Understanding Is Coming To Me About Why I Needed To Go Back To My FOO

(family of origin)

I thought it was because I resolved our soul contracts and that we could be happily reunited and healed.

But it was actually because there was more truth for me to learn about what kind of people they really are, and what they really think about me.

Very sad and tragic and wretched, even.
But I am emerging from the worst pain ever into clarity and enlightenment.
And I WON'T perish, I'm growing stronger than ever.
I'm gaining more Self Love than ever.

So, it's GOOD to be an orphan again!!!

More later...

Email To My Cousin (FOO+ = family of origin and relatives)

It's finally revealed to me that mom, and therefore my entire FOO+ thinks I made the whole thing up; thinks I made up the abuse; all of it. (She thinks one tiny incident happened; something basically insignificant.)

  Well, it's more important now than ever before that she reads the book I poured my heart and soul and everything else into. Again, she had said that she wants to read it. Before she shuffles off this mortal coil she needs to get her facts straight so she doesn't have to come back and do it all again.

  She recently made a very intimidating and manipulative call to Richard, and he said it was like she was trying to validate for herself the belief in the lies she has been telling herself my whole life.

  Richard certainly believes me; every word. Not only did reading my book do that for him, he witnessed much abuse against me himself over the decades.

  Thank God for him and my girls. I really would be crazy or dead if I didn't have them/if they didn't believe me.

  I've been drinking way too much this year (abstaining for a few days presently), which only serves to confirm in the minds of my FOO that I really am crazy (when I drunk-dial them in my love-bug self; still trying desperately to bring healing and reunion, and also occasionally being confrontational), so is not helping my case any. But! My Whole Life As I Know It Is About To End. Not only am I truly losing my FOO+ (including you again, no doubt) for life, but my twin soul and I appear to be parting ways for good also, and that our long-distance platonic friendship is coming to the end of its rainbow (you know we had that affair over a decade ago). It won't be more than I can bear (please, God, don't let it be more than I can bear!). Destiny dictates that I'm ready for it. And I also believe I'm here for a very important spiritual journey and reason.

   Oh, so, no one ever has to fear that I will ever again go off the deep end with my drinking like I have before in my life. I can assure you that won't happen. It's just a knowing I have. I can feel that shift in me.

It Bears Repeating At This Time

The exact moment my mother laid eyes on me at her 75th birthday party in Las Vegas in 2004. I was the surprise; she wasn't expecting us. I call the photo "PROOF" because I caught her true feelings for me in her involuntary reaction to seeing me. We hadn't seen each other in over two years. I see disappointment and contempt. A nano-second later she was all smiles.

Us that day:

Yes, It's True, I'm An Orphan For Life

And I'm entitled to be angry; it would be sick if I wasn't!

So,

F U C K   Y O U   S T U P I D   S T U P I D   A B U S I V E   N A R C I S S T I C   F O O !!!

 (family of origin)

 GOD knows I tried. GOD knows I've been begging them for truth, communication and healing my whole life.

They are just too limited to do this.

When my beloved nieces and nephew turned against me because they think I made false accusations of abuse against my family, it shattered me soo overwhelmingly that I BEGGED my FOO to please help me because I didn't think I could survive this. THEY ALL TURNED THEIR BACKS ON ME. THEY WOULDN'T EVEN TALK TO ME. They are perpetuating that false belief about me in those kids (in their late 20s+)

If this isn't evil, I don't know what is.
It certainly isn't love.
My FOO telling me they love me is a Big Fat Lie?!

From My Memoir -- In Progress (2012)

 Why I Wrote This Book

 

            I’m writing this book in an attempt to save my life. With no one in my family of origin ever really there for me, writing this story might somehow be transformative and give me the will to live (my will threatened by the symptoms of chronic illness) after my amazing daughters are grown and gone; which is just a few years away. Writing my story might prevent me from disappearing altogether.

On the heels of a drinking problem, after giving up alcohol on my birthday in January 2012, I was suicidally depressed for 1 ½ months—until—the title of this book popped into my mind followed by the momentum to write it.

            There was no point in telling the truth three decades ago if all it did was cause more suffering to me and my family (although, they are all living their lives just fine in their denial, and without me prevalent in their lives). I should have just kept my mouth shut and acted like nothing happened if there was no point. But victims need to stand up for themselves and find personal healing and happiness, and they ought to reach out and help other victims. So this book has to be the point--- to turn at least one person from victim to survivor, and hopefully to thriver, even if it’s only the author.

            My father is long deceased, and the rest of my family should not be adversely affected by my writing. It will not ruin lives. Otherwise, I’d never write it. Maybe that’s why I waited until now to do so; as a 55-year-old woman.

            I wanted to trash this at least a dozen times in the course of writing it—thinking it vile and inane. But in the end I couldn’t because I think I’m meant to tell this story. I hope my daughters will agree!

            It is written as prose, and not in chronological order; random order being more creative, raw, present-moment, less overwhelming (especially for me in writing it), and less boring -- hopefully. And I don't go into the backstory about my family, I jump right in to the heart of the matter. I believe author Tom Spanbauer might deem that as coveted "dangerous writing."  And that's exactly what I aspire to.

            My wish regarding the mandalas I drew and included as chapter headers is to bring beauty and light to this work. A mandala is described as a pattern of power that represents the whole circle of existence. But I just think they are pretty and comforting to create. They remind me of kaleidoscopes when I was a kid!

"We are told"..."that until we forgive we will never heal. We forget that forgiveness is a grieving process that often includes the expression and release of negative emotions, especially disappointment and anger. It's no use trying to avoid these painful feelings. Forgiveness that is insincere, forced, or premature can be more psychologically damaging than authentic bitterness and rage." ~ Sharon Salzberg.

I Want My Book To Be A Love Letter To My FOO*

(*family of origin)

How do I do that?

In part, by infusing it with my mandalas.

A mandala is every chapter header.

And I write prose-style so my chapters are super short.

But they pack a punch.

And I swear, the details of the abuses makes it ALL MAKE SENSE; makes whomever reads my book "get" exactly... everything.

And the Whole Thing has the potential to HEAL my FOO and ME. .... (?)

You'll see...

My Power is as a writer.


Here's An Excerpt  (that I rewrote earlier this year, but sadly, have to now rewrite again and take out the happy ending part):

An Intro of sorts

            PK is what people called us preacher’s kids. Pariah---meaning outcast of the family when incest and emotional abuse caused them to basically abandon me when I, probably haphazardly, in my mid 20s, spoke up about it within the family; with the intention of bringing healing to all of us.

            This book is my fight to wholeness and happiness, inner peace and understanding. And on-going forgiveness. It is my exploration through my feelings and my thought processes, and intense conversations and emails with my family; to discover how and if I can achieve reunion with my family of origin, whom I call my FOO. And the subtitle could be, The Truth Shall Set You Free.

            How it, ultimately, was for the purpose of returning me to Self, and  Self Love.

            The book was written during the time I was orphaned with no real hope of reconciling with my FOO. However, I wrote it with the burning desire and aspiration of it bringing us back together. A therapist and an editor who read my then completed book of 200 pages well-meaningly told me it couldn't be done---that it just doesn't happen; that kind of healing and reunion. I ultimately gave up and surrendered to being a forever orphan, wanting only for my book to help others outside my family find personal healing.

            I could not have predicted what miraculously happened for my FOO and me two years after finishing this book; which I then had the joy of rewriting its ending.

...So, you see, sadly, the editor and the therapist were right... so I'll be rewriting this.

I Have To Keep Writing About It

Children MUST be taught that if they are abused to TELL a trusted adult, and if that trusted adult doesn't believe them, tell another... and another... if necessary until they find someone who BELIEVES them.

This is SO IMPORTANT.

ALL  ADULTS  ARE  RESPONSIBLE  FOR  ALL  CHILDREN


I haven't been a child for decades, but in order to heal I have to keep talking about this horrible stuff.

I have absolutely no one in my FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) that I can talk to.

I wrote my memoir three years ago and it was meant to bring truth and healing.

This year I thought I was going to get the happy ending I wanted for my book; that my FOO and I reunited in healing.

All year I've been thinking that would happen.

Just a few days ago my dreams were permanently shattered.

If my book is going to have a happy ending now it's going to have to be that I find personal happiness as an orphan who will never resolve things with her FOO.

I have strong feelings of hate. That's normal. I'm so angry and so hurt.

At least I got out, again, of an abusive situation. I escaped.

May my book end up helping others to do the same.

I need time to learn if I will become whole before I finish my book.

Guess, sadly, the title doesn't get to be "PK Pariah Gets Her FOO Back" but just

"PK Pariah"

(preacher's kid who is the outcast in her family for trying to bring healing by telling them the truth)

I'll Be An Orphan For Life

The emotional and psychic pain is almost unbearable. 
Been having a twitching in my eyelid all day. 
And pain in my heart.

So, lately, for one thing, every time I'd ask mom or Karen or David to please talk to my nieces and nephew on my behalf they'd refuse. My nieces and nephew turned their backs on me in an angry private message over a year ago. They believe I am falsely accusing their Grammy of abuse. My family of origin (FOO) must want them to think that. These are kids that I adore and who grew up adoring me. Losing those kids, now in their 20s+ is torture. I'll never get them back. My girls will probably never have their beloved cousins. Losing my mom, sister, and brother is torture. I Love Them So Much.

I finally figured out that no one in my FOO is ever going to FeelDealHeal or even acknowledge the abuse by my dad and mom. I've wanted them to meet me halfway and read "The Courage To Heal" like my dad did when he and I were starting to heal our relationship, so we can begin a conversation and a true reconciliation. Dad died too soon, but he never did apologize or show remorse, he only said things like, "Judy reacted badly to what happened." (That's very sick of him.)

I really believed that because of my spiritual work, I would be able to bring my FOO back into my life this year and all would be well regardless. I was wrong. I feel hurt by them all the time because of all that is left unaddressed and unresolved. ​And because they Claim to care and Claim to love me, but Do They Really?? I'm expendable. Always have been always will be.... unless, perhaps, I abdicate and lie and say I was never abused. They're perfectly OK thinking I'm crazy and telling the world that.