It's so bad, Dr. Z., I posted this at my blog:God, I'm So Depressed And I Feel Like I'm Slowly Dying
I just don't think I can take anymore. My FOOs abuse and neglect of me my entire life has been slowly, painfully killing me. And so often I don't even have the will to live and wish I was never born and the only thing I have to live for are my precious, beloved daughters. But that I'm actually slowly dying of heartbreak and disease. And It's All Their Fault. And They Don't Even Give A Damn.
On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 12:42 PM, Emily Ziegler wrote:
Hi Judy,I'm sorry to hear that things have not improved with your FOO. It has been a long struggle with them - one fraught with very painful moments. I can certainly understand why you want that suffering to just be over with! Despite how you are currently feeling, please remember that you've had periods of time filled with peace and creativity, despite your FOO and those times are attainable again. One thing I've learned from working with you is that you have a tremendous capacity for resilience and the ability to finding meaning and purpose in your suffering - I have no doubt that you will this time too.On a practical note, I trust that you do know how to keep yourself safe. Is there danger that you won't be able too?E
On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 1:15 PM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:
Your confidence in me sort of blows my mind, in a very good way.We're trying to decide if Richard should mail my memoir-in-progress with a note from him attached saying that if she dies before I do without admitting and healing the abuse it will annihilate me. And I truly believe it will. Coming from him it might have an impact, but probably not. If reading my book doesn't open her eyes to what she's doing to me, nothing will.I have no worries that sending it would cause any of them to contact us again (unless it's for the reasons I requested), because they have finally honored my wishes for no contact. I learned this on Anna's birthday this weekend when my ex-mom didn't send her a card for the first time in history. I got drunk and called my mom on Monday because it turns out that was a trigger for me that I didn't realize, nor did I realize I would even think to call her let alone do it. I got the assurance that they won't contact us, even though she still claims not to understand why. When I gently mentioned her abuse of me, she denied it and hung up on me. She also minimizes the abuse by my father.Do you think I should make an appointment with you to discuss what I should do? I've had chest pains and heart-palpitations for a few days because of that evil woman.Judy
On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 3:00 PM, Emily Ziegler wrote:
You are certainly more than welcome to come in for an appointment, if you think it'd be helpful. Likely, I'll keep saying what I have been about your FOO (your Mom in particular): I don't know if she has the capacity or the ability to admit to herself, much less to you, what either she or your Dad did. To have your healing contingent on someone else's awareness/insight/perspective/etc. leaves you in a very vulnerable spot. Maybe a note from Richard and maybe your memoir would prompt some response on her part but...I have a feeling that, no matter what she says now, it will be too little, too late to bring the closure you seek. Her years of denial and minimization will undermine any apology or acknowledgment she offers now - no matter how sincere. It might bring some brief relief or solace but I have doubts about the "staying power" of any apology given at this very late date. I am sorry to hear about Anna's birthday. I know you've always wanted to keep the girls separate and it must be painful to see them impacted as well now. With the exception of this, how has the drinking been going?Let me know what you decide about coming in - typically you feel better by the time the appointment rolls around :) That doesn't mean I wouldn't be more than happy to see you though!!Take care of yourself Judy. I know you want to be seen by your FOO but, if it never happens, you can survive it, should you chose to do so.E
On Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 4:46 PM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:
Emily, You are a gem and a half. I may have to mail you 20 or 40 bucks; not for you as much as for me. Make sense?I will give your wise words a lot of thought and if I still can't decide whether it's in my personal best interests to have her read my book, regardless of it not helping, I'll make an appointment. I need to look deep inside myself and ask, "Is it really that important that I tell her in detail what a shitty mother she was to me and how much damage she did to me? Or is it noble to let her go? And can I live with that?" I mean, if roles were reversed I would want to know how I hurt someone.Also, I really do fear what it's going to do to me when she dies leaving things as they are, so I am beyond grateful that I can come in to see you then. Hopefully, I mean. It's life-saving knowing you are there to help me, Dr. Z. So, don't quit your practice, and don't move away. <wink>I've got my drinking down from up to 5 times a week to 2 times a week. This was able to happen once I got through a really heavy grieving period; grieving and PTSD. And I'm glad you asked me about my drinking. It's still a work in progress. I don't know if this latest episode will set me back a bit or not. Finger's crossed.xo, Judy
On Fri, Apr 22, 2016 at 8:46 AM, Judy Acton Ayala wrote:
They are doing so well, I almost forgot to mention that Anna and Bethany are so over their grammy and my FOO, and have been since shortly after you met them back when. You'll remember that they were on their way to that point, and practically easily; because of what my FOO did/does to their mom. As sad as it is that they lost their family. As you know I was most worried about them and what it would do to them and that I ruined their lives. In fact, their strength gives me strength. So, we will be fine even if we never get any of our relatives back because of my evil ex-mother (she won't clear my name before she dies). My amazing daughters, and their dad, are also seeing the real progress I'm making with my drinking and are very supportive, albeit concerned at times. They Be My Barometers, you know! I still do my best not to impose on them when I'm drinking. It's important in our lives for me to talk to the girls periodically about my drinking progress.Update: Both girls have internships in their chosen fields. : ) Beth (animation artist) graduated from AIC in September and went to work immediately. Anna (graphic designer) graduates from SDSU in the fall. Beth also has had a commission-based business she created, drawing requests for people, since she was 18 or 19. : ) She's 21 now.
