People CAN change and DO change which is why I never gave up, because I love them and believed they love me. And because my father and I were starting to achieve some healing between us before he was killed in 1999. But now, even my heart-wrenching book that was supposed to save us, has turned their cold hearts even colder towards me. And they are spreading lies that it is full of "HATE" and making me sound like this monster who lives to make up abusive stories about her FOO because she's delusional and full of hate.
No one even read my book but my sister, and she's the one spreading more lies and everyone believes her; even though she was my bully my whole life. I poured my entire heart and soul and being into that memoir. The people that read it; Richard, an editor, and my psychologist, all said it was full of love for my FOO+; it was about my desperate need and hope to bring healing and reunion to my FOO+ (I basically lost all my relatives too when I first spoke up only within my FOO about the abuse back in my mid 20s). It told the truth: all the abusive stories by my FOO to me; how that made me feel; what it did to me; how I was struggling to understand it all; how I begged them to talk to me about it but they refused. The book wants to tell the TRUTH so communication and love can come in. ....But only Karen read it, or says she did. If she's not lying, then she really IS satanic to have NO compassion whatsoever for that poor, innocent, abused little girl that was me. And how that pattern of abuse and neglect by them continued my whole life. There's no other way to describe it but satanic.
They are constitutionally incapable of hearing the truth, of telling the truth, of talking about issues, of owning anything they did, of apologizing, of taking responsibility for ANYTHING.
And where there was always hope before, because they are good people, and they kept telling me they love me (and we always had great Christmases together and other holidays), now there is none and I have been cut-off by them, and it's the first time in my entire life they won't allow any contact from me.
On a spiritual level I know how much PAIN they all must be in but don't even know it to treat one of their own so horridly, and to make me expendable. And I only want forgiveness and mercy for all.
But the fact that they must really hate me is what I can't live with. And that they turned my beloved nieces and nephew against me (utter destruction of my heart). That they don't care that they hurt me, that they don't care about bringing truth and healing and forgiveness... that's the part that has me drinking myself to death, so to speak. To be told your whole life "I love you" a million times by each of them and then to finally realize it was a LIE? And I fought my whole life for them for NOTHING?!
HOW do you live with that??! HOW do you not drink over that??!!
And I've been drinking too much for a couple months. Not everyday and never more than 6 - 8 drinks--which for me is alcohol poisoning big time with my sensitive system. And I didn't start drinking 8 drinks until a couple weeks ago, most of the times I drank this year I kept it moderate 0 - 4 standard drinks.... but the last two weeks I haven't been able to drink moderately, even though I didn't drink everyday.
I want to drink moderately, but haven't been able to return to that lately and decided to stop drinking altogether again. I didn't drink yesterday, thinking it was the start of becoming alcohol-free. But I'm wondering HOW I do that when all this is still so fresh and the pain is at it's highest. Deep down I still believe I can become a regular moderate drinker because I have proven to myself I can; I did that successfully all of 2013 and 2014 and most of 2015. But when I get drunk, I end up trying to reach-out to my FOO to bring love and togetherness, which is continuously insanely hurtful to me, and must be continuously reinforcing in their minds that I'm crazy without cause.
