I'm starting fresh because I need to blog. I deleted my 10-year-old blog this morning, and the GMail account that was attached to it, not intending to create another blog. Not having a clue that I ever would (I was feeling so defeated), let alone create one the same day. I deleted it because, well, I was raised by a family who (accidentally) taught me that I was not worthy of being liked or loved and my so-called blog followers reinforced that lesson. I simply can't take it anymore: being rejected and ignored. But I want to blog, so this one will not be set-up to take followers or comments. That way I can't feel rejected or ignored. And I can write more freely and uninhibited and not worry about offending anyone. Oh, and this time, I'm anonymous!
It took a lot out of me mentally and emotionally to annihilate both my beloved blog, and my main GMail account. I thought I was either Cleansing or having a Mental Breakdown. I'm now thinking it was 50/50. I spent the day in bed in the fetal position, and sleeping. I felt full of fear and anxiety and sorrow. And hopeless and so utterly alone.
I DO feel unworthy of love in this moment, at 55, the way my life is going. The only love I truly have is the love of my amazing daughters. No one else seems to care for me much. But because of my daughters, who are pert-near both grown by now, I know that I am truly loved for me. They taught me that I actually am worthy of love, as well as respect, as well as being liked. They actually feel all three of those, genuinely and on their own, for me. Not that they don't think me weird or annoying at times! We all feel that way about one another at times!
So, why can't I seem to get along with anyone else and maintain friendships? My best guess is that I was a horrible person in my past life and am paying for it in this one. My next best guess is that I'm cursed.
I can't get very close to either of my daughters. (My oldest has Aspergers.) I raised them to be their own people. I'm neither a helicopter parent, or a parent who lives vicariously through her children, or a parent who tries to be her childrens' best friend. To me, all of those are SICK. I'm trying to say that it is not enough having my daughters. I am extremely lonely and alone. They are my priority but they are not my life. They have their own lives. I hope and trust that they will always want to keep me in them! So, we don't hang-out together, we live harmoniously together. We do stuff together here and there, and with their father who doesn't live with us, and the three of us often have dinner together that I make. Other than that, we are mostly in our own worlds here in our little house.
But it's a happy and peaceful little house.
Albeit extremely lonely most of the time for me only.
Another reason I killed my decade-long blog was because I needed my family of origin whom I've orphaned myself from for good to stop reading my blog and leave me the fuck alone.
A spiritual teaching is not to get attached to things. After all, I was not my blog. It was just a thing.
