2016 Update: I care more about this blog than I do that "they" can read it, otherwise I'd stop writing it and create a new one. As long as they finally leave me and my little family alone, there should be no problem, even though I requested that they don't read it. Since they have no interest in my writing, I'm probably safe. I hope so hard they will finally respect our wishes of no contact. I care so much about telling the truth and bringing healing. I fought my entire life to bring communication, truth, and healing to my FOO. There's nothing left to fight for so I have given up, at age 59. I can now only bring healing to myself and other survivors through my words. I finally went back to work on my heart-wrenching memoir that I wrote in 2012 that I originally wrote for them as my last Hope of getting my beloved family of origin and relatives back. But, There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See

Saturday, April 30, 2016

A Pretend Letter To My Ex-Mother To Help Heal My Tortured Soul

 I opened up my soul as a writer and this is what came out

Fay ~

Why?

Why are things the way they are between us? Why did you let this happen? Why do you hate me? Why did you emotionally abuse and neglect me my entire life (while you treated my older sister and younger brother only with kindness and respect, especially your precious son whom to you the sun rises and sets on)? Why do you deny doing it? Why do you minimize the sexual abuse by my ex-father [deceased]? Why do you tell my siblings and my relatives lies about me? Why do you want them to think badly of me? Why do you allow my beloved nephew and nieces to be turned against me?

Why did you constantly tell me that you love me? The way you think of me and treat me is not love.

WHY?!

W H Y ?!?!

I've only ever loved and worshiped you, as all children do their parents. I only ever wanted your love. I only ever wanted you to like me. I know I was a good little girl. I know I was intelligent, with a gifted IQ, and a good student (until the depression over what I was living through caused me to flake-out on getting good grades in high school. And I couldn't even manage getting an education past community college, I was so damaged).

Why do you abandon me to suffer alone? You always have and you always will.

Why don't you want what I want: Communication, Truth, Healing, Forgiveness, Reunion?!

W  H  Y  ????!!!!????

The Way You Looked At Me; Your Involuntary Reaction When You First Saw Me At Your Birthday Party In 2004. You Didn't Expect Me Or My Family To Be There. We Were Invited To Come As A Surprise By My Sister And Brother. We Hadn't Seen Each Other In Over Two Years. Your Expression Changed To A Fake Smile Two Seconds Later. No One Would Have Even Noticed The Truth Of How You Feel About Me: Contempt And Disappointment -- Had My Disposable Kodak Camera Not Caught This "Proof."

Not that you or anybody else in my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) care. But my wonderful little family cares and supports me 100%.

The Way We Looked There (and your granddaughters had no clue about the abuse then. I protected them from the truth until they were teenagers. I tried with all my might to keep them in your life, even as teens, because they loved you and you loved them, and that's how much I loved you, and I wanted them to have their family. But as of two or three years ago, as young adults, They Fuckin' HATE You And Want Nothing To Do With You Because Of How You Treat Their Beloved Mom.)




I can't want Communication, Truth, Healing, Forgiveness, Reunion anymore. I fought my entire life for that, but I was SO WRONG. For whatever unfathomable reason it's not possible because you won't allow it.

So NOW I Need To Hate You, All Of You, and have nothing more to do with you ever. If I don't Hate you, I will hate myself, as you made me do my entire life. My HATE OF YOU is HEALTHY and HEALING for me because I'm finally telling myself the Whole Truth about my feelings, and because I don't deserve to hate myself. But I still do hate myself and now I hate myself for hating you. I Did Nothing Wrong, except for being born, apparently. I must forgive myself for that. It was out of my control.

Eventually I will forgive all of you because that's Who I Am. But I will never understand. I Will NEVER Have Anything To Do With Any Of You Again. My siblings, because of you, always bullied and neglected me, and NONE of my relatives have ever been there for me.

YET, there was love and joy growing up too. There are many happy memories. There was love and abuse in the same package. As ground-breaking books like The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis explains, that makes it more crazy-making, and much harder to recover from, than if it was just abuse.

  At My Methodist Minister Ex-Father's Memorial Service 1999, Fay and Howard were long divorced (that's me on the left. my ex-mother's hand is definitely not touching me. she'd rather touch the rail.)


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