The whole thing was like a short experiment, and it's over, completely. I even got them to refund my money!
The happy truth is, between my little family here, my friends on Facebook (I have an amazing support system in the pwc community and in my spiritual community, and from a few assorted other amazing friends), my Structured Water business, my eBay business, my laptop, my TV, my notebooks, my books, my cat brothers, my kitchen, my Mission Trails Regional Park... I have a pretty fulfilling life. And most of the time it does feel that way. ...And I've got my book, my memoir, I'm writing, and I still think it could go somewhere some day.
When everything else feels failed or empty, all I have to do is think of my beautiful daughters and their devoted unconditional love and like for me, and I become instantly strong and so blessed. Again, if not for Anna and Bethany I absolutely never ever would have learned that I am worthy of love, and worthy of being liked.
My love life can drive me insane though; if you can even call it a love life. Sometimes it feels quite like a powerful and real love life, and sometimes it feels like a fantasy only, an illusion. And I don't even know where anything stands at this time. My "he" and I seem to have crashed and burned (but not in a bad way), per my choice, and it may be for the best, or it may be our usual, "It ain't over til it's over."
It's a pretty complicated relationship, but regardless of what happens now, he'll always be more family to me than my birth family.
I think I'm taking it all very well, actually.
Got high yesterday and went a little crazy on Facebook, but don't think there's any damage control to do, and frankly, I don't even care. In other words, I'm too old to care what people think of me anymore. To quote Wanda Sykes, "I'ma Be Me"
So, despite phases of calling myself horrible names like "PatheticVictimLoser", my Self Love is actually growing stronger and stronger.
My present laptop wallpaper:
