mom. I've wanted them to meet me halfway and read "The Courage To Heal" like my dad did when he and I were starting to heal our relationship, so we can begin a conversation and a true reconciliation. Dad died too soon, but he never did apologize or show remorse, he only said things like, "Judy reacted badly to what happened." (That's very sick of him.)
I really believed that because of my spiritual work, I would be able to bring my FOO back into my life this year and all would be well regardless. I was wrong. I feel hurt by them all the time because of all that is left unaddressed and unresolved. And because they Claim to care and Claim to love me, but Do They Really?? I'm expendable. Always have been always will be.... unless, perhaps, I abdicate and lie and say I was never abused. They're perfectly OK thinking I'm crazy and telling the world that.
