Waking Up Is Hard To Do

That's why most people remain in denial

I sure did

Unlucky In Love---Part 2

Simply:
When most of the people you love more than life itself don't love you,
including your family of origin, and your supposed twin soul,
what do you do?

Unlucky In Love--Part 1

I have the best relationship ever with my separated husband (that sounds funny, huh! he's not separated; he's not a separated person! WE are separated!), and we have long since found the perfect expression for our very real love as platonic best friends, co-parents, and life-partners. Our bond and relationship keeps deepening over the years. It lacks true emotional intimacy and sex; but those things can't be found between the two of us. I think I tried to force our marriage, and so did he, when we were a married couple.

I'm very lucky and blessed to have him and our two college girls. :D
I never take them for granted!

I've been openly in love with a man whom I had an affair with that started when Richard and I were separated-but-living together (he eventually moved out when our youngest turned 13) in 2003 and ended in 2005, and we only met-up four times; but we've somehow managed to stay long-distance friends. He calls me regularly, but we haven't seen each other in over 10 years, and probably won't again. His wife and he were living separate lives, but they are closer now, although still pretty much doing their own thing; yet our affair, when she found out about it way back then, ended up bringing them closer.

I was truly happy about that. All I've ever wanted is for him to be happy, and I never wanted to break-up his marriage. I have thought we were twin souls, and from what I've read, twin souls could never even want to let alone aspire to break-up the other's marriage, and that's been naturally true for us; but it's hard when your twin soul is married, ya know?!

He is the first man I've ever known whom I felt like I could have true emotional intimacy with. When I met him (after not seeing each other since high school 30 years prior), I sensed immediately that we were both emotional intimacy virgins. He and I are also perfectly and completely sexually compatible, and neither one of us had ever had that before either.

So... see how Powerful the connection and bond?!

OhMyGod and he knows how to and loves to banter!!! What a plus!!!

I haven't even wanted to be with another person since him, and I haven't.
Even to me that is beyond weird.
Well, you know what they say, when you find the Perfect Cock!... haha

He ruined me for other men! Or is that he ruined other men for me? I never can remember the correct expression!

So, we've been having this mostly lovely, healthy platonic friendship for a decade. But it's been very difficult for me, given my strong feelings for him.

Anyway, I'm now wondering if my feelings are starting to change??
I hate long blog posts so I'm going to stop here.

To Be Continued

Dude!, This Says It All!! : ) (click on the link)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jS9V_A_0eQk

 

Definitely Grieving HARD But Feeling My Spirit Slowly Getting Lighter

It now bugs me, though, that my FOO (family of origin) knows about my blogs.
I wish they didn't.
I don't want to have anything to do with them ever again, and I don't like the feeling of knowing that they may be reading them. : (
But, I reckon, every time they may, unbeknownst to them they'll be giving me some of my power back that they took from me by trying to silence me, and always making me feel expendable -- and they'd Hate that. : )
Thinking of it that way helps a bit.

The Pain Is Too Great

I'll truly never recover from getting the whole truth
but at least I have the truth now
And I will keep remembering how my psychologist made me feel:

Strong, Sane, Confident, Smart, Self Respect, Self Love, OKAY, Survivor, Liberated, Free...

Regardless of my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) making me feel Crazy and basically telling me as such my whole life, and even more so this year.

Emily, my psychologist, emailed me, "You certainly are a misfit in your FOO - and I mean that as a compliment!!!"

Learning that my cousin, Cheryll, whom I grew up with-----we were so close and had so much fun together and did so many creative things-----DOESN'T BELIEVE ME about the abuse.....

I'm STILL in shock and that was five days ago.
It's unfathomable
It's unbearable
It's senseless
It's non-understandable
It's insane!

Did ANY of my FOO+ EVER love me??!
I really doubt it.

Emily says things about my mother like, "Won't That Woman Take Responsibility For ANYTHING??" The answer is No.
And she points out how SNEAKY and often SUBTLE my mother's abuse of me is.

My mother and my deceased father are the LIARS that manipulated and turned my entire FOO+ against me!
And THATs the Cold Hard Truth

But to me, it doesn't excuse that not one of them believes me anyway.

OMG, I've WASTED MY ENTIRE LIFE ON PEOPLE UNWORTHY OF MY LOVE.
I'VE WASTED MY ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO BRING HEALING AND REUNION WITH THOSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T REALLY LOVE ME. BY DOING THIS I'VE MADE MYSELF CRAZIER THAN THEY MADE ME.

BUT HERE'S THE THING: I'M NOT CRAZY, I'M THE ONLY SANE ONE!
I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THE TRUTH AND TELLS IT.

They are INCAPABLE OF CHANGING so I am truly DONE with ALL of them FOREVER.

I will slowly rebuild my life without them and without any hope of them.

But I will NEVER Recover. You can't recover from something like this.

And I'm TIRED of and DONE making excuses for them too, as I have my whole life. There IS No Excuse For How Badly They Treat Me.

Cross-Posting Again!

Link:

    Thanks Kids! : )

Things Got Even Worse Yet

Just learned that the cousin I grew up with and who came back into my life this year after years of estrangement doesn't believe me about the abuse.

I knew she and everyone else didn't want to talk about or deal with it, but this year I learned the colder, harder truth.

I'll Never Recover From This

The FINAL Communication --- It Was Her LAST CHANCE ----

I was already done with my FOO (family of origin), and embracing my orphan status again, when I felt compelled to reach-out One Last Time a couple weeks or so after my mother called my husband, Richard.
I emailed her:

​  Mom ~

      I love you and I miss you. You showed me a lot of love and caring all through my life. You also dished out a lot of abuse. It is what it is. When you made that intimidating and manipulative phone call to Richard, it really showed your true colors. Minimizing and denying the abuse of me by dad was a white trailer trash move. Denying any emotional abuse by you was too.

     I really don't want you to shuffle off this mortal coil without acknowledging the truth and have you have to come back to live it all over again​. You Deserve Better Than That!

                  Tough Loving You, I Guess, Your Daughter, Judy

She responded. I knew it was going to hurt so I waited a day to read it:

I have just read this email  and will not in future discuss it again.  I don’t know who heard what or who said or who interrupted what from my  phone call, but I am telling you that I never made that kind of a call.  It’s too ridicules to even contemplate.or acknowledge, so I don’t! 

so I don’t!

My response: 

  Of course, "mother." It's always only about you. My feelings and my experiences at your hands never ever matter; never have and never will.

  We're Done For Good. I'm not your daughter.

​

_______________

People, you Need To Understand Something: When your entire family, whom you love with all your heart and soul tell you all your life you are crazy, you have no choice but to listen. You have no choice but to try and try again, for Decades, to make things right; to bring healing; to bring truth; to keep them in your life.

Please think about that for a moment.

Try to imagine having to orphan yourself forever from your flesh and blood whom you deeply love and who showed you a lot of love too.

They call me crazy and tell the world as such because I was incested by my minister father, and emotionally abused and neglected by my mother. Growing up, I acted-out by screaming and slamming doors and shutting myself in my room. Starting in my mid 20s I spoke up; broke the silence; with the intention of bringing truth and healing.

I have been like President Obama has been with the Republicans my whole life:  Giving them chance after chance after chance to meet me halfway and work things out!!!

I get back only the same thing he gets back: Rejection. Abandonment. Attacks. 

It took THIS last event-----my mother revealing her true colors to Richard-----for me to FINALLY

FIND MY LIBERATION AND PERMANENT FREEDOM; to finally Understand who they really are and what they really think of me; behind all their sweet talk to me; all their "I love you!"s

_________________________

In that phone call to Richard, my mother said/implied things like: 

Only one little thing happened to Judy by her father, and it was nothing, and they worked that out before he died. 

And, Judy is going over the edge and is psychotic. 

And that she never abused me in any way.

To Be Continued...

NOT with them. I'm an orphan.

But I will Stand Strong!

I will Use My Voice!

I will Heal My Life!

I will Help Others Find Their Voices And Freedom!

And I Will Finish And Publish My MEMOIR!

This Gets To Be The New Poster For ME/CFS Patients --- In The 5th Dimension

Let's Hear It For CBD Tincture! A Shout-Out!

CBD tincture is absolutely miraculous in its healing powers!

I can't wait for it to be legal in all states and available to all people!

It's the part of the cannabis plant that doesn't get you high; that's the THC that gets you high.

This year I have taken-on the additional health challenge of almost constant deep aching hip pain that permeates down my legs. It only happens when I'm sitting in bed; which is 20+ hours a day due to ME/CFS. It is happening to me, I "know" because of all the drinking this year! Alcohol is causing inflammation. So, lucky me, that means it's just temporary. My drinking is becoming more moderate (see my other blog). I also have to be conscientious about my gluten, dairy, and sugar intake, and starches in general. I'm good at that already, but could stand some improvement. Until now, when Structured Water entered my life a couple years ago, all my physical pain vanquished. (Link in right margin.)

For me, just a few drops of CBD tincture heals the pain. I have started adding half as much THC tincture drops to help the CBD work better. 

It's absolutely mind-boggling to me! And 45 drops is one dose; and I only need four drops!!
I'm so totally getting my money's worth!

This article shares a lot of perfect info about CBD:
http://twicebakedinwashington.com/2013/09/14/10-ways-cbd-in-cannabis-can-improve-your-health/

I don't get mine there; I get it locally, delivered to my door; organic.

Yes! Tami Green, BPD Guru, Is Back!

Tami Green saved my life five or more years ago, and because of simply reading her self-help booklets about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), my moderate BPD has been in remission for four years! (Some are still available on Amazon.)

She disappeared five years ago without a word. Her phenomenal website disappeared with her. But she's back! :D Happier and healthier than ever! :D

Tami not only survived very severe BPD (even causing her to lose custody of her five children years and years ago), but now helps others conquer this mental illness (not considered mental illness across the board, as much as a personality disorder).

A Shout-Out! To Tami Green! Welcome Back!!

http://www.lovebugs.biz/

Actually, Since Writing The Previous Post, I Did Tweak My Habits A Bit

It does get confusing and frustrating though.
One health expert telling you flax seeds are a must; another telling you they are bad for you.
And the list goes on and on and on of what some say are good for you, but others say are bad;
and I'm talking specifically about what to eat when you have Hashimotos Thyroiditis, and Dysbiosis (gut malabsorption) like me.

Here's a partial list of the foods I'm told to eat AND told not to eat!:


All seeds
All nuts
Just certain nuts
Just certain seeds
All beans
Eggs
Buckwheat
Rice (even brown)
Corn
Certain flours
Almost every fruit
Coconut oil
Many vegetables
Certain meats

See what I mean??

Seriously, I need to hire a full-time kinesiologist who just hangs-out in my house available at all times to muscle-test me on anything I'm about to put into my mouth!

And then there's the supplements question. It's the same story as food.
The absolute latest controversy I heard is that even probiotics are bad for a lot of people with gut issues!! What?!

Most seem to agree though, about avoiding gluten, dairy, sugar, and alcohol, and to limit all starchy carbs.

So, I cut back even further on my gluten, dairy, sugar, and alcohol consumption. And I'm trying harder to remember to take a Digestive Enzyme before my largest meal of the day (different everyday).

Probably soon I'll feel ready to try a new protocol designed by my new endocrinologist, but I'm not there yet. It includes taking a clay supplement!? And other weird things I've never heard of.

Woke Up Wanting To Get Back Into An Improved Health Regimen --- Wait. . . .

I was going to post the following (below), but then remembered the impossibility of it all.
I'm a researcher. And in a NUTSHELL, Almost EVERYTHING I'm "supposed" to take to help my health and heal my body, I'm told is BAD for my health and body!! And the foods I'm "supposed" to eat, are actually NOT good for me!!

This is according to many different professional expert nutritionists and health practitioners! One will say one thing, and one will say another, equaling:  There Is No Safe Or Healthy Food for me!!
What one will say is good for me to eat, the other will say is bad for me to eat, and that includes many vegetables (not to mention supplements).

So, really, why should I even bother changing anything?
Why not eat whatever food and drink whatever beverage and take any supplements I want?

IT'S  SO  FRUSTRATING!!!

The best thing I know to do that I can trust is to be muscle-tested on everything.
The body doesn't lie. Kinesiology is an accurate way to ask your body what is good for it and what isn't and what it needs.
The problem for me is, I can't do it myself and need someone else to muscle-test me, which is rarely practical in my household!

So, for now, I'm not standing by what I was going to post this morning:
___________________

Woke Up Wanting To Get Back Into An Improved Health Regimen

It was inspired by joint pain.
I've been having deep hip pain.
Also, my hips and legs ache most of the time.
The deep pain in my hips is mostly when I'm sleeping on my sides.
The chronic deep aching is when I'm sitting on my Throne (my bed), which, of course, is 20+ hours a day.
I also have lower back pain, but not while sitting.

It Was COOL Waking Up Feeling Inspired To Getting Back To Avoiding The Foods I Know Are Causing Inflammation!
I know inflammation in the bod is a main cause of pain.

When I wasn't drinking, when I was completely gluten-free, dairy-free, and sugar-free, most of my pain was gone.
Then, when I started drinking Structured Water, the rest of the pain vanished.

So, even though I'm still mostly gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free and carb-free, I'm ready to get back to the healthy habits of avoiding alcohol, dairy, gluten, sugar, and carbs in general because my body has been screaming at me for a while now. The pain was so bad the first night of our camping trip to the redwoods last June, that it nearly ruined everything.

LOL, it certainly won't do any good to tell my primary care physician about the pain. Western medicine's solution is usually pain pills, right?! No Thank You Very Much!

I have ME/CFS, hypothyroid, Hashimotos, more than one type of arthritis, and who knows what else.

Oh, I also have Dysbiosis, which is a messed-up gut, and a new protocol to follow that I haven't been ready to try yet (it includes weird supps including clay). This was prescribed by my new endocrinologist who is part western medicine and part Ayurvedic.

It's all been a bit overwhelming, and easy to avoid, but this morning's hip pain.... I think I've had enough of the pain that's been going on for months, and that I've been self-medicating with alcohol, which works temporarily, but then only ends up creating more body pain.
I can safely use my medical cannabis products to help with the pain, but I'll never be a pot-head, and will never use a lot of the products. (Not sure about that; more cannabis and less booze might be in my evolution?) Even CBD tincture, which doesn't give the high, but still does alter me a little (being so sensitive).

And, I'm getting back to reading the very informative and healing and life-changing book, "Root Cause" about healing Hashimotos, by Izabella Wentz. And I'll be listening to a telecall tonight by others about healing the gut.

I have a lot of work to do.
I have a lot more research to do.
I could never do it if it wasn't fated for me to do it, now could I.

Good Stuff For The Time We're In!

Energy Update 1 - 9/25/15

Entering the 5th Dimension  

 

Energy Update 2 - 9/29/15

"I'm Not Feeling It" 

 

Energy Update 3 - 10/2/15

Becoming Aware of the New Energy 

 

Who Knows What's Truly Possible In Life? ! : )

    Post from my drinking blog!:

   What A Lovely Abstinence Day! : )

It's Kind Of Nice That My Sophisticated FOO Isn't Any Better Than "White Trailer Trash!"

(family of origin)

You know how cool it is when understanding comes to you; those moments of clarity; when you don't seek to understand, cuz that doesn't work very well, spiritually speaking; so, when understanding something is suddenly given to you, it's really cool.

Here's my present "dangerous writing" (author Tom Spanbauer):
My FOO Minimizing My Abuse.... well, I compared them to being no better than white trailer trash, which would be quite an insult if they knew about it.

As in, how you'd expect white trailer trash folk to minimize and deny any kind of sexual or emotional abuse that happened to any of their children at the hands of family members.

Right?
Know what I mean?
Of course you do, we all do.


My recent learnings of just how truly my FOO (mom, sister, brother)(dad too, but he's deceased) minimize and deny the sexual and emotional abuse I suffered at their hands, and how that basically turned all my relatives against me, and how they all just peg me as crazy (and born that way)....

OK, so how HUMBLING ought it be to these people to be compared to white trailer trash?!


As part of the brand new Unity Consciousness many of us are entering, how bad is it to be like that?
Aren't we all the same?
Aren't we all One?
Isn't it True that none of us are better than anyone else?

(Especially the first line)(Which I change to FOO - family of origin)

I have no parents:
I make the heaven and earth my parents.

I have no home:
I make awareness my home.

I have no life and death:
I make the tides of breathing my life and death.

I have no divine powers:
I make honesty my divine power.

I have no means:
I make understanding my means.

I have no secrets:
I make character my secret.

I have no body:
I make endurance my body.

I have no eyes:
I make the flash of lightening my eyes.

I have no ears:
I make sensibility my ears.

I have no limbs:
I make promptness my limbs.

I have no strategy:
I make "unshadowed by thought" my strategy.

I have no design:
I make "seizing opportunity by the forelock" my design.

I have no miracles:
I make right action my miracle.

I have no principles:
I make adaptability to all circumstances my principle.

I have no tactics:
I make emptiness and fullness my tactics.

I have no talent:
I make ready wit my talent.

I have no friends:
I make my mind my friend.

I have no enemy:
I make carelessness my enemy.

I have no armor:
I make benevolence and righteousness my armor.

I have no castle:
I make immovable mind my castle.

I have no sword:
I make absence of self my sword.

a warrior's creed - anonymous samurai song - 14th century