Just because it feels so good to write. That's what being a writer is to me.
I'm super crashy right now. An ME/CFS crashy. So it's difficult even to keep my eyes open. the fatigue, exhaustion, muscle weakness, even the tinnitus --- leave me so deflated. It even hurts to think because it's too much exertion.
Nonetheless, I'm happy.
Good thing I know "I Don't Have To Get My Way To Be Happy!"
:D
And just so grateful the the difficult, discordant recent experiences only served to make me happier and stronger --- and so quickly too!
The crash will pass quickly and soon enough I'll be "my" normal again; fatigued and such but able to function "my" normal; so not like a healthy person's normal!
My crashes are fewer and shorter lasting you know. Mostly because of Structured Water. :D
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Sometimes I'm Just Too Sensitive For My Own Good
Like a feather blowing in the wind, I float back and forth between black and white thinking depending on what forces are at play on my psyche.
Gray is best. I need to practice in-between thinking so I can get good at it.
Feeling truly brutalized by that strange woman, who just won't stop emailing me, attacking me on different areas of my life. Total lies from her, yet it still has a big effect on me. After all, I now know myself to be an Energetically Sensitive Being.
The bottom line is, her dark energy aside that made me want to drink too much.... I don't need to be a Puritan. I need to embrace moderation in all things.
I believe in myself to achieve this because I already have achieved this with food, sugar, freedom from the victim-mentality that all incest and emotional abuse survivors have to heal from, peace, harmony, and best-friendship with my separated husband, and a degree of healing from the debilitating disease of ME/CFS. I've turned my life around on so many levels. ...Even coffee! From lots to only 8 oz. a day and lovin' that!
I do feel that alcohol is my only weakness, and that even though my use of it has improved over the decades, it still often makes me feel unhappy with myself the next day after I drink it. I'm going to keep trying because I really don't want to be a teetotaler. What I choose is to be mostly a teetotaler, with the freedom to drink occasionally. Doesn't that sound healthy?!
The only reason it's even up for debate here is because of being so brainwashed and harmed by the cult of AA that I'm an alcoholic, which I'm probably not, but my deep psyche still believes I am. It's a set-up for failure. When I was young and extremely impressionable that cult got hold of me and probably turned a problem drinker into an alcoholic. There is so much research out there supporting this theory. Had the proper help and support been available instead, I would have learned better coping skills and how to moderate my drinking; as well as help dealing with my emotional issues at the time.
Out of SPITE at this time for that woman who doesn't even know me but slammed me with her repeated AA-Nazi attacks, I changed my mind about becoming a non-drinker again! Can you blame me?! I'm fairly confident she has finally moved on to find another victim, but just because she "made me" drink too much is no reason to give up on myself... I'll not let her erroneous influence make me think I have to choose abstinence.
If I choose to be alcohol-free again it has to be on my terms born of my desire. After all, my drinking is not a problem for anyone in my life! Wow, that bitch's self-righteousness and her demeaning me as a woman really got to me. .....
OK! This Too Shall Pass!
Gray is best. I need to practice in-between thinking so I can get good at it.
Feeling truly brutalized by that strange woman, who just won't stop emailing me, attacking me on different areas of my life. Total lies from her, yet it still has a big effect on me. After all, I now know myself to be an Energetically Sensitive Being.
The bottom line is, her dark energy aside that made me want to drink too much.... I don't need to be a Puritan. I need to embrace moderation in all things.
I believe in myself to achieve this because I already have achieved this with food, sugar, freedom from the victim-mentality that all incest and emotional abuse survivors have to heal from, peace, harmony, and best-friendship with my separated husband, and a degree of healing from the debilitating disease of ME/CFS. I've turned my life around on so many levels. ...Even coffee! From lots to only 8 oz. a day and lovin' that!
I do feel that alcohol is my only weakness, and that even though my use of it has improved over the decades, it still often makes me feel unhappy with myself the next day after I drink it. I'm going to keep trying because I really don't want to be a teetotaler. What I choose is to be mostly a teetotaler, with the freedom to drink occasionally. Doesn't that sound healthy?!
The only reason it's even up for debate here is because of being so brainwashed and harmed by the cult of AA that I'm an alcoholic, which I'm probably not, but my deep psyche still believes I am. It's a set-up for failure. When I was young and extremely impressionable that cult got hold of me and probably turned a problem drinker into an alcoholic. There is so much research out there supporting this theory. Had the proper help and support been available instead, I would have learned better coping skills and how to moderate my drinking; as well as help dealing with my emotional issues at the time.
Out of SPITE at this time for that woman who doesn't even know me but slammed me with her repeated AA-Nazi attacks, I changed my mind about becoming a non-drinker again! Can you blame me?! I'm fairly confident she has finally moved on to find another victim, but just because she "made me" drink too much is no reason to give up on myself... I'll not let her erroneous influence make me think I have to choose abstinence.
If I choose to be alcohol-free again it has to be on my terms born of my desire. After all, my drinking is not a problem for anyone in my life! Wow, that bitch's self-righteousness and her demeaning me as a woman really got to me. .....
OK! This Too Shall Pass!
Monday, June 15, 2015
I Can See No Reason Not To Tell The Truth About My Drinking --- Especially Given That I'm Re-Embracing Sobriety
Yesterday, a new friend who is now an ex-friend, bullied me about my drinking and shoved AA down my throat even after I told her AA is a bad match for me. (That tends to be the way AAers roll; it's classic Cult mentality.)
She made me want to drink too much, just the way AA always made me want to drink. Until yesterday, I was secretly (except from Richard), drinking moderately occasionally.
Yesterday's drinking was so wrong for me it propelled me into choosing to be alcohol-free again, happily. (So there was a gift in the bullying.)
I've always been my happiest as a Sobrietist. In the past three decades I've been mostly sober. I do go on drinking binges. My last longest alcohol-free period was all of 2012. In 2013 and 2014 I was successfully moderating aprox. once a month. 2015 has been another story for whatever reasons.
I'm tired of trying to be a successful moderate drinker. The Recovery Movement Mentality is not healthy for me, and that includes groups like AA and WFS. I found out the hard way. Over the decades I've been in almost every recovery group created. The worst part about them is how they accidentally teach you to become dependent on them for your sobriety. That's been dangerous and unproductive for me. Quitting an addiction is an inside job and 2/3 of the population quits an addiction on their own. And the "dry drunk" mentality created by AA is a myth. It was created to brainwash people into being dependent on the group. The times I've lived as a sober woman without group support have been the most fulfilling times.
So, I'm writing this with a horrible hangover and lots of guilt for drinking too much. I drank a little more than 1 bottle of champagne... telling myself I was celebrating letting go of a toxic friendship, and also feeling strongly that she made me want to drink.
She made me want to drink too much, just the way AA always made me want to drink. Until yesterday, I was secretly (except from Richard), drinking moderately occasionally.
Yesterday's drinking was so wrong for me it propelled me into choosing to be alcohol-free again, happily. (So there was a gift in the bullying.)
I've always been my happiest as a Sobrietist. In the past three decades I've been mostly sober. I do go on drinking binges. My last longest alcohol-free period was all of 2012. In 2013 and 2014 I was successfully moderating aprox. once a month. 2015 has been another story for whatever reasons.
I'm tired of trying to be a successful moderate drinker. The Recovery Movement Mentality is not healthy for me, and that includes groups like AA and WFS. I found out the hard way. Over the decades I've been in almost every recovery group created. The worst part about them is how they accidentally teach you to become dependent on them for your sobriety. That's been dangerous and unproductive for me. Quitting an addiction is an inside job and 2/3 of the population quits an addiction on their own. And the "dry drunk" mentality created by AA is a myth. It was created to brainwash people into being dependent on the group. The times I've lived as a sober woman without group support have been the most fulfilling times.
So, I'm writing this with a horrible hangover and lots of guilt for drinking too much. I drank a little more than 1 bottle of champagne... telling myself I was celebrating letting go of a toxic friendship, and also feeling strongly that she made me want to drink.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
I Didn't Mean It
He's not withholding his love from me
If anything
He's withholding his love from himself
The Only Guarantee of Happily Ever After --- romantically speaking
You may have learned, like I did
That even reuniting with your Twin Soul on this earthly plane
Doesn't guarantee your happiness!
In my way of thinking
The only guarantee of Happiness is knowing
"I Don't Have To Get My Way To Be Happy!"
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Email To My Very Possible Twin Soul. Subject: It Makes Me Want To Write
Back to my binge-watching of Californication, and it really makes me want to pause and write something. Where better to start than with my missing Muse? It's a good series, I'm glad I re-found it. I love the changes in me since watching it once a week on TV back in 2011 or 2012, when I stopped watching it. And you know why. I love how I've changed and grown and matured emotionally. I'm not judgmental anymore, not of any character or any action. I relate to everyone's emotions... and I'm super grateful I don't have to live like they do!!!!!!! :) Happiness is so totally on the inside, dude. It doesn't matter how I "have" to live my life, where I go, what I do, how much money I have, how much success. I am finding just as much happiness right here right now just as I am. It's fun to fantasize about livin' large and stuff! That's kind of a blast! But I don't envy anyone who does. I swear to Jesus, right now I don't fucking envy anyone anywhere! How Cool Is That?! What more could a human ask for? :) WwowW, man, something sure is working in my life, huh! I suppose I could make millions if I could teach it to the world, huh! After all, no one ever said she was against making money. Oh contraire. I look forward to ALL the Abundance GodGoddessUniverse brings me. Oooops, sorry, forgot I was talking to an atheist! The atheist who loves to remind me every time he calls me that he is one! HeeHee. Keep doing it, it delights all my senses. I still feel like you and I could conversate forever. And I use that word on purpose because I like it and my momwriters hate it. I have respect you know?, Respect for the black community, brutha! And I know you do too!
I can write you anything you want: a love story, a sex story, philosophy, health, anything. Hmm. Can I write anything I want? Should I just do it? And let the chips fall where they may? I Respect you, man, and you know this. It's up to me to free my Writer. It's not up to you, I'm not waiting for that. Never. I'd never wait for something that isn't mine. Good grief, how would doing that even work?! Although, my history, I wait. I wait for men who aren't even mine. I no longer feel wounded by that though! I've healed. I understand why I did it, without judging myself. I better know who I am now. That's why I commented on Lena Dunham's Tweet about, well, wait, let me see if I can find it...
- I can't wait to grow old and I can also speak to how youth is fetishized/commodified, until your age is your sexiest detail. I'm so over it.
There! How Cool Is That! It's extra cool because I only go on Twitter maybe once a month and stay for about 10 minutes. It's just not my thang. Not yet anyway.
It's way cool having a celebrity see you, hear you, acknowledge you, favorite you! She's an accomplished writer, author, actor, director, at barely over two decades old! I feel a bit maternal towards her, I must say.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
I Posted This On Facebook Today -- Original Words And Photo
ETERNITY
We ALL Get To Create Anything And Everything We Want
Love, GodGoddessUniverse
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