"I think I'm going to be sad, I think it's today." I am hoping writing about it will help me to feel better. I fear I am more lonely now that I've gotten my family of origin back than I was as an orphan. Isn't that SAD?! I know they love me and are glad I've returned to the family because they told me so and I could feel that truth.
But then why, in two weeks, haven't any of them contacted me? With the exception of a phone call from my mom about a week ago; but she has been ignoring almost all of my emails and text messages; they all have; mother, sister, and brother. And my words and intent have been Pure Love, as well as Profound in many respects.
They Are Withholding Their Love For Me. WHY? Is it because it's always been this way and things will never change? Even though I have? (changed) I absolutely can't try to talk to any of them about it, or ask why, or tell them how hurt I feel. It's just not allowed. I have to shut up and take it. And make sure they never know. My new MO is "More Love Not Less!" We all deserve more love not less! If they can't or won't give it to me, I will continue to give it to myself, and to them whenever I can. But for now, I need to be a Secret Orphan. I'm certain they won't notice that they don't hear from me; probably not for quite a while.
Perhaps they don't trust me. Perhaps they wish I would pretend the abuse never happened. Perhaps they don't want me to tell my story, even though it now gets the happy ending I have always wanted, and will bring healing to many.
Guessing and wondering is all I can do. If only they knew how much I love them, need them, and miss them. If only they knew how much a little bit of their time and attention would mean to me. They are all up in Washington, and I am here in southern California.
I don't know if this challenge is happening to further strengthen me and train me as a light worker, but I can certainly choose to look at it that way. I choose to take the high road and just give them space; they apparently need it. I choose, for once in my life, not to try to communicate with them about any possible issues or feelings. That's not the way I roll, but it's the way they roll.
