Short And To The Point

My incessant need to ramble? LOL

Writing practice, not rambling!

Happy 4th of July -- I'm not feeling very patriotic.
As much as I cherish President Obama and treasure his many great accomplishments -- the evil republicans are simply wreaking too much harm and bad energy; bad, scary, sick energy.

We need Bernie Sanders in the white house next. So badly. He's the only one I trust.

On another note, I'm lucky and grateful for my little family (there are four of us), and for non-tradtional lasagna dinner we're having tonight! And traditional cherry pie! And I'm sure we'll play a game or watch a movie! And, hopefully, Richard and I can convince the girls to climb up on the roof with us again to watch the fireworks, weather permitting!

 
 

It Was A Mistake To Have Posted That

  I could have gone forever without posting this!:

   You Wouldn't Like Me If You Knew I Am In Love With A Married Man...


   The only reason I posted such a thing, and even shared it in a private Facebook writer's group, was because of my uber sensitivity over being brutally bullied by a woman friend on Facebook that I trusted with my truth. I basically got a little drunk and a little stoned and let that out; what I wrote above.

  Now I can clearly see that it was an unloving thing to do to myself; the way I worded the title and the post itself. I'm leaving it on my blog though because I'm not ashamed of my mistake. I feel bad that I was clearly hating on myself so much and inviting others to hate on me too. I guess that's what being bullied does to a psyche though; it feeds any self-hatred you already have.

  The married man is my true friend. We have been platonic for a decade. His wife knows we're friends. His marriage is stronger and happier because of our two-year affair. We were both separated at the time; me more-so than he; for him it was more like they were living separate lives. I have no secrets from my loving family.

  I still have no women friends I can tell my truth to. The few times I have tried over the decade to a few women---I have been met with harsh judgments and the loss of their friendships. It sucks. I feel like I have no true friends presently because if they knew about him they wouldn't be my friends. He's such a big part of me, he's family to me, I could never give him up. 


.....I do love to test people on their judgmentalness though. Posting such things does just that. 

Writing Is My Therapy

These are my feelings now that may or may not pass.
They've been with me all day.
There were no altercations or collisions --- and I've been nothing but a Love Bug to my FOO since bringing them back into my life --- but today I feel like I, and this is heavy, betrayed myself by sharing photos of our wonderful camping trip to the redwoods with people that don't truly like or appreciate me! And that has me quite depressed. And contemplative.

I Wasn't "Judged" But I Was Politely Ignored

 So, I posted this P.S. at my loving spiritual community's Writer's Facebook page; to my post that had the link to my blog post about my married friend:


Just a crazy writer going out on a limb again, I guess!, finally not afraid to tell her story. In my real world, everyone knows everything and is cool with all. It's a remarkable story of love, determination, dedication, healing, and hard-won lessons. It's what happens when you find your twin soul but you're both married to other people, and both marriages are already experiencing separation. And how, ultimately, because of how love creates more love, both marriages grow closer and stronger. It's an impossible win/win story! And it's mine! 

I'm Proud Of My Previous Post, But I'm Delaying Logging-On To Facebook To See Any Reactions To It!

I am very proud of my post below. I'm proud of my life. I'm proud of myself. I don't overly care what anyone else thinks of me, I only care what I think of me. I love the people in my life very much. I want the freedom to be able to express that love for each and every one of them, regardless of our life-situation or circumstances.

I'm tired of living in secrecy and shame when I'm not even doing anything wrong. Especially given that there are no secrets among my loved ones and me. We are open and honest with one another.

As a writer it is so important to me to tell my truth. You can't even be a good writer if you don't do that. And as a mother it is important to me to be real with my daughters, now in college. And their dad is my best friend and always has been. As a lightworker it's very important to me to be as authentic as possible, warts and all.

I'm going to need some time to process what I've done here yesterday before I feel confident enough to log-on to Facebook, where I posted to certain people about my married man, because in my experience, the three women friends I trusted at different times over the past 12 years with my truth, ended up hating on me for it, and are no longer my friends. They just couldn't see beyond their own judgments into my heart and soul, or his, for that matter.

All I know is how good and how needed it feels for me to write this --- but I do need time to process! Like I think I ought to psyche myself up first in case there are judgments coming my way. I also need to get over my hangover, darn it, I did it again!

OHH how I'm looking forward to our road trip to the REDWOODS on Tuesday!!! Speaking for myself, I need a vacation like nobody's business. My last vacation was in 2007. That's just too long.

 

You Wouldn't Like Me If You Knew I Am In Love With A Married Man, Would You

My imagined post on Facebook!
How I yearn to go public....

Are you fucking kidding me?!
I've wanted to go public since I found him in 2003!

I was mercilessly cyber-bulled by Leigh, whom I trusted, for my truth that I shared with her; and her bullying went on and on and on for many pm's and emails... that and for drinking (she's an AA Nazi, unbeknownst to me prior).

He was my high school crush
We accidentally found each other 30 YEARS later on classmates.com when it was brand new (2003)
For the past decade though, we've been getting to know each other as strictly platonic friends
Over the phone
He lives 600 miles away

He's in a solid, healthy marriage
I am too, even though my spouse and I have been separated for about 15 years

Life Is Funny

Especially the part about that I'm not allowed to celebrate my Pure Love for both men, but specifically for my married friend. I'm not permitted to. It's not allowed in society...

No Wonder I Always Said, "The Older The Better!" When I Was Growing Up

This is a post about my pride and gratitude for the totally unexpected --- even impossible --- positive turns of life; with me at the helm. (Universal "me" because we are all One and when one of us heals, we all do.) (There must be trillions of bits of healing that can happen to each one of us. So when I say we are all healed, I mean a megabyte of healing has taken place. And it's probably permanent, for this is the new paradigm.)

How's that for deep? I don't know who of my close loved ones would grasp such teachings! I'm kinda out there on a limb all by my lonesome! I mean, amongst my close loved ones! Peeps in my spiritual Facebook community would totally resonate. I'm so not alone. I'm so not crazy.

I've learned how to fully enjoy drinking alcohol, and I've learned how to drink only moderately. I've completely DEFIED AACult, who started defying me in my mid 20s with their toxic bullshit brainwashing about myself; who caused me so much more harm than good; who caused me to become a much worse problem drinker because they not only made me want to drink, they made me believe I was an alcoholic. Deeply so in the worst sense. Is it any wonder that CultAA is responsible for hundreds of suicides?!

But I digress, sort of. I'm not here to expose the truth about CultAA, I'm here to Celebrate Me! Because the world needs much much more of that. Celebrate Yourself. Uplift consciousness by plying yourself and others with Compliments and Blessings. Do It! Do it now! :)

My Living Journal

It feels so good to have my blog. I'm so grateful for its friendship. I really mean that. As far as I know I'm the only one who reads it, and I not only don't mind that, I kind of relish in that. It's like my own private publication. Maybe I'm ready to write in it more often and just allow myself that freedom.

Been thinking today how I've finally decided that what I really am in this lifetime is a lazy bum! And that I actually like that! If I am, well, I fought loving it, I fought surrendering to the truth of that up until very recently.

I mean, I get bored and restless a lot forced to live this mostly sedentary lifestyle due to disease, and those are the times I can sort of hate on myself, unfortunately. Especially when I consider that I don't have to be bored and restless if I took myself seriously as a writer and just wrote for hours a day.

But that is just Too Much To Ask of myself (yet)! So, what's the positive alternative? EMBRACING MY LAZY BUMNESS, that's what! (and that twisted voice inside that criticizes me for wasting my time by writing all day, and that somehow watching shows and movies instead is OK!)

Thank GodGoddessUniverse I believe that we simply can not get it wrong in life, no matter what! Because whatever we're doing we're doing for the experience of it as eternal beings; as a way for consciosness to experience being a Lazy Bum, for example! God says, "That's way cool! Let's do absolutely nothing for a lifetime! Let's see what that's like!" After all, God wants to do it all, and does. And we, as immortal seeds of God have all of eternity to "get it right" and to experience absolutely EVERYTHING we want to experience.

No, I'm not under the influence of pot or booze! This is just raw me!