I think it may be time for both my daughters to know the whole story of my abuse, especially by my mother; and the degree in which I have fought my whole life for communication, truth, and healing with my FOO because I loved them and believed (wrongly) that they loved me. But I digress.
Last night I got very drunk over my so-called-mother. While drunk to escape the pain she put me in, it was a total shock and surprise to me that I wanted to call her to wish her a Happy Birthday. I was high and full of love and light. I begged Bethany to let me use her phone to call her Grammy (because my mom blocked my numbers weeks ago, and as Richard said, no mother would ever turn her back on her child if she loved her child) and Bethany finally reluctantly agreed. I put the phone on speaker so we could both say hello to her and listen to her. I was oblivious to my daughter's pain regarding this action, I'm so sorry to say. I was so blinded by my own desperate pain and need for my mother's love---which I will never get.
My so-called-mother answered because she thought it was her granddaughter. (I mean, she actually still thinks either of my girls would actually want to call her after everything she has done to their mother! In other words, my mother thinks she's totally innocent and that the only reason she doesn't hear from her granddaughters is because of me.) When she heard it was me she acted like nothing was wrong. I wished her a Happy Birthday, with love, and made Bethany do it too (shame on me!). Several minutes into listening to my mom talk about her great day, Bethany abruptly got up and left her room. I was drunk and stupid, and being very loving and happy to my mom, and I didn't know what I had done to Bethany. Bethany was clearly hurt and upset by the entire experience on many levels.
I immediately told "mom" that I had to go and hung up and went after my daughter to see if she was OK, and what was wrong. I was simply so far-gone over the edge by then that I couldn't even understand how much Bethany didn't want to be talking to her Grammy, and didn't want me to be either, and that Bethany didn't want to talk to me in my condition. She knows that woman emotionally abused and neglected me my whole life yet claims to love me, and claims she never abused me and that I'm crazy.
I really regret ever bringing my FOO (family of origin) into my daughters' lives in the first place because they formed loving bonds with them, and this permanent new orphan status for me (that I'm still trying to adjust to and make real) means they lost their family too (by their choices as adults), who was only ever loving to them, showed them lots of good times, gave them expensive presents.
It's tragic that my girls don't want to have relationships with their relatives, especially their Grammy, because I know deep down they really wish they could and they miss them.
I know in my heart I was trying to do the right thing last night by bringing love and healing and togetherness; But Drunks Are STUPID that way!!!
My so-called-mom is and will always remain OBLIVIOUS to my pain, my torturous pain over how things are. She and the rest of them will NEVER EVER get it, nor will they EVER care. They're happy in their denial, they're happy with me not in their lives, and they're happy thinking of me as crazy-without-cause.
May I Be Healed. May My Loving Little Family Here Be Healed.
