Even though I'm one of the very lucky ones with a moderate case of ME/CFS, and also of Hashimotos Thyroiditis, my life is still a wasteland. But for being a mother. They'll be leaving the nest before too much longer. Then what?
Maybe it's my low thyroid talking; my levels dropped really low; will be upping my NatureThroid dosage, but my life IS a wasteland and I guess it always has been.
And how can I EVER truly like myself when my FOO (family of origin) has never liked me? And how can I ever really love myself, no matter how hard I try.
Don't listen to them when they deny not liking me; trust me, they don't; and I never felt liked growing up; except my my younger brother when we were little kids and very close. But all that changed when we were about 10 and 8, and it was due to no fault of our own; but it's been impossible to change, and now we're late middle age.
It's just too late for anything to change. My family life, my love life, my sex life, my health.
In other words, for me, this really is as good as it gets.
My passions are for my daughters, my entire family, the ME/CFS community, my True Divine Nature Spiritual Community (a community of free thinkers), nature, humanity itself, writing, of course, Structured Water, of course, true romantic love (my biggest pipe dream).
I feel like a waste of a human being, I feel useless, I feel like dead weight, I feel like a waste of space, I feel like a HUGE waste of money; poor Richard who has to support me.
So, I ask myself, since I'm absolutely Nothing, and just stuck sitting in this god damned bed, well, just write then. Just write stupid, worthless shit just for the act of writing something.
I know I'll never amount to anything as a writer.
Period.
I don't have what it takes.
But I do wish that I did. And I do wish that I could spend my days writing for hours instead of watching TV for hours. And I wish I could write something substantial. And I wish I could make money with my writing.
But I know I never will.
