2016 Update: I care more about this blog than I do that "they" can read it, otherwise I'd stop writing it and create a new one. As long as they finally leave me and my little family alone, there should be no problem, even though I requested that they don't read it. Since they have no interest in my writing, I'm probably safe. I hope so hard they will finally respect our wishes of no contact. I care so much about telling the truth and bringing healing. I fought my entire life to bring communication, truth, and healing to my FOO. There's nothing left to fight for so I have given up, at age 59. I can now only bring healing to myself and other survivors through my words. I finally went back to work on my heart-wrenching memoir that I wrote in 2012 that I originally wrote for them as my last Hope of getting my beloved family of origin and relatives back. But, There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See

Monday, November 9, 2015

No Wonder I Woke Up So Sad -- It's My So-Called-Mother's Birthday

And of course, she and the rest of my FOO+ (family of origin and some relatives), are up there in Washington (I'm in California, they all moved up there ages ago, leaving me behind), whooping it up, having a celebration; as always oblivious to my pain and suffering and my very existence.

There. That was a pretty good vent for the morning.

I have no reason ever again to hold back my true feelings now that they have let me know unequivocally their true feelings for me, which are: contempt, disappointment, disgust..... I mean, I have always felt, my entire life, that they didn't like me, but they never admitted it. Is that why they abused me? Even as a child?

I'm full of anger, hurt, and even hate for them this morning. I don't even love them anymore. I have loved them desperately my whole life until now. I only have the kind of love for them that I have for humanity in general.

I have a lot of venting to do over time. I have a lot of recovering to do.

My life-long dream of healing and reunion with my FOO is now annihilated forever.

I can't even believe what horrible, hateful, hurtful, sick people they really are.

I DON'T wish them ill will. I ONLY wish them HEALING. I don't think they have a CLUE to how much pain they are in due to the incest and emotional abuse that they have always denied.

I'm told by Spiritual Masters that I Am A LightWorker, and I'm very interested in fully discovering myself as such and pursuing that path.

Part of that includes HONESTY. Especially being honest with yourself about how you are truly feeling and thinking. For lightworkers, feeling discordant feelings and thinking discordant thoughts transmutes them not only for self but for humanity. Thank GodGoddessUniverse!!! Contrary to popular belief, these negative thoughts and feelings don't manifest more negativity.

Fuck! If you repress such things you'll get cancer or depression, etc.

I'm rightly hurting and sad and devastated, but I'm not depressed. I know because I experience JOY, and clinically depressed people can't.

I Do NOT wish my so-called-mother a happy birthday today, but I don't wish her a bad one. I wish for her to Wake Up is what I wish for her, and to take responsibility for something for once in her life.

FEEL DEAL HEAL

I know I am!


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