I thought I was OK and I thought I was getting stronger. It has felt like my FOO is finally going to leave us alone and stop contacting us (unless, as I requested, it's to Feel Deal Heal). This gave me some new energy and life, and I could start visualizing my re-built future without a FOO. But, now I see that I didn't think about what it would do to me if she dies leaving things as they are. And I clearly see that that is exactly what she is going to do.
The conversation last night started out so jovial. I immediately started talking about Bernie. Mom was very surprised to hear from me, of course. I was buzzed on too much wine and cannabis and I was feeling happy. I loved learning that all of my FOO are supporting Bernie.
I was grateful to her for not sending Anna a birthday card----perhaps that's what triggered me to call her. It's the first time in our history she or any of them have honored my request from all four of us for no contact.
But then, when I bravely and gently brought up the reason for not wanting contact except to talk about and heal the abuse. SHE ONCE AGAIN DENIED EVER EMOTIONALLY ABUSING ME. I softly said, Yes, you did, mom. AND SHE HUNG UP ON ME.
She also minimizes the sexual abuse by my father.
ALL the relatives believe her. That's why I'm a pariah, a destroyed, heartbroken pariah. Because, in my FOO it was love and abuse in the same package to me. That is more crazy-making and confusing than abuse only.
The way she looked at me many years ago when we surprised her at her birthday party in Vegas per my sibling's invite. We hadn't seen her for a couple of years. My disposable Kodak caught her involuntary expression when she spotted me: Disappointment and Contempt. Two seconds later she was all smiles like nothing was wrong. I call this picture "Proof" because it's the first time I have some kind of evidence of what she really thinks of me:
