2016 Update: I care more about this blog than I do that "they" can read it, otherwise I'd stop writing it and create a new one. As long as they finally leave me and my little family alone, there should be no problem, even though I requested that they don't read it. Since they have no interest in my writing, I'm probably safe. I hope so hard they will finally respect our wishes of no contact. I care so much about telling the truth and bringing healing. I fought my entire life to bring communication, truth, and healing to my FOO. There's nothing left to fight for so I have given up, at age 59. I can now only bring healing to myself and other survivors through my words. I finally went back to work on my heart-wrenching memoir that I wrote in 2012 that I originally wrote for them as my last Hope of getting my beloved family of origin and relatives back. But, There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I Might Have To Completely Orphan Myself Again

AAARGH! Here we go yet again! My descent into deep depression caused by emotional upset because of my family of origin and my relatives. I don't know that I have any choice but to disconnect from them on Facebook. I'm relatively new to Facebook and at first it seemed like a good place to reconnect with family, and at first it was. But there have been one or two great accidental hurts for me because of them as well. This latest one is kind of putting me over the edge. Because almost all of the interaction with family the past months has been so present and positive, I posted twice--a plea to family to acknowledge my ME/CFS (at long last), as no one really has in the 16 1/2 years I've been challenged with the devastating, debilitating illness that is stigmatized in the world. Let alone being there for me in any way. I thought maybe just maybe I found the right door to their hearts. Facebook has proven a safe and appropriate way to share important things with people, and it has a very strong ME/CFS community with lots of public advocacy. So I simply shared a humorous website that absolutely nails what this disease is like via joke gifs! http://constantfuckingshit.wordpress.com/mecfs-explained/ It's a great website to help raise awareness! I have to express how deeply it wounds me that not one relative acknowledged my posts. Because of this unfortunate fact, I decided to post in the comments on my FB post to the dear friends who cared---what my brother had emailed me some time ago---to make the point of how it reflects what my entire family probably thinks, apparently:

 In one email, "But as you say, since it’s incurable and untreatable, I guess it’s better to pretend it doesn’t exist."
And in an earlier email, "I don't care about your CFS."

David had sent these after I had been there for him during his horrible cancer ordeal last year! Not only there for him emotionally, but I believe I had a key part in his rapid, miraculous recovery! Thanks to the Archangel Raphael! (I had orphaned myself from my family for 1 1/2 years when my mother brought me back in when David got lymphoma. I can't tell you how much I wept when I learned that terrible news. I love my brother with all my heart. I was only too grateful to do anything in my power to help him heal.)

 If that's throwing my brother and family under the bus, well, haven't they done that to me my whole life? Starting with the incest and emotional abuse by my parents, prospectively, and then my entire family turning their backs on me and pegging me "mentally ill" after I spoke up about it with the intention of bringing healing to us through the truth?

 No wonder I'm writing a memoir! I HAVE to write it. For so many reasons.

 But right now I need to nip this onset of depression in the bud so I can get back to my normally happy state of being! I worked far too long and far to hard to achieve happiness to ever sacrifice it again, not even for any loyalty I feel for family, or my strong desire to be a part of the family. And I don't see any other way out than to unfriend all the relatives? Wait, no, I'll start by unfollowing them because that's less harsh. In other words, it is now simply causing me too much pain to see their posts on Facebook. Their happiness is a constant slap in the face to me--I mean, that's the way it feels now. Don't get me wrong! I am genuinely happy for them and I feel supportive towards them! I really do! I love them! 

 Forgive me if I'm not representing myself better in this post. That I'm not reflecting all the spiritual and emotional growth I've acquired. I'm feeling too down and too fatigued to do better right now.

 I truly wish only peace and love to each and every soul.
We have to follow our own paths.
I also truly believe that each one of us is a future Ascended Master! :)

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