Am I Actually Finding The Key To Everlasting Joy?!

This is so interesting to me. Unexpectedly (because I'm still so new to learning my new spiritual practices), shortly after I posted the previous blog post I was OVER IT! I was back to my usual state of peace and joy.

Concurrently, I happened to re-listen to Matt Kahn's recording on how to have everlasting joy! In other words, I was still feeling so depressed so I started listening to it. It was weird because listening to a spiritual teaching when you are depressed triggers your unhappy ego to make stabbing attack thoughts at it and at your own self! Ha Ha!

I had completely forgotten the message of that recording and was dying to hear the secret to everlasting joy! So was my ego! Ha Ha! My ego was telling me whatever it was it couldn't be real or true or I would have remembered it---if it was that great!

But then, after a while, Matt got to the point(!) and he said the words I had heard before but had forgotten but now remembered. Probably because it was so simple of a concept that it seemed unreal and too good to be true.

He said that all we have to do to have everlasting joy is two things:

Ask for what we want
and
Talk about how we are feeling

And by the time I realized I was happy again, I also realized that was exactly what I had done on my blog, and that was why I was in joy again. Do you follow?

Apparently our souls require that we always ask for what we want no matter what. All damn day! To ourselves or to others! It's the ego that only asks for what it wants only if it thinks it's going to get it. Egos won't ask for something they want if they think they're not going to get it. I clearly asked for what I want with my mother, knowing full well it was impossible. But I ASKED. It's not even necessary to ask the person in question (and is a bad idea of an abusive person). It's not about getting what you ask for it's about asking.

Talking about our feelings is very important. No matter what they are. I clearly expressed how I was feeling, didn't I. :)

Good stuff, bad stuff, happy stuff, sad stuff---whatever the topic or the want: Ask! and Emote!

I'm not good at talking about or explaining these things yet, but I "get" it inside.

Feeling Really Bad

All I want to do is call my mom and make things right.

All I want to do is tell her I'm sorry for screaming, and talk about what happened.

I can't bear that things ended on such a crazy note.

I can't bear the separation when it's so full of hurt.

I'm having a very bad emotional and mental health day today over this.

And the reason is because I know it won't work to reach out to her.

She won't apologize to me for her insanity, and she won't even be able to see it.

She won't want to talk about what happened and she won't let me.

It will end up bringing a hell of a lot more hurt.

It's horrid having my entire family being against me. 

And for what??

For wanting to bring truth and healing to the abuse.

I don't know how I'm surviving.

But I've been doing it for 57 years.

I am so severely sad and down today.

Nothing makes sense.

All I can do is ride it out.

It's unbearable

Resolving Soul Contracts

According to one of my spiritual teacher's, Matt Kahn, we can resolve Soul Contracts with unwilling participants by ourselves, by repeatedly saying to our own hearts the words we want to hear from those we have unresolved Soul Contracts with. It's our Purpose in life to resolve Soul Contracts. Those who cause your heart discord in any way when you think about them are those whom you have Soul Contracts with.

I'm game to try.

For two minutes every morning, two minutes every night, and often throughout the day, for one week, I am going to say these two sentences out loud to my heart. I'm starting with my mother.

"I am so very sorry I don't like you, that I abuse you, and turned all your family and relatives against you. You were right all along."

Yes, THAT's EXACTLY how I feel today. THATs ALL I can come up with in my deepest being. It sounds so harsh to me. And part of me feels like instead the two sentences should be:

"I am so very sorry I hurt you and didn't listen to you or support you. I love you very much, am here for you now, and ask for your forgiveness."

Who knows, maybe if I honor where I am at NOW, and start there, my sentences will change during the week.

I need to resolve Soul Contracts with soooo many people; practically every member of my family, meaning almost all the relatives who were in my life.

If Matt is right and this works, I will be at peace in my soul and my life will blossom.

If he's right then I've been going at it all wrong my entire life by trying to have heart-to-hearts with the people who I want and need to achieve healing and forgiveness with. He said that the people who hurt you and don't "hear" you are the LAST people you should be trying to talk to!

~*~*~*~*~*~N O W~*~*~*~*~*~

BUT

I Tried To Help My Daughters And Their Cousins

After what happened here: My Mother Abused Me On So Many Levels

And here: Thought I Would Try To Reach Out To My Brother

I wanted to do a kindness for my nephew and nieces to let them know that my girls' decision not to go up to see them and their Grammy this Christmas has nothing at all to do with them. So I private messaged them on Facebook:

Dear Sean, Candice, Kristin, and Lauren ~ I just want you to know that your cousins, Anna and Bethany, think the world of you. We all do. We know you all are innocent regarding the unfortunate toxic discord in my FOO (family of origin). That is, they are very aware that they will be able to form relationships with you all on their own, and that's what they intend on doing as they progress in life! I don't know when or how that will unfold, but I hope it's soon! They are always here for you, please know that. I know they'd love to hear from you anytime! You would like them; they are awesome people! Them missing the gathering this Christmastime is no reflection on you guys, and I just wanted to let you know that! Much love, Aunt Judy

To my surprise Candice and Lauren pm'd back:

Thanks for this message. I can see that your heart is for us and for your kids. I can feel the love. Still it makes me sad whenever you talk about your FOO...

 Aunt Judy, us cousins, all 6 of us, are innocent in this battle. But I cannot help my heart when it feels so utterly offended that your disregard of your FOO is my Father, the most important man in my life, and my Grammy, a woman who has brought so much love and happiness to my soul and is now my only living grandparent. This is a conversation I am not prepared to embark in. You, Anna, and Bethany are blood. I don't forget that. Even if communication is not frequent I do not forget that. It’s a family love that does not need to always be spoken with words. And it’s a family dynamic that is long distance. I just saw some cousins from my Mom’s side I had not seen since I was 16 years old. There was no resentment. No hard feelings. Just the sheer joy of catching up in each others' lives. I cannot be a part of whatever family battle you are so fiercely fighting. With that, I send this message with best intentions. We will miss the girls at the Christmas play. I wish they could come so we could all spend time together. I will be making it over from Hawaii and Kristin over from Mississippi.

And I did too:

I'm very relieved that you understand that Anna and Bethany's decision not to go to Washington had nothing to do with you. And I hope you understand that we all know your innocence in absolutely everything. You all are precious angels; beautiful, precious angels who deserve only love and joy. Over the years as children and young teens, I never ever brought any of you or my girls into the drama and crisis I have with my FOO, I protected all the children from it. And despite that drama and my estrangements from my FOO, I always made sure that my girls were part of their family who loves them and whom they love.

You are adults now. I do not feel I have to protect you from the truth or hide it from anybody, because that doesn't help a single soul. As an incest survivor and emotional abuse survivor who's FOO has refused time and time again to acknowledge, let alone support me, it has been terribly, terribly lonely and painful and difficult for me finding that balance of allowing my girls to have their family, while at the same time honoring my boundaries.

I have no intention of bringing you into the drama now. I simply reached out on behalf of my beloved daughters and that required telling you the truth. But, dear souls, I have been silenced and censored my entire life and I won't be silenced ever again. Period. The truth has been buried, and erroneous things have been spread about me among the family my whole life. I love my FOO more than anything and I have a huge heart that only ever wanted truth, forgiveness, healing, and reunion. My many, many, many efforts to bring healing to my FOO and me through trying to have open communication have permanently failed. I only hope to help and inspire other survivors to break the silence of their devastating secrets. I have learned that not only does The Truth Set You Free, but it is what has slowly healed my traumatized psyche and my life.

I won't be contacting you again about this sensitive stuff, but please know that I am always here for you. And also please know that the truth is that there are truly No Bad Guys in our family; only unconsciousness and hearts in need of love. I know the six of you cousins will have a very happy, drama-free, present, healthy, fun, harmonious connection together. It won't be tainted by any of this. That's all I can ask for!

My daughters, of course, are hurting over everything, but they understand everything too and they feel they made the right decision. I'm going to make it up to them as best I can by taking them to a play at Christmas! The four of us are going to see A Christmas Carol, and I got second row center seats!

It's heartbreakingly clear that I am a total orphan for life and that my relatives blame me and think I am the one who hurt my FOO (without cause), not the other way around.

What a kick in the teeth, eh?

I Thought I Would Try To Reach Out To My Brother

I was going to send this email to my brother:

  Man up and get your hands dirty, bro. This family needs a kick in the pant​s. It needs Help. It is such an effing mess. You can't see it because you all want to continue to pretend it's all me, that I'm the only problem.

  Because of mom's psychotic behavior, which triggered my Primal Scream, we couldn't even have a conversation. If we could have, it would have resulted in mom getting her way this Christmas. I'll probably never have a family (you all), but I have always wanted my girls to have you, and I still do. We'd all like to have the six cousins reunite and we'd all like to see Anna and Bethany see their Grammy again. It pains me to say that though, under the circumstances, a portion of which I blogged about. Brother, I've been silenced my entire life. I won't be silenced any longer. Period. Let the chips fall where they may. May a Miracle of Love and Healing somehow finds its way to us.

http://judyactonayala.blogspot.com/2014/09/my-mother-abused-me-on-so-many-levels.html

But I sent it to Richard first and he said:

Judy:

Personally, I think it would a waste of time and effort.  He is NOT interested in acknowledging that there is an issue other that "Judy is crazy".  Everyone else has chosen not to deal with the issue and move on with their lives, leaving you broken and suffering.  Unfortunately each time you try to re-connect after stopping contact with them you reinforce their bullshit opinion of you; the on-again, off-again just fuels their perception.  I honestly believe that they don't believe the incest and emotional abuse, or if they do, they feel that you are making it more than it was.  SICK!  In all my dealings with them, they have NEVER acknowledged anything! It was as if it never happened!  Reading your book has opened my eyes to the sick twisted shit and I wish you could just say THE HELL WITH THEM!  You have made a remarkable recovery, you have done SO much work on yourself, and NONE of them were there for you in any of it!

My opinion?  You're better off without them.

Love you

He's right. Wasn't it my brother who recently told me he doesn't care about my illness and it's better to pretend it doesn't exist? That after I had been there for him during his severe cancer scare.

And it's more than them not believing me about the abuse, it's about the abuse never ending to this day.

I'm forced to re-think trying to support my daughters' having a place in my FOOs lives. That hurts a lot. Had I been as awake then as I am now (and I'm not fully awake yet), I would have orphaned myself from my FOO when I first got pregnant 23 years ago.

It's so much more difficult when there is love and abuse in the same package. Had it been only abuse, it would have been easy to walk away.

My Mother Abused Me On So Many Levels Yesterday All I Could Do Was Primal Scream. I'm SO OVER Her. I'm DONE. And This Is Going In My Book

This is going to be hard to write but I have to write it. I have to DECLARE it. I'm still in shock, probably PTSD, and I'm in a big ole physical CFS-Crash because of the mental and emotional toll from her unexpected phone call last night. The PTSD is not an exaggeration to make a point; a trusted doctor recognized it in me early this year. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of my FOO (family of origin). Dr. Heng put it in my medical records!

Let me just start with this picture that says it all. It's my PROOF Pic of my mother's truest feelings for me.

Scanning the photo into the pc diminished her facial expression and frown of disappointment and contempt. This was taken years ago at her 75th birthday surprise party. I was the surprise. Or should I say shock. This is the look on her face the moment she saw me. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of years. My family and I drove up from San Diego to Las Vegas, per my sister's invite, where my FOO had flown to from Washington to celebrate. That expression lasted for only a second, then she switched to being all fake smiles. In other words, her true feelings were revealed involuntarily. I'm so grateful to God for allowing me to capture the truth of that moment on a little disposable Kodak camera. After a lifetime I finally have some validation, or PROOF of my mother's feelings about me. No one in my FOO has seen this picture. But you know what? Even if they had they still would not see the truth.

That is not a face that is happy to see me. But to this day, I am the only one in my FOO who can see--who knows--that my mother doesn't like me. I don't even think she loves me. She says she does, of course. She's always said she does. It's been a great source of confusion and crazy-making for me.

Last Night

The phone rang. Caller ID said it was my mother. She never calls me except when there is a random crisis in the family or something. I was in a zen-like state of mind at the time, which happens to be my new normal state of mind, and my heart felt full of love and there was not a moment's hesitation to answer her call. No matter how much time passes, or how much hurt lives on, she's still my mother whom I love with all my heart and soul. It's instinctual, it's in my DNA, to be there for her.

The phone call started out with great pleasantries and mutual affection was felt. She asked me how I was, I said good! and she said she was good too! Clearly, recent widowhood agrees with her. She didn't ask me about me at all, she talked about her life. That's completely the norm. All I can do is intently listen when my mother talks because she won't let me get a word in edgewise. So I listened last night to her telling me how she only lives in the Now and that she has been thinking about something. And she told me that she thinks about me every day, which surprised me. 

I perked up with hope because it felt like she was about to say something personal and beautiful and transcendent to me about how she didn't want to live her Now without me anymore, and that then she would go on to describe an idea she had about how we could be in each others lives. Or something along those lines. I myself had been pondering her recent words to me over the past several months about how she only wants to live in the Now... but huh? I'm not in her life so I guess she's very happy about that, I guess that's the way she wants her Now to be.

But then, on the phone, she surprised me last night by telling me that she wanted to fly my girls up for Christmas so she could take all her grand kids out to a show for one last time. The tradition for my mother and her grand kids (they all lived in Washington) that are not my kids was to take them to a show every year. In 2010 was the first year my kids were included in that tradition, and my mother flew them up to Washington. I'll have to ask my girls what Broadway musical it was because I have forgotten. 

So my mom elaborated about her big brilliant plan to me on the phone and I listened. She wanted the cousins to get reacquainted with each other as adults; my girls have not been in the loop ever. There's their four cousins, two sets of siblings, who are close, and then there are my two daughters who have always been very separate from them. When Anna and Bethany went up there that year they all had a marvelous time. It made me very happy to allow them to do that despite the estrangement between me and my FOO. I raised my girls to love their family and to be a part of them. I thought it was the right thing to do. My girls love them and they love my girls.

But as my mother kept unfolding her idea to me last night, I felt smaller and smaller, and my heart sunk a bit in disappointment that my mother wasn't acknowledging me or being sensitive to the real situation at hand. The real situation at hand is complex and convoluted and is of a very sensitive nature. And the bigger part of me was listening with an open heart and an open mind, only wanting love for my daughters and my FOO, only wanting love and reunion for them.

Mom wants to pay to fly my girls up to see a Broadway musical with her and the girls' four cousins, and probably my sister, who is involved with everything. And then my brother and his wife, and all the rest of the clan will probably all go to dinner together. At the end of her speech my mother said that I could come too if I paid my own way. She knows that can't happen financially. But the truth is, we really need to leave my presence out of this equation because I am still an orphan. The sad reality is that I still have to orphan myself from my FOO in order to save my life and my sanity. But the bigger truth is that they orphaned me decades ago.

When mom was done with her proclamation she asked me what I thought about her plan. I took a deep breath and said very honestly, "I don't know" That this was a bit of a shock. She asked me what I thought the girls would say, and again I gave a thoughtful, "I don't know." I could tell my mother didn't like that answer. I'm supposed to jump up and down in excitement and squeal how happy and grateful I am and that of course she can do this for the girls! But again, the truth is it was perfectly logical and healthy for me to not know and need some time to figure it out. 

So then mom asked me to explain what I was thinking. Another deep breath. I gingerly started to say that I love the idea of a reunion for all the cousins and that it would bring healing to the present situation of my brother's girls shunning all of us.  .....OOOPS, even though I said it with such sincere love and caring my mother IMMEDIATELY cut me off and YELLED at me in that way too familiar overused tone of contempt for me I've heard my whole life. She acted like I had said something totally out of the blue and unwarranted (which isn't true and I'll explain in a moment), that I was being cruel and attacking, that I was lying, that I was a horrible person, that I was crazy... I could go on and on how deep this goes and all the layers to it. She wouldn't let me talk or explain. She yelled at me that, "I'm not going to do this with you, Judy!" Meaning, to her, I was making shit up out of the blue with the purpose of unfoundedly attacking my family with false accusations. In other words, she thinks the very worst of me and I'm too evil to even be heard.

I was DYING inside. My heart and soul being ripped-out for the millionth time by her. I really don't have the language to describe what it was like and how she was being. It was SO AWFUL and INSANE.

The conversation was over at that point, there could be no recovery now. No matter how slowly I breathed and how calmly I spoke, I could hardly get a word in between her screeching at me, I could not calm her down. I tried in vain to ask her to please let me talk, that she asked me to talk, that I am a good person with a good mind, that my intentions are of love... and the whole thing escalated out of control. I am no match for her degree of crazy. The ONLY way out for me was to hold the phone at arms length and SCREAM a Primal Scream. I had no choice. She drove me to it. She was crazy and she made me insane. It was the way she raised me too.

She hung up on me then. I knew she would tell the family that "Judy is totally mentally ill now!" And they will believe her! I was so emotionally disturbed at that time that I continued to VENT it all out with a few more of the loudest and primalest screams I had in me. I didn't even care that I wouldn't grab a pillow to scream in. I didn't even care that my windows were open and the neighbors could hear me. Anna and Bethany were home to witness the entire thing via hearing distance. Maybe a neighbor would call the cops thinking someone was being accosted, I didn't care, I'd explain to the men in blue what happened and they'd believe me! No cops would come; good. In that moment I FELT insane! But I knew I wasn't, I knew I was healing myself in the moment the only way I knew how to. Like a Godsend, Richard had just come over to pick up the pieces that were left of my shaking body and psyche.

The story of my feeling shunned by Kristen and Lauren, my brother David's daughters, is actually a rather poignant story in a way. And in my eyes those young ladies are innocent in it all.


I've only been on Facebook for a few months. Most of my relatives there, whom have not been in my life either at all or for a couple of years since I orphaned myself, accepted my Friend Requests, and we had been harmoniously connected via Liking or Commenting on each others posts. It was really awesome! It filled me with so much hope of reconciliation and reunion. It was a safe way to be in each others lives because it was casual, surface level, and positive. The one on Facebook who would not friend me was Karen, my sister. Others, like my mother, my brother, a couple cousins, Friended me but don't participate on Facebook. Several other cousins do, and so did Sean and Candice, my sister's kids; we Liked and Commented on each other. 

Kristin and Lauren have not Liked or Commented on one single post of mine or comment to them on their posts, or to my tagging them. That was a bitter pill to swallow for me. As adults I had no idea they had negative feelings about me? I chocked it up to what their parents and their Grammy (my mom) must have taught them to think about me... and that hurt a lot. I had always thought things were always cool between me and all the kids. I ADORE each and every one of them and thought they have always known that. I have felt that they really adored me too. There was no reason for this not to still be true even with the distance, because our relationships have always been loving and kind, and I always kept them out of the drama between me and my FOO. Remember, I am an incest survivor and an emotional abuse survivor. Who has worked tirelessly and unsuccessfully to bring healing and forgiveness.

But what took the cake? When I Private Messaged the four of them that Anna, their beloved cousin, was graduating from junior college and was headed to SDSU in the fall, and I asked them to please give Anna a 'shout out' text message on her phone, and I gave them her number! I STILL can't comprehend why only Sean texted her a Congratulations! It shook me to my core pretty much, and it broke my heart for my innocent and sweet daughter who has always looked up to and admired and loves her cousins! I decided to be pro-active.

First I acknowledged Sean by Private Messaging him, Candice, Kristin, and Lauren:

 "Thanks for your love to Anna, Sean, it put a smile on her face ~smiley face~ I don't think she heard from anyone else here. Sorry to have bothered you?"

And maybe the next day or so I Private Messaged them this:

"May I share my thoughts with you? ~heart~ You guys need to remember that Anna and Bethany came along late in the game because they were born many years after you all ~smiley face~. They always loved you and looked up to you ~smiley face~. You have to remember that a reason they are not more present in your lives is because they were never brought into your circle by you. What was needed was for you to have reached out to them as they were growing up and welcomed them in. But they were rarely contacted by you. I have to believe this has everything to do with the strained relationships between my FOO (family of origin) and me. It's a shame the innocent girls had to pay a price for that. Maybe one day it will all make sense for all concerned. I really hope and pray that one day I can help with that, and be a catalyst for healing and forgiveness. I love you all very much! ~heart~ I'm very sorry things turned out the way they did between me and everyone, but it truly couldn't have been helped. I know we are all very good people though! ~smiley face~"

They all saw it but none replied, and that's OK, and that's what I expected. I don't think I worded it very well. I was very nervous and scared to try to talk to them like that. It was a first.

Because I can never give up hope that my mother will ever change and start to include me in the loop in the family, I decided to set an example and kept her in the loop and sent her an email explaining the whole story. This was what I said in the beginning of the email:

"Mom, In the spirit and desire for open communication between all in order to bring reunion between all (unless it really is too late), I keep you in the loop and hope you will do the same for me. I'm braced for this to come back and bite me though. But I was put here to be the one to try to talk about what is real. It's a Very Lonely position to be in. I pray so hard you recognize how much I love and respect you as my only reason for opening up to you here. Yesterday I sent this to my nieces and nephew via a Private Message at Facebook:"

And that was that. No reply from mom, of course. Three months later last night happened. I mean, she couldn't listen to her daughter with compassion and help bring light and healing to the matter last night? Where I was going, if she'd have let me, was to simply acknowledge the present situation and shine my gratitude on what this get together would do for everyone! But now, because of her own undiagnosed mental illness, the experience is lost forever.

I MADE THE DECISION OUT OF SELF LOVE NOT TO TAKE CALLS FROM MY FOO EVER AGAIN. I AM ALLOWED TO MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR MYSELF.



You know what? Since writing this out I'm actually NOT in a CFS-Crash like all the times before, and I'm NOT having PTSD either! I feel sad and traumatized, but I feel whole, grounded, and strong even more-so!

 
This means I truly am growing, evolving, healing, and changing. This means I AM in Self Love.

"I'ma be me!"

Thank you Wanda Sykes for that cool declaration that I'm only too happy to liberate from you!

When there's no one to give love to I give love to myself. My purpose is to let my love out. When I'm feeling sad, it's because I'm not letting my love out. And in my case often there is no one to let my love out to. So here I am. I guess I'm not complaining; it is what it is which by definition means it's OK. 

I decided to have a celebratory glass of structured Guinness Draught. I guess you could say it's my quad-annual imbibement, since I only do it about four times a year. And I feel really good about that and totally chillaxed. Okay, THAT is reason to rejoice! WHAT a MAJOR TRANSFORMATION! People really CAN radically change, even from alcoholic to truly occasional drinker, and I certainly have! I'm not too shy about telling the world anymore, even with the risk of being misjudged and criticized and misunderstood. I'ma Be Me! I am a Sobrietist and I define what that means for me. I've been successful at enjoying a drink now and then without consequence for two years now. It's time to come out of the closet about it because I trust it now. I trust myself now. And I trust the way my body and brain handles alcohol now. For pure preference as well as for health I have no desire to drink regularly.

Now that I'm Structured because of Sacred Structured Water, I automatically and inherently practice Self Care in all things which means I don't overdo many things anymore. I'm only human and I'm so new that I definitely blow it now and then with food. Structuring alcoholic beverages and coffee makes you want to consume less because it packs a bigger punch, not to  mention that structured drinks don't give you a hangover. If I'm lyin I'm dyin. Ask Clayton Nolte! Like him, the inventor of SW Devices, I'm ahead of the world in this knowledge, but it's part of my work to teach it to the world. What if changing ONE thing could change everything? ~ Clayton Nolte.

Even before SW came into  my life like a miracle, I had already undergone such a personal transformation that I believe my very physiology was improved, and I had so successfully deprogrammed from the Recovery Movement Mentality that I was able to partake in the good spirits as I chose to. And I've always been meds-free; totally meds-free.

I'm talking about myself too much, but it's with the intention of healing others via my experience and via shining my Light. Besides, it's My Blog! It's all about moi if I want it to be. I'm only getting started at how much I have to share with the world in order to help transform it. I feel as though I'm gearing up for something GREAT. And I Love that.

Who says a poor, ill, 57-year-old woman who lives life mostly from her Throne (bed) can't help change the world?

Ultimate Vow:   

I No Longer Wish To Harm Myself. 

I Step Into The Light 

Of My Soul's Highest Destiny 

Here And Now As I Am. 

And So It Is.

~  That is lovingly downloaded from Matt Kahn