2016 Update: I care more about this blog than I do that "they" can read it, otherwise I'd stop writing it and create a new one. As long as they finally leave me and my little family alone, there should be no problem, even though I requested that they don't read it. Since they have no interest in my writing, I'm probably safe. I hope so hard they will finally respect our wishes of no contact. I care so much about telling the truth and bringing healing. I fought my entire life to bring communication, truth, and healing to my FOO. There's nothing left to fight for so I have given up, at age 59. I can now only bring healing to myself and other survivors through my words. I finally went back to work on my heart-wrenching memoir that I wrote in 2012 that I originally wrote for them as my last Hope of getting my beloved family of origin and relatives back. But, There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Feeling Really Bad

All I want to do is call my mom and make things right.
All I want to do is tell her I'm sorry for screaming, and talk about what happened.
I can't bear that things ended on such a crazy note.
I can't bear the separation when it's so full of hurt.
I'm having a very bad emotional and mental health day today over this.
And the reason is because I know it won't work to reach out to her.
She won't apologize to me for her insanity, and she won't even be able to see it.
She won't want to talk about what happened and she won't let me.
It will end up bringing a hell of a lot more hurt.
It's horrid having my entire family being against me. 
And for what??
For wanting to bring truth and healing to the abuse.
I don't know how I'm surviving.
But I've been doing it for 57 years.
I am so severely sad and down today.
Nothing makes sense.
All I can do is ride it out.
It's unbearable


Posted by at