Happiness And Balance Are Holding : ) Here's Why

Tell

Your

Truth

I AM FREE

In large part to having snail-mailed this letter to my my FOO (family of origin) --- and I mailed it inside my hand-made mandala cards for healing --- it was one of the best Thanksgiving's my little family and I have ever had together : ).  After months and months of torment, I'm healing again and feeling happy and at peace : ). A copy of the picture was included in the letters:

11/21/15

May You Be Blessed. May You Be Healed.

Dear FOO (family of origin) ~

            For what it's worth, I feel compelled to write you this letter. There's absolutely nothing more important than family; whether that be birth family or extended family. Our story is a tragic one, that is, for me it is. The emotional suffering I am experiencing is unbearable and the worst pain I have ever known. To have your mother (and the rest of you, and all your relatives) turn her back on you, minimize the abuse by my father, deny the abuse by her, and call me crazy because of what ALL of it did to me...  How Does A Person Live With This ??? Richard says NO mother would turn her back on her child if she loved her.

            Profound, healing books, such as the one I've been begging you all to read for decades, "The Courage To Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, as well as many other books about abuse, as well as every therapist I've ever talked to, say that THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR A PARENT TO MINIMIZE OR DENY ANY ABUSE OF HER CHILD. And so, that is where are left, for that is exactly what is happening to me. And, dear souls, that ain't love.

            I just needed to get this out of me and onto you where it belongs.

From my book:

“We forgive by letting go of blame and opening to the pain we have tried to push away.”

   ~  Tara Brach

And:

"We are told"..."that until we forgive we will never heal. We forget that forgiveness is a grieving process that often includes the expression and release of negative emotions, especially disappointment and anger. It's no use trying to avoid these painful feelings. Forgiveness that is insincere, forced, or premature can be more psychologically damaging than authentic bitterness and rage." ~ Sharon Salzberg.

            This is where I'm at. My goal, my desire, my intention has never wavered my entire life: Only to bring Truth, Communication, Forgiveness, Healing, and Understanding to my FOO and me.

            You've finally gotten through to me by finally showing me your true colors; that that is NEVER EVER going to happen. So, I will continue working on healing my life, and on forgiveness, as an orphan.

            You are not welcome to contact any of us again unless it's to (also from my book):

·         Own your “stuff”

·         Validate the person’s feelings

·         Explain to understanding

·         Apologize when needed

            I am readily and easily willing and able to own "my" stuff; to take responsibility for my mistakes and actions, to apologize and all the rest of it --- always have been always will be. That's another way I am completely different from all of you.

           

Thank you for showing me what I was never meant to become.

Thank you for teaching me what I am strong enough to survive.

This Is All I Got Right Now: A Cross-Post

jayarainbowangel.blogspot.com/more-incentive-for-me-to-not-overdrink

I Guess The Advice I'd Give People Is "Just Get Out And Don't Look Back"

I wasted my entire life trying to bring healing to my abusive FOO (family of origin), as I've been talking about lately. The more I tried to reach-out and ask them for communication, truth, and reunion, the worse it got. I'm absolutely shattered and will be for a very long time.

Today : )

Must share:

http://jayarainbowangel.blogspot.com/2015/11/thankful-i-didnt-give-up-on-drinking.html

How Do You LIVE With Something Like This??!

I go to bed every night, and wake up every morning with my heart broken to bits, and every waking moment my thoughts constantly drift back to the Deep Pain I am in over my unfathomably abusive family of origin (FOO), whom I wasted my entire life trying to bring love, healing, and forgiveness to. And not only did I miserably fail, but things spiraled way out of control, to where there is absolutely nothing left of me due to learning much more of the truth of how they truly think of me.

People CAN change and DO change which is why I never gave up, because I love them and believed they love me. And because my father and I were starting to achieve some healing between us before he was killed in 1999. But now, even my heart-wrenching book that was supposed to save us, has turned their cold hearts even colder towards me. And they are spreading lies that it is full of "HATE" and making me sound like this monster who lives to make up abusive stories about her FOO because she's delusional and full of hate.

No one even read my book but my sister, and she's the one spreading more lies and everyone believes her; even though she was my bully my whole life. I poured my entire heart and soul and being into that memoir. The people that read it; Richard, an editor, and my psychologist, all said it was full of love for my FOO+; it was about my desperate need and hope to bring healing and reunion to my FOO+ (I basically lost all my relatives too when I first spoke up only within my FOO about the abuse back in my mid 20s). It told the truth: all the abusive stories by my FOO to me; how that made me feel; what it did to me; how I was struggling to understand it all; how I begged them to talk to me about it but they refused. The book wants to tell the TRUTH so communication and love can come in. ....But only Karen read it, or says she did. If she's not lying, then she really IS satanic to have NO compassion whatsoever for that poor, innocent, abused little girl that was me. And how that pattern of abuse and neglect by them continued my whole life. There's no other way to describe it but satanic.

They are constitutionally incapable of hearing the truth, of telling the truth, of talking about issues, of owning anything they did, of apologizing, of taking responsibility for ANYTHING.

And where there was always hope before, because they are good people, and they kept telling me they love me (and we always had great Christmases together and other holidays), now there is none and I have been cut-off by them, and it's the first time in my entire life they won't allow any contact from me.

On a spiritual level I know how much PAIN they all must be in but don't even know it to treat one of their own so horridly, and to make me expendable. And I only want forgiveness and mercy for all.

But the fact that they must really hate me is what I can't live with. And that they turned my beloved nieces and nephew against me (utter destruction of my heart). That they don't care that they hurt me, that they don't care about bringing truth and healing and forgiveness... that's the part that has me drinking myself to death, so to speak. To be told your whole life "I love you" a million times by each of them and then to finally realize it was a LIE? And I fought my whole life for them for NOTHING?!

HOW do you live with that??! HOW do you not drink over that??!!

And I've been drinking too much for a couple months. Not everyday and never more than 6 - 8 drinks--which for me is alcohol poisoning big time with my sensitive system. And I didn't start drinking 8 drinks until a couple weeks ago, most of the times I drank this year I kept it moderate 0 - 4 standard drinks.... but the last two weeks I haven't been able to drink moderately, even though I didn't drink everyday.

I want to drink moderately, but haven't been able to return to that lately and decided to stop drinking altogether again. I didn't drink yesterday, thinking it was the start of becoming alcohol-free. But I'm wondering HOW I do that when all this is still so fresh and the pain is at it's highest. Deep down I still believe I can become a regular moderate drinker because I have proven to myself I can; I did that successfully all of 2013 and 2014 and most of 2015. But when I get drunk, I end up trying to reach-out to my FOO to bring love and togetherness, which is continuously insanely hurtful to me, and must be continuously reinforcing in their minds that I'm crazy without cause.

Do You Remember How I Was Certain I Was Losing My Twin Soul?

Do you remember my utter heart-wrenching devastating pain over that?

Dude! Not only did I not lose him, he's sorta into Matt Kahn now!---and he's a Devout Atheist! : )
He listened to this video on Radical Acceptance I sent him and he liked it a lot. : )

He is still my bff.
I have successfully released my desire for more than a platonic friendship with him too!
More on that another time.

I so totally lost my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) for life, but I didn't lose him!
THEY are abusive to me. HE is not!
He deeply cares about me.
He is a very good friend to me. : )


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh8mZxAkScw&inf_contact_key=46aab95b2d49a3866d9d81b5a636280f32f497411f85897368ba34f040a626af

REFRESHING and HEALING

Perfect Timing Too!
   www.soundstrue.com/lovethat