2016 Update: I care more about this blog than I do that "they" can read it, otherwise I'd stop writing it and create a new one. As long as they finally leave me and my little family alone, there should be no problem, even though I requested that they don't read it. Since they have no interest in my writing, I'm probably safe. I hope so hard they will finally respect our wishes of no contact. I care so much about telling the truth and bringing healing. I fought my entire life to bring communication, truth, and healing to my FOO. There's nothing left to fight for so I have given up, at age 59. I can now only bring healing to myself and other survivors through my words. I finally went back to work on my heart-wrenching memoir that I wrote in 2012 that I originally wrote for them as my last Hope of getting my beloved family of origin and relatives back. But, There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See

Friday, November 23, 2012

Decisions, decisions, decisions

I'm not warmed-up to my rebound blog yet. This one; this is my rebound blog. I don't know if I want to keep it and turn it into something I'm proud of like my original blog that I felt forced to annihilate or not. Seems like rebound blogs are much like rebound relationships!

While I'm pondering, I will post how perfect my Thanksgiving was! It was the best Thanksgiving I can remember in a long time---on all fronts: My little family of four, my core family, my love relationship. I even got creative in the kitchen, and it was a delicious success!

My little family of four and I had a really awesome day. I'd write a lot more about it, BUT, as usual, I'm about to be run off our one pc by my oldest daughter! Ohhh for a laptop! Santa? Please? No? Not yet? OK. *sigh*

One of the highlights of this holiday was being totally removed from my family of origin! I will have to write a page about that one of these days; should I keep this blog and try to generate readers! But wow, let me just say how utterly relaxed, un-stressed, and joyful I felt all day long knowing I was not going to be talking to them. WOW. What a loaded statement. But it's OK. I know they are all very happy.

Take care, all! Gotta go!

Monday, August 27, 2012

From the brilliant mind of Aaron Sorkin


Republicans and Democrats alike ought to appreciate/resonate:



  • Ideological purity
  • Compromise as weakness
  • A fundamentalist belief in scriptural literalism
  • Denying science
  • Unmoved by facts
  • Undeterred by new information
  • A hostile fear of progress
  • A demonization of education
  • A need to control women's bodies
  • Severe xenophobia
  • Tribal mentality
  • Intolerance of dissent
  • Pathological hatred of the US government

They call themselves the Tea Party. They call themselves conservatives. They call themselves Republicans, though Republicans certainly shouldn't. We should call them what they are: The American Taliban. And the American Taliban cannot survive if Dorothy Cooper is allowed to vote.”
~ Will MacAvoy, News Anchor on the HBO series, The Newsroom (season finale). The show took place in August 2011. Written by Aaron Sorkin
 
Last sentence referring to the 96-year-old woman (black) who has been voting for 75 years and now can't vote because she doesn't have a car, ie: no voter ID.
 
W O W
 
 
What open-hearted individual hasn't realized that the Middle Eastern Taliban... that we are just like them, that is, that we have it in us to be just like them? We have it in us to be like Hitler. In other words, we are all human, and have it in us to live in Love or live in Fear to any extreme.
 
 

Saturday, August 25, 2012

If anybody is listening...

There could be genuine health healing help here! That's what I tried to tell people at my last blog, but alas, as I explained in previous posts, my 41 so-called followers didn't comment. And now I have even more health healing help, but they don't even know I'm here. I tell you, if I get well from the incurable CFS, I will have reason to visit their blogs, identify my blog to them, and share the secret. It's the least I can do for alienating them by ignorantly (accidentally) encouraging them to exercise. For me, slowly, painfully starting exercise was helpful. Little did I know that only 5% of us can do that.

It's scientifically and medically reasonable for me to assume that getting off the Synthroid and on NatureThroid, taking Iodoral (iodine/iodide), using Celtic Sea Salt (unrefined), and making a few dietary and supplement changes will bring me mass quantities of healing!

After 14 1/2 years of searching for answers and trying everything under the sun---even went so far as to try hyperbaric chamber therapy once---it could come down to simply replacing a needed nutrient my body is apparently grossly deficient in: iodine.

I will tell everyone to read Dr. Brownstein's books or watch his DVDs about iodine, thyroid, and salt "when" this works for me! I'm afraid we'll all have to be patient though. For those as ill from autoimmune diseases as me it can take a couple years or more to get better.

www.drbrownstein.com

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

69 Most Commonly Reported Symptoms of Hypothyroidism

  In other words, doctors have got to stop going solely by TSH lab test results!
  I have had most of these for 20 years on Synthroid, they were getting worse, and NO DOCTOR in my history listened.
  ...When all we need is NatureThroid and/or iodine, apparently. (www.drbrownstein.com)


o Fatigueo Swelling of eyelidso Emotional instability
o Lethargyo Dry skino Choking sensation
o Low enduranceo Dry mucous membraneso Fineness of hair
o Slow speecho Constipationo Hair loss
o Slow thinkingo Weight gain unexplainablyo Blueness of skin
o Poor memoryo Paleness of lipso Dry, thick, scaling skin
o Poor concentrationo Shortness of breatho Dry, coarse, brittle hair
o Depressiono Swellingo Paleness of skin
o Nervousnesso Hoarsenesso Puffy skin
o Anxietyo Loss of appetiteo Puffy face or eyelids
o Worryingo Prolonged menstrual bleedingo Swelling of ankles
o Easy emotional upseto Heavy menstrual bleedingo Coarse skin
o Obsessive thinkingo Painful menstruationo Brittle or thin nails
o Low motivationo Low sex driveo Dry ridges down nails
o Dizzinesso Impotenceo Difficulty in swallowing
o Sensation of coldo Hearing losso Weakness
o Cold skino Rapid heart rateo Vague body aches & pains
o Decreased sweatingo Pounding heart beato Muscle pain
o Heat intoleranceo Slow pulse rateo Joint pain
o Non-restful sleepo Pain at front of chesto Numbness or tingling
o Insomniao Poor visiono Protrusion of one or both eyeballs
o Thick tongueo Weight losso Sparse eyebrows
o Swelling of faceo Wasting of tongue

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Brighter Days!

Every day that passes brings new hope for a healed life! I'm talkin' physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually!

I feel so incredibly on the right path these days. Purging SO many toxic things and people from my life is paying off.

A major focus in my life is healing my health. I seem to be making even more progress in self-healing the "incurable, untreatable" chronic illness of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Was stricken 14 1/2 long years ago.

ALL the information regarding my journey was in my old blog, but it's gone forever. It was truly necessary though to annihilate it. It was the only way I could get a full, clean break from my family of origin.

I will post soon about how getting off of toxic Synthroid and on NatureThroid for low thyroid , and how getting off gluten and other things is dramatically improving my health!

Meanwhile, absolutely every person on the planet, please, please get Dr. Brownstein's DVD or book about thyroid (and also about iodine) at his website:  www.drbrownstein.com, and also read-up on these matters at Dr. Mercola's website: www.mercola.com.

Dr. Brownstein said that he's never seen a CFS patient that didn't have a thyroid imbalance. He has studied the thyroid and iodine for 20 years, he's treated 5000 patients. I learned about him from a source I trust. Since the conventional tests for the thyroid are incomplete, he diagnoses per his patient's symptoms, medical history, and basal temperature.

Nap time...
(so unusual and wonderful to make it this late in the day without needing one!) (and I've done the previously impossible today: made the long trek to Whole Foods to grocery shop in energy-draining heat, put the groceries away, fixed a nutritious lunch, sun bathed, took a shower, washed my hair, and wrote a post. Up until now all I could have accomplished in the above was the shopping trek and a quick lunch before I'd be depleted and needing a nap.)

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Twiddling my thumbs

First of all.... too torturous that it's already over 80 degrees inside at 10 a.m. I don't do well in the heat. I'll put the A/C on soon and have to close-up the house. Waah. I'm an open-windows, open-door, fresh air kind of a girl.

The plumber is here fixing a real mess in the adjoining bathroom sinks, and the only place in the house for me to hang-out is at the pc in our makeshift office behind a partition in the living room. Normally, I'd be on "My Throne" -- my bed -- watching TV or reading or writing via my AlphaSmart word processor. I feel out of my comfort zone, and this will probably take hours. He's also got to flush the HALO---the whole house filtration system, and the water heater.

I'm already weary from being up for several hours, and cleaning the house for the plumber. I need to rest, but can't.

So, I'm mindlessly blogging.

Eddie is a really great plumber. He's from the Ukraine. We got lucky when Rescue Rooter sent him to our house one day a year ago to fix a plumbing problem. (We have lots of plumbing problems in this old house that have cost us near $20K in 15 years.) I adopted him as our plumber and request him every time I call RR. He is the sweetest, funniest, most generous man. I tip him $20 each time he performs his miracles on our crazyass plumbing problems. And he always throws-in some freebie of sorts. Today his freebie for us is replacing the corroded sink trap---the one that my ex-husband-to-be ought never have removed! Poor Eddie. He's got a big job snaking out the crud in the pipes, and trying to put back that trap that got damaged when my ex removed it. Must be frustrating for plumbers to clean up other people's messes when they try to be their own plumber! What is actually needed is to tear out the wall and replace the pipes. They are iron pipes connected to brass which causes uber corrosion. They don't use those materials anymore.

This is going to cost us money we absolutely do not have at this time. Tough economic times made tougher by us having to pay a mortgage and a rent on a single income. We're doing the girls college entirely on student loans... that is, until and if they say "No mo money for you!" <gulp>

I've done all my online business for the day: emails, etc. Don't have much else to do... um, unless you consider working on my book something to do! It's funny though, I never compose my book on the pc, only on my Alphie from My Throne. I might have no choice but to try once I get bored here and run out of things to ramble about...

Which appears to be now!

Monday, August 6, 2012

My email to my niece

Names removed.


           
            How are you? How’s the baby?

For very important, healing reasons that I don’t intend on burdening you with, or expect you to understand, I’ve chosen to orphan myself for good, hon, from my family of origin. That doesn’t include you, your husband or kids, or my other nieces, or my nephew. I needed to allow enough time to pass before I felt it was appropriate to contact you again. One reason is that I need to ask you not to share my emails with your mother or anyone else I didn’t already mention on my “OK” list. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about me to those I am estranged from also---and that is a huge request that puts you in an awkward position, which is another reason it took me so long to contact you, sweetie. And I say and think ALL of this only with Love. I know what I’m doing and I trust myself, and God, who is guiding me. One day it will all make sense, I promise. It is making quite a bit of sense to my daughters, who are well, and who support me, and feel safe about the whole thing; as sad and tragic as the situation is. So, I’ll leave it to your own heart and discretion what you feel compelled to say, if anything, about me to your mom, etc. I truly don’t want them in my life though, and definitely wouldn’t be OK with them reading my emails to you---not even the generic ones. I don’t want them to know what’s going on with me, and I don’t want to know what’s going on with them. They have their connections with my daughters, and that is a Blessed thing.


I absolutely need this separation from my family of origin in order to heal and to find my happiness. They hardly need me to survive and to be happy! I’m the one suffering the greatest loss here! But, I am finding true inner peace and self love in this choice.


Know deeply that I LOVE my entire family very deeply. It’s definitely not about a lack of Love! Oh contraire! I want only healing and truth and more love between us. But it will have to be on a spiritual level only, I fear.


But I have a story to tell, and tell it I must. I’m writing a book. The book I’m writing is saving my life, dear niece. It will bring full understanding to my daughters when I feel they are old enough to read it, and it will allow them to make sense out of this mess! If it is worthy of publishing (meaning: by publishing it no one gets adversely hurt), then it will help other people like me find their voices. I have already been told by people that I helped them just by telling them about the book I’m writing. Wow.


That’s all I care to tell you about my book at this time. No worries, OK?


Sooo, I know you’re thinking about me, I can feel it! J I’ve always been thinking about you and your little family! I have felt bad for disconnecting from you. Something tells me you understand though. You have a gift for compassion, patience, perceptiveness, and understanding.

You are allowed to ask me questions about the estrangement if you have any, and I’ll do my best to answer honestly.

Oh, I’m pretty sure my mom and sister know about my book because they were sneak-reading my blog when, until recently, I had a blog.


OK, so that’s my belated hello for now! I’d love to hear from you. I continue my focus on healing my health and appear to be making more strides. Yes!


Always here for you if you need anything at all,

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Positng this just to post something

I need a blog-fix, have a lot more I'd rather write about, but felt compelled to put this information in my blog because it's important to me. If anyone is reading, it might help someone. This is an email to my Metagenics distributor. Metagenics are high quality pharmaceutical grade supplements.

Yo, girl ~
With all my thyroid troubles all these years, I'm confused as to why you never talked to me about iodine?


I'm still really confused about how to proceed regarding taking iodine of any kind, and if I do, what kind. Dr H, who is my new thyroid doctor never mentioned iodine deficiency as a strong possibility---never mentioned iodine at all. But then, this is the norm for doctors. But she is connected with Dr. Weil so I will have to ask her next time why they don’t address it.
 
 
I ordered a DVD+book about healing the thyroid from Dr. Brownstein's site. If it doesn't get specific enough about iodine (I’m sure it will though), he also has a DVD about iodine, and another about salt. I heard he recommends Celtic Sea Salt, but I don't know. And apparently, it's not easy to test for iodine levels; that they are not accurate. In the meantime, I've been using organic kelp granules for salt.


I'm truly starting to understand though, that my illness never had to progress to the degree it did had an iodine deficiency been addressed immediately 20 years ago when they first gave me Synthroid for hypothyroidism; which made me sicker. I don’t blame anyone though—-they only know what they know.

I notice that I feel better being on the NatureThroid. Even my skin is a little less dry already. I have a bit more energy. The heart palpitations are now infrequent. I’ll be re-tested next month. I worship pigs now. Just joking. But I really do in my heart. Won't eat them no mo.

I'm trying to say, J, that I really do have hope again that I can get better. I have ALWAYS felt like my fatigue was coming from my throat area: my thyroid. But I have never found a doctor who will listen or who can help me. It’s the same ole same ole: you just live by what they say: ‘Take Synthroid, you’re fine.’ It is probably too far gone by now for full healing. And there are only a handful of pwc's who recover from CFS, and if it happens, it happens within the first five years.

I'm not saying that CFS is caused by thyroid problems. CFS is separate. Many pwc's don't have hypothyroidism. Then again, because the TSH, T3 and T4 tests they do on the thyroid are not sufficient, who really knows for sure. Apparently, 19 out of 20 people are iodine deficient---and our thyroids totally rule our bodies. God Bless our thyroid glands! They need blessing!

Hope you are OK. I feel lost without my blog! I have a new one though---I’m anonymous this time and don’t take followers or comments!




Friday, July 27, 2012

Onward

Now with many internet distractions self-removed including my previous blog and a sobriety message board, I can get back to focusing on doing some real writing. I didn't feel free to talk about the book I'm writing on my now dead blog.... god, I think I'm having a moment of PTSD over annihilating it when all I needed to do was hide it from the public. Wow. Do I do things in a drastic way sometimes.
"Out with the old! In with the new!""Off with her head!"

Actually, I did try hiding my blog, but wasn't satisfied. Then I tried deleting only the blog but not my google account, and still wasn't satisfied. It deleted only my blog, but not my blog dashboard which means I was still left seeing the blog roll of all the blog posts of the blogs I was following---and there were a lot of them. Well, long story short, I needed to purge all those bitches and bastards (said tongue-in-cheek) that stopped reading/commenting on my blog ages ago. There is no way in Blogger to delete people who follow your blog either. It was all causing me too much stress. I had to make the huge decision to delete my main GMail account that I'd had for a decade because the dumb way Blogger is set-up is that in order to delete your entire bloggersphere you have to delete your entire googlesphere which includes the GMail addy associated with your blog. It was a painful, scary decision, but one I'm glad I made...

I'll note why most of my readers abandoned me. I was part of the CFS community (chronic fatigue syndrome). It's an incurable, untreatable illness. I, like most of us, was on a self-healing journey, but I, unlike most, didn't have a doctor helping me because in 14 1/2 years with this dd (damn disease), I hadn't been able to find a doctor who was educated about CFS. And truthfully, most doctors still don't care much. I unintentionally offended my fellow pwc's (people with chronic fatigue syndrome) by encouraging them to "push their limits" to try to get well. Forcing myself to slowly exercise, and gradually increase it helped me. Little did I know at the time that only 5% of CFS patients can exercise at all. So, they never forgave me after that.

Where was I... Oh... I was talking about my book and how I want to put a lot more focus on it.

So, I'm trying to write my first book. I'm 23,000 words in, but have been blocked for weeks. I don't even know if I should write it anymore. Or maybe I should write it anonymously. It's such darn sensitive material and potentially hurtful to my family of origin. But do I even care? I don't know anymore. Feeling kind of numb to the matter. (uh, yes, I care. a lot.)

I'd like to possibly post some excerpts from it in here, open the blog to comments via my email address. Depending on how that goes, I might open my blog to receiving comments posted here.

An author I'm reading published her book solely because of the encouraging comments she received by first revealing her work a chapter at a time on her blog. How cool is that.

All I know for sure is that I'm unhappy enough in my life to know that I need to be writing more seriously and not just trying to help drunks on a message board stay sober---as worthy as that is---or posting health-healing advice on a blog that nobody gives a rats ass about.

I'll never be happy unless I see myself as trying to be a real writer. It doesn't even matter if my book turns out to be something I want to publish (or try to), or if I'm just writing for myself and my daughters when they are a lot older. It's only important to me that I finish it. Then, when I get it out of me, I will be able to move on to writing other things.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Anew

I'm starting fresh because I need to blog. I deleted my 10-year-old blog this morning, and the GMail account that was attached to it, not intending to create another blog. Not having a clue that I ever would (I was feeling so defeated), let alone create one the same day. I deleted it because, well, I was raised by a family who (accidentally) taught me that I was not worthy of being liked or loved and my so-called blog followers reinforced that lesson. I simply can't take it anymore: being rejected and ignored. But I want to blog, so this one will not be set-up to take followers or comments. That way I can't feel rejected or ignored. And I can write more freely and uninhibited and not worry about offending anyone. Oh, and this time, I'm anonymous!

It took a lot out of me mentally and emotionally to annihilate both my beloved blog, and my main GMail account. I thought I was either Cleansing or having a Mental Breakdown. I'm now thinking it was 50/50. I spent the day in bed in the fetal position, and sleeping. I felt full of fear and anxiety and sorrow. And hopeless and so utterly alone.

I DO feel unworthy of love in this moment, at 55, the way my life is going. The only love I truly have is the love of my amazing daughters. No one else seems to care for me much. But because of my daughters, who are pert-near both grown by now, I know that I am truly loved for me. They taught me that I actually am worthy of love, as well as respect, as well as being liked. They actually feel all three of those, genuinely and on their own, for me. Not that they don't think me weird or annoying at times! We all feel that way about one another at times!

So, why can't I seem to get along with anyone else and maintain friendships? My best guess is that I was a horrible person in my past life and am paying for it in this one. My next best guess is that I'm cursed.

I can't get very close to either of my daughters. (My oldest has Aspergers.) I raised them to be their own people. I'm neither a helicopter parent, or a parent who lives vicariously through her children, or a parent who tries to be her childrens' best friend. To me, all of those are SICK. I'm trying to say that it is not enough having my daughters. I am extremely lonely and alone. They are my priority but they are not my life. They have their own lives. I hope and trust that they will always want to keep me in them! So, we don't hang-out together, we live harmoniously together. We do stuff together here and there, and with their father who doesn't live with us, and the three of us often have dinner together that I make. Other than that, we are mostly in our own worlds here in our little house.
But it's a happy and peaceful little house.
Albeit extremely lonely most of the time for me only.

Another reason I killed my decade-long blog was because I needed my family of origin whom I've orphaned myself from for good to stop reading my blog and leave me the fuck alone.

A spiritual teaching is not to get attached to things. After all, I was not my blog. It was just a thing.