Quick Note

I'm actually going to be OK, I can feel it.

And it works for me to tell my truth and to be so open and honest. It's healing.

My broken heart will heal a little bit more, and a little bit more, and a little bit more
As time passes.

On both counts:  Walking away from the man, and walking away from the FOO!
For very different reasons; the FOO is abusive, the man isn't.
I want them all back, but it's just not possible.

And I'm grateful that we are given periods of respite from deep pain and suffering during grieving.

My FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) Is An Orchestra

 

Losing

We all tend to believe, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Wonder how old that saying is? Way old.

All I know is how much I resonate with on all levels
Why lovers, since the beginning of time, kill themselves when they can't be together
Or, even if it's just one of the two that does that

I Totally Get It
Romantic Love
And I say that people who think that anything about romantic love is melodramatic in a bad way have never experienced it

I'm not saying I'm going to off myself
I'm not saying I'm suicidal

If I ever was I'd call my trusted psychologist whom I haven't needed for months
I'd also turn to my husband and two young adult daughters
(He's my separated husband of a dozen years)

I'm saying I understand that kind of pain
I understand that kind of passion
I understand that kind of connection
I understand that kind of completeness
Heart, Mind, Body, Soul

It's indescribable
It's beyond my meager words

And
I
Said
Goodbye
To
Mine
Last
Night

Our prospective lives have now separated even our perfect-beautiful friendship
ItWasMyChoiceAndIMadeItForTheGoodOfAllButEspeciallyOutOfSelfLove
We've already been separated as lovers for over a decade and haven't even seen each other either

He's not only my best friend and the only person on the planet who gets me, he's my sexual match (and solo pleasure factory), and he's my writer muse.
Did you hear what I said?
All at once I'm losing: My Best Friend, The Only Person On The Planet Who Gets Me, Masturbating, And My Writer Muse !

How I am supposed to live without him in my life seems an impossibility

OK, but so what!
Clearly, I said goodbye to him in an email for a reason
Clearly, it was Fate
Surely there is a Divine Reason
And that:  ALL IS WELL

Jesus Fucking Christ I Hate Valentine's Day

Ain't nuthin but a reminder
Ain't nuthin but rubbin' it in
That I'm apart from my Star-Crossed Lover
And probably always will be

This Is Not A Good Time For Me

Writing about things always helps to make peace with discordant and unwanted emotions.

Now that it's finally coming to the end of the hardest time frame for the most painful issues in my life, I feel more open about blogging about it. After all, as a rule, I'm not a whiner or complainer. God, it would have been a drag if I posted all the self pity I've felt since mid-November! LOL.

And there it starts: Mid-November through Mid-February is a bitch on me emotionally.

Two reasons: My FOO (family of origin), and my love life.

Jesus, it's almost over!

When February 15th rolls around I'm going to feel reborn.

Thanksgiving
Christmas
New Years
My Birthday
Valentines Day

All murder on a sensitive soul with the issues I mentioned.

I've made the best of it, and I've got so much love around me from my little family and my Facebook friends. Never underestimate the power and benefit of Facebook communities and friends. My life is so much richer, and I experience so much more love than I ever did prior to landing on Facebook late in life two years ago (age 57). I'm 59 now.

I've been drinking too much too often since December, but I've deemed it my Exempt Period from having to do consistent moderate drinking. That is, I just figured that one out last night! And I felt much better; more at peace, more confident, more relaxed in my body.

I know myself pretty well and I easily see myself doing better and feeling better on the magic day this month!

Thanks for letting me vent and tell my truth.

Aaargh. My Cat Ruined My Day!

It's so rare that one of our cat brothers, Huck Finn (Tom Sawyer is his bro), asks to sleep with me, so I let him last night. 
Big mistake.
He's outta luck next time!

He disrupted my sleep so much, and because of ME/CFS, that means bye-bye to my plans for the day! (ME/CFS patients can barely function at all after a bad night's sleep.)

Now I'm in a bad mood too.
I REALLY needed to go grocery shopping and was looking forward to it; Sprouts or Whole Foods.

The night started out perfectly.
Then sometime while I was sound asleep, curled-up on my left side, Huck decided to move to my side of the bed. That of course meant that when I shifted positions and tried to sleep on my back, I had no leg room! I had to sleep diagonally on the bed. 

And no, Huck is not the type to take to being physically moved, which means he would have ended up waking me up fully. At least at this point I was half asleep enough to fall back to sleep. But his invasion of my side of the bed ended up waking me up several times in the night... ONLY to have him then wake up at 5 a.m., jump to the floor with a thud, and demand to be let out of my room! Aaargh!

It took me so long to fall back asleep after that (especially because of looking at the clock and registering what time it was. I can explain later, maybe.), that I didn't end up waking up this morning until 10:00!

DAMN! That's 2 1/2 - 3 hours late!

Guess I thought it would feel good to tell this little tale of woe!

Everything Happens For A Reason

I know I'm not nearly as bad as my friend thinks I am
But I sure am grateful for his help in my being able to take a closer look at myself
Maybe he was a little harsh on me
Maybe his reaction to me had more to do with him than with me
Maybe it's better that we take space from one another

It's All Good

Wonder if he has a clue how ill I am in the ME/CFS that I've been challenged with for 18 years?
Wonder if he has a clue what kind of a toll that takes on a soul?
Wonder if he further understands what it's like to be an orphan?
Wonder if he really believes that I'm a "Toxic person?"
If he does, then, well, I'm better off without him in my life
But I wish him only Love

www.forgottenplague.com

My Friend Has Chosen To Block Me On Facebook

<sigh>
He did it before I could send him this pm:

Thank You For The Wake Up Call! OMG, did you make me THINK. I asked my daughters, in their young 20s, if they thought I was a Toxic person, and they said no. And I'm grateful because I ALWAYS tried to protect them from my dark side, and I was successful. But when I asked Richard, over the phone, if he thought I was a Toxic person? He PAUSED (!) He Had To Think About It! Then he said, "In what way?" All I could do at the time was hang up.

Let me tell you, I went to bed last night thinking very hard on this subject. And let me tell you, I withdrew in my bed until 1 pm today, hiding, because I felt so bad about being a Toxic person. But when I woke up, I Woke Up!

YES, sometimes when I drink too much I become a Toxic person. I swear to Jesus I didn't know. I couldn't see.

You have Helped Me So Much to get my act together, and I know I shall! xo. Thank You So Very Much.

Please stick around and witness my further growth! *I* Am one of the most Nourishing, Loving, Giving, Healing people on the planet. :D As Are YOU